Pepsi, Aristurtle and Rocks

Me in simple =

2011-07-05T01:18:00.001-07:00

Feeling intuition symbols images risk taking philosophy and religion.

I like

2011-06-13T05:03:00.001-07:00

The colour of Darkness in light shades.

My face and My foot.

2011-05-16T01:30:00.000-07:00

Man and woman

2011-05-13T05:07:00.000-07:00

Man is a social being and woman is a party animal.

Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions. Albert Einstein

2011-05-05T02:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, It's the superficial time...

2011-04-22T05:30:00.000-07:00

Life is too short to spend it with people who annoy you. That's why I choose to get over anger and frustration.

The power of My Presence.

2011-04-22T01:29:00.000-07:00

I was thinking a lot about the effect I have had or will have on others. And when I took a few moments to contemplate how our individual modes of being affect the people we spend time with on daily basis, I came a step closer to seeing myself through the eyes of others.

Asked myself many a times whether the stranger I encountered briefly on the train or the person with whom I had a year long friendship with, walked away feeling appreciated respected and liked... The answer that occurred to me was... He or She must think of me the way I think of them now and that heightened the awareness of the effect I ultimately have on others.

A word of advice that was given to me I always freely pass it on as matter of "Pay it forward". If it changed me for good I am positive it would others, even if it is not reflected on the immediate person I pass on the advice to... BUT with Something as simple as a smile; it can, even if temporarily brighten a person's entire world. I remember that each time I see a stranger walking past me.

I remember also that my small gestures of kindness can prove to those embittered by the world that goodness still exists and simply by being myself I can influence their lives in subtle and life altering ways.

I want have an effect on him or her, on a lot of people. On Everyone I met, meet, will meet.

I am free of any Ideologies

2011-04-20T00:01:00.001-07:00

And I have enough courage to be WRONG.

-Vishnu.

"Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb
So much to do, so much to see
So what's wrong with taking the backstreets
You'll never know if you don't go
You'll never shine if you don't glow"

-Smash mouth-All star".

They and Anonymous are my favorite philosophers.

2011-04-18T02:31:00.001-07:00

I am not

2011-02-28T05:37:00.001-08:00

I’m drenched in the flood which has yet to come
I’m tied up in the prison which has yet to exist
Not having played the game of chess I’m already the checkmate
Not having tasted a single cup of your wine I’m already drunk
Not having entered the battlefield I’m already wounded and slain

I no longer know the difference between image and reality

Like the shadow I am
And I am not

Jalaluddin Rumi

Past

2011-02-23T10:56:00.001-08:00

Well excuse me that I enjoy having a past. A deciding factor of my present and to my future.

A new thought on an old day.

2011-01-11T03:18:00.000-08:00

Quo Vadis-Quo Oriundus ???

Carpe diem.

Lunacus... MY Madness and the Phases of the Moon.

2010-12-20T13:17:00.000-08:00

A strong need to contemplate my happiness made me unhappy.

I was looking through the symptoms of winter depression, as I need to associate my misery to something. A failing relationship that crackles and dampens with slightest provocation, two great friendships turned sour due to gossip, and malicious misinterpretation of my words.

Or Is this the effect of tomorrow's lunar eclipse and full moon effect on me ???

Whatever... I feel a frog in my throat. Despite myself, I am nurturing this frog, fattening it with it's favorite diet- Misery. I gave it a name, I check on it's needs from time to time, VERY fondly. Being a woman it comes naturally to me to love something that is growing in me. And I want this frog in my chest to grow Bigger and BIGGER to out do me in size. Then to swallow me.

Origin of LUNATIC

Middle English lunatik, from Anglo-French or Late Latin; Anglo-French lunatic, from Late Latin lunaticus, from Latin luna; from the belief that lunacy fluctuated with the phases of the moon

First Known Use: 14th century

Charm...?!!!

2010-12-18T05:11:00.000-08:00

They said you either got it; or you ain't. I didn't. So I went out... Stole it.

NOW I am charming.

Love ...?!!!

2010-11-01T07:05:00.000-07:00

Is conditional, conditioned, conditioning.

Hair and Love both need care and conditioner Interchangeably.

OK -whatever, I don't care.

2010-09-06T04:25:00.000-07:00

My horror is my inability to define anything in words and most times I even have trouble decoding what a person intends to say when they use certain words, and to further make the situation worse, words like "Okay" "Whatever" "I don't care" confuse the life out of me. Such indifference scares me. This nonchalance adds to my already fuzzy mind.

In a Finnish restaurant... Waiter hands 2 menus to "Veggie" and her friend "The eat 'em all"

Veggie: Oh my god this menu is filled with options.
The eat 'em all: Yeah yeah, it is. So I want to eat salmon and feta cheese salad, a glass of wine and garlic bread. How about you ?
Veggie: Oh god, I don't know yaaaaaa... this is soo confusing... ***peers at the table next to them***
Waiterrrrr... whatt are they eating there.
Waiter: They are eating minced meat with salad.
Veggie: Do you make minced vegetables with salad ?
Waiter: ***looking extremely confused looks at The eat 'em all***
The eat 'em all : Hey why don't you order a tomato salad then ?
Veggie: Yaaaacck: But I don't like tomatoes ya... what to do.
The eat 'em all: Ahhh I see; How about a corn and peas salad.
Veggie: Arrey that I can make even at home yaaaaaa....
The eat 'em all : What do you want to eat then ???
Veggie; Whatever. I don't care. Something filling and tasty.
Waiter: Can I suggest french baguette with aubergine and spinach in pesto sauce ?
Veggie: Oh god that sounds soo good but I am so lazy yaaaa... ***Giggles proudly*** I have no patience to chew the baguette.
The eat 'em all: Waiter, can you please bring my order while my friend here makes her choice.
Waiter: ***Notes the order down, serves water on the table, goes into the kitchen to place the order***
Veggie: Arrey what should I eat ya.
The eat 'em all: What do you feel like eating ?
Veggie: I don't care yaaaa... whatever is fine.
The eat 'em all: How about soups ?
Veggie: a soup hmmm not a bad idea.... ***looks at the soup options*** No yaa... I'll be hungry in an hour.
The eat 'em all: Pasta ?
Veggie: ***after checking the pasta options*** Vegetarian options are so limited yaaa.... Nothing is appealing to me.
The eat 'em all: How about in Rice.
Veggie: Oh god no, it's soo fattening you see this...? ***Points to her big belly***
Waiter: Did you decide ma'am ?

The eat 'em all: Yes She did. Can you please bring a plate of "whatever" and a glass of "I don't care"

Dwelling heights.

2010-09-03T17:11:00.000-07:00

Fear is complete lack of trust... Or it is great trust in the power of manifestation of all the pessimistic thoughts, that ever crossed your mind.

I am afraid of heights. I fell off a second storied building (Nothing happened to me then, not even a scratch.) BUT I was scarred mentally, I guess. This evening when I had to rock climb, to lug myself up a straight wall and then let go of the belay to drop to ground... it was living my nightmare while awake.

Surprising bit is when I started to enjoy my nightmare. I enjoyed the climb even though I couldn't get right to the top most times; and to repel off the very first time was mind numbing.

My fingers, arms, shoulders, thighs and ankles hurt like mad. It was torturous to eat Chinese noodles with chopsticks... however I know I am looking forward to my next climb.

Images that make me smile...

2010-09-03T02:49:00.000-07:00

1. A site of a ship on the sea. Moving or Docked.
2. Sea surface with all it's mysteries beyond.
3. Lovers in conversation.
4. Memories from years long gone and yester-years.
5. Finding peace, solitude and redemption.
6. God... Contemplating about him.
7. Rediscovering nature.

My BEST friend.

2010-08-22T02:33:00.000-07:00

No matter who shuns me away from being their friend, he holds my hand and says he is there for me. Takes time to make me a hot meal when I fall asleep after a long tired day, when his day was as tiring or more. He reads to me while I languish in my scented bath.

He is always there to support me through my weakness, and wear down my complexities. Just am very thankful to share a flat, meals, morning coffees and opinions with my best friend. My life is ten folds richer because of him. I wish to relive this lifetime 10 times over, if he accompanies me.

India is my country

2010-08-15T06:00:00.000-07:00

The Pledge is ringing in my ears and I long for the smells and sights of my country. I pour my soul out each time Incredible India ad shows up on TV. I draw on the familiar faces and places it shows. It is already 5 months and a few days that I am away from my country... India. Oh India... my India India India India India I just love saying the name, the very utterance of the word INDIA gives me strength to handle the intensity with which I miss my India... my country. This longing I experience for it is no different from the urge I have experienced for my man, my mom and all my dear ones when I was away from them. I love my India, The country of nod, namasthe, food and cricket. The country of bollywood bargain and best product for best price... The distance certainly made me grow fonder of my nation along with helping me to get a new perspective on my incessant cribs and complaints. India tosses aside all notions of rights and wrongs to mash them up to cast new light, be it on marriages, family values, societal norms or education or even on religion. Yesterday India emerged a victor shrugging away the weight of freedom-struggle to mark itself on the globe. India transformed itself from yesterday of being a land of fakirs lying on the beds of nails, snake charmers, house wives to today's lieu of mathematical geniuses home of software engineers and computer wizards. Today's India sees sari clad beautiful women not only ride motorcycles and cars, but enjoy powerful positions, a proof that the glass ceiling can be lifted away at all places. My India today respects it's yesterday's colonizers commanding their respect in return by speaking their language yet retaining the rich traditions and culture intact. I am proud to have born in the nation where generosity is not always the virtue of the privileged. I am proud to be part of that country where each one is unique by their names, religion, castes, languages, facial features, social segmentation and myriad other things that separate one from an other... a country of contrasts, beautifully diversified that joins hands together in least hesitation to stand in unison. My heart expands with delight when I think of my India today, rich with youthful intelligence that understands the potential of it's great resources and strives to speak up for a better tomorrow. My young India today celebrates it's 63 years of Independence... I stand up and salute to you My India from a far away land, singing with pride "Sare Jahan se Acha Hindustan Hamara" No matter where I go my heart is filled with amour-propre for My mother land India. Jai Hind.

Agnostic

2010-07-30T06:13:00.000-07:00

Religion is a beautiful journey and most misunderstood concept exploited for strange purposes all over the world. I am too important to myself to adhere to what was established before I was born... To counter it ain't I a tiny spec with insufficient experience and knowledge...

SO here I stand still searching. An agnostic.

Mölkky

2010-07-01T06:41:00.000-07:00

Games are activities that bring people together to strengthen the bond between

them. We feel that we can perform while confirming to the rules. A challenge that

requires skill in which we need to concentrate on what we are doing. Setting clear

goals with constant feedback on performance. Interesting games involve us clearing our minds from our everyday worries. I see that we need to exercise control over

our environment so we are aware of all the influential factors that lead us to the

desired conclusion.This way we become less self absorbed. Simple games in good

company fulfill our needs. Games tend to maximize the amount of pleasure we getfrom a simple act like aim and throw. Every one's talents are recognised and

rewarded. Talents that would otherwise go unnoticed.

Mölkky; an outdoor lawn game contains all the elements I mentioned above. With

simple rules and inclusive of players of all ages. Ideal for a fun family evening.

How to play: Using Mölkky (the throwing stick) aim and hit the numbered sticks.

Score: The number of the pin that fell. OR The number pins fallen.

Ex1: If I aim and hit making pin number 8 to fall, My score is 8.

Ex2: If I aim and hit making pin numbers 8 6 and 4 fall... My score is 3.

Winner: The first one to make 51. Sounds easy but there is a catch. When you are at 49, all you need is 2 to win, BUT if you accidentally hit a 3 or make 4 pins to fall, your score drops down to zero.

"A family that plays together stays together". Says my grand mom.

Have a great game.

STRONG... STRONGER... STRONGEST...

2010-06-29T04:12:00.000-07:00

Human beings possess an incredible ability to be strong. Always more capable than one believes. I am surprised with the thoughts of strength and capability pass through my head on the day I feel so relaxed after coming back from my most glorious 3 day week-end in Parainen Turku.

Yet, who can stop the thoughts that run like wild horses ? Not me certainly. So I cope with the reality of it just as I I cope successfully with life's challenge. I was witnessing a lifestyle that was so different from mine. For a while I was nervous but I knew the wisdom that life itself possess and who am I to control it. Let stupid nervousness take control of me to make me in charge of something I can't manage in the first place... I am wise enough to know that this will end up with me feeling guilty. or nervous.

The weeks, days, and hours leading up to an event that we believe will test our limits, we can become nervous. While we may have previously regarded ourselves as equal to the trials that lie ahead, we reach a point at which they near and our anxiety begins to mount. We then become increasingly worked up, until the moment of truth arrives and we discover that our worry was all for nothing. We are almost always stronger and more capable than we believe ourselves to be. But anxiety is not rational in nature, which means that in most cases we cannot work through it using logic as our only tool. Reason can help us recognize the relative futility of unwarranted worry but, more often than not, we will find more comfort in patterns of thought and activity that redirect our attention to practical or engaging matters.

Most of us find it remarkably difficult to focus on two distinct thoughts or emotions at once, and we can use this natural human limitation to our advantage when trying to stay centered in the period leading up to a potentially tricky experience. When we concentrate on something unrelated to our worryósuch as deep breathing, visualizations of success, pleasurable pursuits, or exerciseóanxiety dissipates naturally. Meditation is also a useful coping mechanism as it provides us with a means to ground ourselves in the moment. Our guides can aid us by providing us with a focal point wholly outside of our own sphere.

The intense emotional flare-up you experience just before you are set to challenge yourself is often a mixture of both excitement and fear. When you take steps to eliminate the fear, you can more fully enjoy the excitement. Though you may find it difficult to avoid getting worked up, your awareness of the forces acting on your feelings will help you return to your center and accept that few hurdles you will face will be as high as they at first appear.

Daily OM !!!!

Maybe out of sight-But-Never out of mind.

2010-06-01T05:22:00.000-07:00

It feels wonderful to sit here and write after a long busy day of an unemployed Indian in Finland while A is napping, with people flying over Pohois Haaga (Northern Huopalahti) with an expanse of greenery in front of my window, all around. Birds chirping away, squirrels squeaking (sometimes they give me a head ache... Still better than traffic noise I reckon). I Have been just painfully busy the last couple of weeks, with organising couch surfers week-end (June 10-June 12th) but things should slow down after this.

A was in sweden last working week, while I was exploring Helsinki with some friends as usual, but being alone at home wasn't fun at all. I lugged myself around in the house humming "Ain't no sunshine when he's gone" true to the song it was a long sad gloomy rainy week, with the day stretching on till 2am GAH!!! He came back on friday; packed with a load of sunshine, Fun times again; we were at the world village fest, which was just so wonderful. The food was our top priority and I didn't buy anything (can you guys imagine that ???) The whole feel was similar to our Shilpa Ramam, only with fewer tidier stalls I must say.

A received a mail from the Embassy asking me to submit my passport, which I did this morning, so now we only have to wait and watch the story after the interval. This evening I did my first Finnish language lesson. Free lessons for Immigrants with a certain level of English proficiency, conducted by the Blue cross of Finland. Oh MY GOD, felt just crazy to be on the other side of a foreign language class. My dearest Finnish friend (who is a volunteer there and is the one to have informed me of it) was there to help me out at some difficult situations... However the entire hour and half of class felt like a bumpy fast ride, me emerging on the other side with a super strong headache and 2 complete sentences in Finnish.

I am slowly stepping past that "Ohh MY first finnish etc" area to "Oh I have seen/done this before" area... Still feels FUN. So much more to look forward to. Slowly building up our new support system, making really good friends who are taking good care of us. Friends are new family., Yet, nothing and no one can replace the family in our lives. In a country that's so far away from home where we still can't tell a friend from a stranger, we survive because of the strength they founded in us.

Finland; Beer for thought

2010-05-09T12:36:00.000-07:00

My first impression of Finland was a mail addressed to me, with a Popular Joke that goes like this...

There is this strong silent Finn in the bar; all alone, having his drink quietly. In walks a brit; Itching for any conversation. Recognising that the only guy in the bar is a Finn and knowing their trait, the Brit is anxious not to displease the guy. After quietly debating with himself for more than an hour, the Brit finally plucks the courage to address the Finn with a brief "Hi"
To which the Finn looks up annoyed and asks the Brit -"Are you always so talkative?"

Like all immigrants I came here with all my research in place, patting my back for homework well done. Within the first month my research was failing me; with series of incidents coming at me from angles I least expected. Drunk Finns was one issue that HIT ME THE MOST.

DRINKING in Finland is like EATING junk food in India. Both even have similar reactions when they overdo it. When I first encountered a drunk situation it felt like I got kicked in my guts or in the wrong place. I was scared, felt like I was pushed to an inexplicable dark corner. A super drunk man, in a well fitted whitish suit puking in Huopalahti train station, after few barfs, the man in the suit just sat right down and passed out while the world around him scurried past as if the drunk suited up man gaging was on TV. I felt very sad, yet some strange monster in me felt happy for siting an unusual occurrence... Ho !!!! BUT HOW WAS I TO KNOW THAT IT WAS'T UNUSUAL ??? It didn't take that long for me to realise that bit though.

The following friday, my man asked me to accompany him and a friend of his; who was visiting Helsinki from Copenhagen; in a bar that's right below his work-place. Kitty's is a seriously cozy place. Good for a beer to kickstart the party. To get to the beef of the event, while we were sitting and conversing, I see a man who was looking longingly at the drinks on our table, (in the condition that he was in, unable to look straight ... I can't really tell what he was gazing at... the most desirable out there were the drinks I presumed), he didn't stop.
I got annoyed with his gaze in our direction which I felt was slipping a little too much (maybe from being super drunk) from the drinks, to something on my face. I got up from my chair to sit beside my man on settee to avoid looking at the man.

MISTAKE1. An empty chair gave the man THE MOVE, surprisingly quick for a drunk... he appeared on the chair, well I must say just half of him was on it... while the rest of him was happily hanging, (I still give him points for getting off the bar stool across the room on to the chair and setting a new record time for drunks in Europe). Being all new and not knowing how to deal drunks in the first place, in this case that drunk finn who otherwise would be super quiet and always avoid eye contact; is there sitting at our table; he was very curios about us and what we were talking about, my man was first being polite, but it got super annoying after a while as the man was repeating every word we were saying or just trying to touch me... his english wasn't good enough to understand my man's subtle hints to keep off, events started to go downhill. We handled it. BUT it was all VERY UGLY.

Drunk Episode #3 : My man got back home around 1 30am after hanging out with his work buddies, washed up, done with dinner, and while we were preparing for bed, I thought I heard the door... "Who could it be at that part of the night?" (The answer is right...) a DRUNK FINN this time our dear neighbour who had a bottle of vodka from Russia...He chanted for as long as he was in our flat, that he wanted to get to know his neighbours and all Finns are closed and inferior; whereas he wanted to be different... well He was different... he had two cats and he played drums and preferred Vodka to Beer. (Surprise!). After listening to him chant that for over 23 times, I had a curious feeling that he must have learnt that single phrase by heart on some "teach yourself youtube video" on how to get to know your new neighbours...

I had to peel his hand off the bottle after 4 shots, hid it so my boy was not generous with alcohol to a poor drunk Finn. I had my reasons... I don't like cleaning puke. He invited us back into his apartment... what a relief, we just pushed him in to his bedroom and came back with a dazed amused feeling. Proud that I had become pro, with handling drunk circumstances with just 2 incidents experience...

I am sure every expat here has ton of such amusing friday night anecdotes. this is one of them. Here I stand alone atop a huge rock with a sober head and steady footing screaming with my head held high staring into the wild friday night to my dear drunk Finns "Bring it on" While the sunshines on till midnight...

Hyderabad to Helsinki

2010-04-09T05:07:00.000-07:00

I am steadily getting over all the culture shocks, slowly meeting people, making friends, few Finnish, more people from all over the world.

I notice that people here are as helpful as in India, they make sure they contribute to the comfort of your stay. I have 2 good friends so far. One is a German Lady on her maternity leave and is very keen to learn yoga and Bollywood dance from me. (VERY FUNNY I know... BUT She introduces me to her friends that I am her future Bollywood and yoga guru... I say nothing to contradict this... Coz She only has to wait until she watches me dance) The other is a Greek Lady who is the most straight forward person I ever met in my life. She doesn't decorate neither her praises nor critics, nevertheless extremely helpful, specially with the road etiquettes. I just got back from a walk with her in her area which is not far from where I live. she also offered to help me with my learning Finnish. (The Finns pronounce Finnish like phi nee ssss)

I have walked the streets of Helsinki with A, window shopped like mad, walked on the frozen lake, On Easter went to the Orthodox church to witness a midnight mass and listened to the crazy sounding (to my ears) carols... (I had a feeling that they were just using easter and jesus over and again...) And at a friend's place ate a dark chocolaty brown pasty Finnish Easter dessert which reminded me baby food, naturally sweet tasting because of rye. (B appreciated it much) They mix it with cream after which it resembles our Khubaani Ka meeta (SO I drooled, but couldn't sustain the enthusiasm after tasting it.)

The days are flying by super fast; I am practicing more yoga and no matter who I tell that to, they invite me to conduct a work-shop, I am not very confident yet if I can charge money for that, So I have accepted to test for free, Dates are not confirmed yet, you can imagine how much in advance these people plan. (It scares me for I believe in absolute spontaneity, I am sure me and the Finns will come to a common ground at some point)

So Preparing my lessons for my forth coming Yoga work-shops, coordinating with my french friend who is soon coming to India to conduct a film work-shop with street kids, looking at universities to find work, watching movies, walking around in Huopalahti and galavanting on the web, are my top most activities; they consume most of my day. I also try and look at the finnish recipes but resist trying them out as both times I tried these recipes in the past A ate in silence. I manage also to find spaces to fit cooking washing clothes doing dishes occasional teas and facebooking among these activities. ( You can imagine how busy it is to just stay home :D )

We live in a building that was constructed in 1959, a really chic locality I derive from the reactions when I tell people where I live. My neighbours a Finnish couple have 2 cats and they take them out for a walk, with sutili daaram around their cat's necks. It makes me laugh out loud every time I see them for I think that they should be having dogs not cats, or at least use some kind of cat leashes that extends to a minimum of a mile.

When I see people here with their pets I am reminded of the movie Golden compass as the dogs or cats look like the master's alter egos... they wear matching sweaters sometimes and It warms up my heart :) There are stray hares and foxes here. I didn't sight any foxes but I see soo many hares right in front of my building,I picked up a small piece of wood, that was nibbled up by a stray hare, along with a few rocks...(Hopefully Hares or foxes did nothing with or on them, Just in case- I washed them well before placing them in the window) , an attempt to recreate My home That I left behind.

Every time some one asks me about HOW I LIKE IT IN FINLAND My soul just splits into two... I answer most times that I am doing really fine and that I like it here, which is very true. What I most times have difficulty explaining is that I truly miss My India, My Hyderabad, My Family, My Plants, My Rocks, My carefully chosen furniture, My Darling friends (who constantly buzz me on Gchat) My Pepsi, My Niece...

I think everyone back home when I see some things. I am learning Finnish online and I keep thinking of all the jokes that Gopi used to make when I had first started learning French and then with Japanese... I miss Mom's food, and miss her attention, I am glad for the month I stayed with her before coming back here. I miss My Dad, who says soo little but has a sea inside... I miss Thatha's incoherent chatter, I miss My Maid, I even Miss my watchwoman's snoring presence when I enter the building, I don't know why BUT the last 2 days (Maybe Just PMSing) BUT I miss everone SO SO much.

I pray to god that My Grand mom and Thatha will be in good shape for a long time to come. I am insecure about not being there when something happens to them.

PS: TEEN MAAR SONGS make me write long posts.

Happy new year.

2010-03-16T05:49:00.000-07:00

My flight from Hyd-Bangalore was a little uncomfortable, vomited all through the flight, and I was joking with A about how leaving Hyderabad made me Sick... We had to pay for 5kg's extra weight in Bangalore and if not for A's smart packing I'am sure we would have ended paying a lot more. AFTER A LONG, NO NO AFTER A SUPER LONG NEVER ENDING 4 HOURS in Bangalore we finally got into "AIR FRANCE" And Flew towards EUROPE and I just Blacked out on the flight to wake up to Great French Coffee, and a Documentary on fashion, Landed in PARIS 2 hours later than scheduled. Paris to me sadly didn't feel so new, with seeing so many french people most of my work life, it felt less impactful than I expected, BUT when we took Finnair My stomach started to stirr up with excitement, which still is at the same level even today.

From the time I got here I have only been crossing out all the prejudices, Finns are super AWESOME. The cold is not so unbearable, once you are well dressed. Even tho' everyone speaks English it is difficult to shop as all the products are marked in finnish or swedish so it is necessary to know the local language a bit. The food here is NOT unbearably bland, it is succulent and high on Fiber (:p) The sunshine is extraordinary and reflects off of snow causing the eyes to tear. The apartment I now stay in is not as tiny as I was told it was, Also our bed is at a beautiful height; Cats would certainly enjoy such elevation.

I have visited A's office, MY god it is a TRUE DESIGNERS ADDA. Met his colleagues, Different nationals and very cool people, each with such strong personalities and extremely like-able. Since the time I got here I have visited the CITY CENTRE and Learnt how to look for train timings and get on the trains. The week-end we met up with a friend and AND Yesterday A's friend took us flying over Hyvinkaa, I tasted the Typical Finnish dish Muikka (Yummmy). I tasted Kiwi (the fruit) Touched snow.

I have been going for walks around the house while A is at work; discovering super-markets, srilankan pizza joints, waving to the people taking their dogs for walks; I miss Pepsi Soo Soo much, I miss EVERYONE of you there. I miss Rajitha soo much, and keep watching her PURRR Video... MOST Of ALL I miss CURD RICE, one thing we don't get here, curd is mixed with some fruit. But when I think of food I miss Mom's capsicum curry and tomato charu... and Hyderabad ka Samosa. YUMMMM Just one week and I have home food cravings. :)

A VERY HAPPY UGADI TO YOU and EAT SOME EXTRA Ugadi pachadi for me.

Hindi Movie Dialogues...

2010-02-06T05:20:00.000-08:00

Some times get me cracked up...

This one from DIL for instance when Raja wants to teach Madhu a lesson when she falsely accuses him of trying to rape her... He takes her to a lonely place where he tells her after terrorizing her "If I want I can ruin your life in 2 minutes" (implying that it would take him 2 minutes to rape her ?)

I was wondering if that is all it takes him to ruin her life ? Just 2 minutes ? 120 seconds that is all ? I mean he has to open his trousers which would take him a good 20 seconds, 100 seconds left... considering Madhu to be a toughie from how her character in the film was built, it certainly would take our Raja at least 40 to 60 seconds to undo her clothing, while she is struggling and throwing punches in his face. Our hero has 40 to 60 seconds left to finally commit the deed, That doesn't do much to the IMAGE of our HERO.

I wish to see some refined dialogues and storyline in our cinema along with the usage of advanced technology and equipment.

Sari

2010-02-02T01:10:00.000-08:00

Sari features in the world's essential trivia. 5 to 9 meters of length, least tailored strip of cloth, Sari remains number one costume design to date in the world, Kimono being the immediate second. Sari's history is traced back to the Indus valley civilization and the word is derived from the prakriti (The original unchanged or natural) form of the word Sattika (a piece of information you will get on wikipedia)

What surprises me the most is that sari is a creation of late 16th century and is en vogue even today, Pierre Cardin went out of his way to design saris and newer ways to drape them... I say, nothing beats the designs of the Indian rural weavers. Sari establishes its dynamic design, as it's primary form doesn't change even though there are more than a way to drape a sari, yet it's most common way to drape is popular in the western world. I get an impression that sari defies the global impression of Indian women, as most times I receive questions like "A sari exposes so much waist is that ok?" or "How do you feel about baring your belly ? "

I'm torn between narrating a load of private stories or just sticking to the superficial interesting socially acceptable un-intimate details each time someone asks me about a sari, the occasions when we wear one in India and all the stories associated with it... But Coming back to the questions, Sari is a piece of garment that can cover a woman fully and make her look like a Goddess, or can make a man go wild with just a hint of what it reveals, making her still look like a Goddess, It is a woman's choice when she wants to reveal or conceal, both ways Sari clad woman looks elegant.

A Kimono delicately reveals the nape of a woman's neck, a sari unearths woman's beautiful curves, a western dress shows the delicate limbs...What I understand is that any garment is culturally evolved to accentuate what's socially considered sensuous. I have personally felt most sensuous and extremely elegant at the same time draped in a sari.

In so many words; like each word was essential to explain how the foolish romantics felt...

2010-01-31T22:20:00.000-08:00

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

When you love someone; it is like a scripture written on a rock... The rock might change its form but what's written on it will remain infinitely !!!

2010-01-23T07:23:00.001-08:00

NOBODY

2010-01-21T08:59:00.000-08:00

When you meet people, the very first thing they ask you is WHAT DO YOU DO ? or WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?

I have been thinking about this a LOT since a VERY LONG time... More so lately with my Hindi classes, when I was conceptualising a lesson on the board for my student, I saw that she would like to know what the person did first and where he comes from next, his or her name features much later in her priority of questions.

This made me reflect a lot more on my original thought, certainly Mr. Gaspard-Gustave Coriolis, The French mathematician who coined the term work in 1826 will turn in his grave with my philosophical questions related to the matter... Yet What kind of a dam can stop the flood of these questions ? and My head rings on with the question WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT FOR US TO KNOW WHAT THE PERSON DOES ???

Does it help us identify how we fit into the person's work life ? Does the work a person does give us a glimpse into how he thinks reacts and lives ??? Does the work by any chance imply an unsaid hierarchy in society ??? a miniature kingdom of our social circles ??? Or is the work one does is what he is ??? I do Understand that one's personality reflects in one's work; is it vice versa as well ???

If you are in the ZERO ACTIVITY or NO Work Mode does it place you on the last step of the ladder where it is Marked NOBODY in caps and bold ???

I just enjoy the way people go off balance and desperately feel for ground beneath their feet when my response to their question is "I am not doing anything..." The immediate 2nd question almost all the time is Ohh So You are a House wife... making the question sound more like a statement, to the horror of most I tell them That A is not in India and leave them with their own Question as I remain with Mine.

“I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody.” - J D Salinger

Awesomeness less spoken of...

2010-01-18T02:47:00.000-08:00

Chakinaalu, Rice pound with cumin and some magic twisted on to a cloth in to round marvelousness, dried and fried... A Must have delicacy for Sankranthi Andhra Pradesh's harvest Festival...

I share a secret

2010-01-17T23:03:00.001-08:00

Not a VERY Big secret BUT a secret NEVERTHELESS. I couldn't tell my parents or my in laws that I acted in a film, even though it is a shortfilm on Human rights, more over a non commercial film.

A friend of mine googled my name and this is what she found along with my blogs and FB account. Well, So I decided to let the cat out.

It was such an experience dressed like a tribe maneuver the cows and then go through the Hyderabadi (simulated) traffic... ORDEAL !!!

I bruised my hand.
Uttered "Oh My Cow" (Which I was not supposed to... How does a Tribal lady speak English ha ?)
Wore make-up... to add up to Murali's $%^&* (can't find the right word to use here)
Addressed my Claustrophobia

Yet; To me it all felt like a taste of cloud.

It happens only in India

2010-01-07T21:09:00.001-08:00

An image from last night at the railway station in Vijayawada, These kids were going to Delhi to work in a restaurant and their train was delayed indefinitely, So here is what they DID... Slept Snug like puppies :)

2010

2010-01-05T17:51:00.000-08:00

I have about 18 Draft posts pending to be published between the 3 blogs that I manage. Some of them are such personal crib-scribbles that I typed out because I coudn't tell them to anyone else, where as some are pending because I don't have photographs... and SO ON are the endless excuses I have found to not publish those Draft posts.

I have welcomed NYE lieing down still on the bed, because of the lunar eclipse that occured on 31st night, for about one hour forty minutes while my mom sat herself on a chair beside me telling me the significance of this month "Dhanurmasam" (It is an extremely auspicious month for Brahmans) Which led to other interesting stories from Ramayanam Mahabharatam and Bhagavatam. Keeping us awake till 2 am. Some of these stories are my favorite specially coz of how my mom garnishes them with different elements at different times that she narrates them to me. For the N'th time I enjoyed the way my mom gave more and more details that were censored to me as a child.

This time her stories had an air of philosophical intensity.

01 01 10

I Spent the first day of 2010 with my Mom just cutting veggies for her while she cooked and spoke about her concerns (which are countable on a single hand), ate with her, napped with her went to 2 temples with her, while she told me her childhood temple stories. I suddenly felt the urge to get to know my Mom, and I regreted every occassion I have made excuses to not go out with her or meet her in the last 2 years. MY crazy girl she is.

She told me that she had really simple resolutions for this year.

BE HAPPY
Just Take IT all Easy
Make NO efforts to meet people half way who hurt her over and again inspite of all the efforts she made in the past.

(And these are mine)

Complete all my scripts
Hybernate
Adopt mom's resolutions

Sounds complicated even as I write the list down. I know that I'll expose myself over and again to the people who hurt me as I have always did, and will find excuses to Not take things easy... My complicated head just doesn't understand the pleasures of a shavaasana. Why all the drama, I'll just be HAPPY and I know the rest will all take care of itself. If Not I have MOM (:P)

SO here is wishing you all a GREAT New YEAR, You were wished Happiness Love Peace and all the Blah Blah... I would like to wish you NOTHING. As only an empty vessel makes enough noise to attract NEW things to it.

Lakshmi

2010-01-02T22:30:00.000-08:00

Jesus Save Them

2009-12-25T21:26:00.000-08:00

An Unfocused Picture taken on the Eve of X mas, Two Kiddos trying to Light up their stars by stealing the electricity from the wires passing over their house. Sigh It happens ONLY in India

Discovered Vijayawada; Now Back in Hyderabad !!!

2009-11-30T11:24:00.000-08:00

On Sunday the 29th.

3 :55 PM Run all the way to the 10th platform, to learn that the train was delayed by 20 minutes, BUT Errr NO it came 40 minutes late. Well, somethings the westerners will tease us eternally about. I was just deaf to all the comments that followed.

Took an AC couch back to Hyderabad from Vijayawada which resembled nothing less to a general compartment, I was a lot more aware of burping uncles, the tobacco smells, chips packets thrown under the seat (coz under the seat it is safe ???) crying babies, specially coz of the company I was in aswell, maybe if it were all Indians with me, I would have felt less nauseous (???) all through the trip controlled the urge to puke, and no way I could have gotten out of the compartment to get fresh air as both sides were filled with standing passengers whose seats were not confirmed. Shared 2 seats between 3 people...

I just don't remember the last 2 hours of the ride, and spent the last 5 agonising minutes with people banging there bags against me... with the smell of pits of sticky aunties and stinky loo's.

Got back home, Mom is Happy, Pythogorianne runs fever !!!

Stepped out of the station and looked for the Auto guys, NO Ma'am out of Luck, Aaj tho Bandh hai, My luck took an "off" Finally find an auto guy after 20 minutes of standing there with my heavy back pack, and heavier hand-bag filled with laptop and papers from the research. Agreed to pay him 90/- to go to west marredpally first So I could pick my Dog up and then to east marredpally (Auto Guy keeps the 100 note I offered, Penalty That I didn't mention Mahindrahills. Glad to be back Home. Pepsi too.

But After a real good night's sleep, I woke up at 5 am like I was doing all the 10 days while I was in Vijayawada, and when I realised I had nothing lined up, no taking care of the logistics, no Interpretations, no endless spread sheets, No Emily (she is the best person to work with So focused and Just so very well planned) No one looking lost because I was on phone with my Dad, I felt pretty weak, and super unproductive.

So to resume my trip to you guys,

20th Nov: Mom woke me up at 5 and pushed me through the 40 minutes coz the train was at 6:05, She walked me down and it was still super dark, chilly, and NOTHING ON THE STREETS, NO AUTOS, and I live in Mahindrahills a place where it is difficult to find autos at 9 am on Monday's for a decent fare. And There was the messenger from Allah, My Musalman brother from the 1st floor, starting his bike, I wouldn't even have thought about it, but Mom just asked him as soon as he came out of the gate "please Bhayya auto tuk chod do" and He went to a mosque close to the railway station, dropped me at the mosque, and said " Happy journey" That was the only exchange of words between us. (I was filled with a new respect for my 1st floor brother, Only I am leaving this place in less than a month, sad isn't it?)

I get on train at 6:04 and it moves, Emily looked super RED, I knew why. The train ride (it seems to me now) went very fast with my naps, transmission (Hari Kunzru's) and chats with Emily + our exchange of notes on what is to be done.

1:00pm We get off on Vijayawada station, With the Board "HYDERABADI BIRYANI" welcoming us. I call the regional Manager to inform we arrived, he only speaks Telugu along with every one else we met through the course of our stay in Vijayawada, even those who entertained us, So all communication had to pass through me, I liked it, and I was more sure then that the Translation and Interpretation is the field I would love to work with the occasional dash of teaching and script writing or adventure sports instructing or film buffing or traveloguing or science fiction criticizing... (wait My list is endless sorry I used the word "SURE" too hastily)

1:15 The regional manager arrives and BOOM, The Boombastic schedule takes over.

The pattern of the day remained the same through out the visit "Branch visits, interviews with the staff, and then meeting the clients to interview them. Breakfasts Lunches Walks Tete a Tete's Shoppings and 2 movies found their place in between the super packed schedules.

With Me visiting various villages in Krishna district, I feel lucky now that I got to see my state so well, It is indeed a Beautiful place. I prayed to Mangalgiri Narsimha swamy to bless my family, and Everyone I know or have met even if it was for 5 minutes in my life. I went to Hanuman Junction, I thought the Hanuman there looked so primeval in a statue made of all silver, longest tail and best of all curly black hair. Hanuman was just reminding me of My Dad Ashwin and Gopi. Strangely that night I had a dream with Thatha and Hanuman. Maybe that was Hanuman's way of reminding me "hey look who you haven't thought of in a while".

Amidst my 5am to 7am or 8pm schedules, I managed to visit Kanaka Durga in Vijayawada. The weavers in Mangalgiri and Pedana, fish auctioning in fish market Machilipatnam; 6km walks on the treadmill combined with ab exercises... I just have soooo much more to write here, BUT I just will tell you more in person, Consider this a preview to my HIGH DECIBEL NARRATION of what I experienced.

You are my pillars of Support, No matter how far or close you are living now physically I love you all The MOST. I just want to tell you that I am learning the term "unconditional" from Pepsi. I adhere to exercise that.

PS: That last bit got way too senti than I wanted it, maybe coz I am running High fever (??)

Arya-2 a True Tribute to MJ

2009-11-28T08:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I watched Arya-2, An experience of watching it in Vijayawada heightened the feel of the movie 3 folds more.

Saturday Night show, in a small theater called Jai hind with a brilliant seating capacity, the fans fixed on the walls beside oscillating with the same super enthusiasm as Allu Arjun's fans. A good Telugu film in a Telugu dominant city (where even Muslims or Christian's speak Pure Telugu unlike in Hyderabad where we can tell apart the religion of a certain person with the language he speaks) was an awesome experience.

The whistles just wouldn't stop through the songs. Impromptu applauds for Bunny man's moon walking as a tribute to MJ. I appreciate the many variations that the choreographers came up with moon-walking as base. Ohh MAN, I really enjoyed the dance and the raunchy song ringa ringa with a western lady clad in Indian vestments...

I was never a great fan of Allu, but with Arya-2, I turn myself in, I SAY Way to GO Bunny man, You kick ass.

Day 4 of the Field visits

2009-11-24T06:35:00.000-08:00

Day 1 : Mylavaram

Day 2 : Ibrahimpatnam

Day Free : Sunday... Visit to Mangalagiri narsimha swamy Temple and Visit to the mangalagiri cotton Looms

Day 3 : 2 Local branches in Vijayawada

Day 4 : Visit to Machilipatnam Branch, Visit to the beautiful beach after the interview, Sighting the fishermen empty their nets and auctioning the fish.

Lunch at RK, inquiry about the Kalamkari and back to Spandana office for a brief interview with the CA's. Drive to Padena and visit the whole sale shop from where Dastakar Andhra gets its supply to sell in retail. and The grand great visit to the work shops to witness the amazing manufactering of the clothes from when they are threads.

Lilac time travel

2009-11-21T01:19:00.000-08:00

So Here I am in Vijayawada, I visited 2 villages Mylawaram and Ibrahim patnam so far, This place is just 6 hours by train but it feels like time travel into 1996, There is just one major road MG Road, that is close to comparable to SD Road or SP Road in Hyderabad, but all the other places remain to be developped.

When I was taking this project up, with MIT and was told about villages, I expected to travel miles through a CITY every day in order to get to a village, But it is quite the contrary, 12 to 30 KM radius in all directions from Vijayawada there are soo many villages.

I am going to Mangalagiri tomorrow to see panakala narsimha swamy and cotton weavers and their shops tomorrow. That is my plan.

Shaking the Tail feathers...

2009-11-20T18:33:00.000-08:00

I have been working on some translations for center for micro finance, and was so thrilled to discover various aspects that are involved when working with a translation from English to Telugu.

First off it is a survey that requires a lot of research on the terms, and second off the names that involve the translation are of some really interesting people working in the field, like Rachel Glennerster.

My previous work of translation involved Telugu to English and that was easy as I could just use my own net-book to work, but Telugu meant finding a reliable DTP person, Of which I had zero knowledge as to how it worked, So I finished translating a 80+30 page translation and took my piece of translation to a DTP guy after asking a friend where to find them. I though it would take an hour to type the Document out in Telugu, so I tell my client, That the document will be submitted that evening.

I go away happily having lunch with my mom and gala-wanting. I go at the time the document was promised to be DTP'ed and delivered... and what I see there is a HORROR, Just a single page done and the cursor was blinking at me. I ask him about what he can actually deliver and he says "Tomorrow come and get it by 12 30" A HUGE doubt packed with an apprehension takes over me and I call my client and tell her that I need more time.

Next day with a new hope I get to the DTP at 11 30, hoping to see him do my last pages... BUT what I see there instead is HORROR number 2, The DTP bacha (kid) was not there and the owner of the shop sipping on his tea and gives me a look that read "what the hell are you doing here"... and says to me "BUT you were not supposed to be here until 12 30 nah" ? I knew that the document was not done, I knew that.

I go and find an other guy... He looked like he knew what he was talking about and I asked him how long it might take and he says It will take a day. So after taking more time with my client I go back home. Next morning I call the DTP man and He asks me to come by 4pm and I convey same message to Client. I go at 4pm, and HORROR number 3 was waiting for me there... THE Guy there lost my translation that I wrote down in Telugu. I didn't know what to do... I was IN SUCH a STATE That I didn't even yell at the GUY, I just walked off from there to find an other DTP Guy, and Show him my translation that I did, Telugu written in Roman script.(Thank god I have Ashwin to caution me with work related concerns) My DTP man number 3 doesn't read English, So he asks me to write all that down in Telugu... And I think oh Cool I'll take a print out of the document and write telugu right below and TO MY HORROR Number 4 The site through which I received the document "yousendit.com" keeps the doc only for 7 days and after which it discards the document... So had to go get the document again from the client, I go there, get the document on my hard disk and go to the DTP and viola he starts off his work at 4... very deft and knows Telugu pretty well, working on page maker... I heaved a sigh of relief thinking I found a really good guy, So he was working with a dexterity that the other 3 DTP guys didn't have. So I tell him that I'll go and be back by when he would be finished. I tell him how urgently I needed this work, And he nods, and says you come back tomorrow morning at 9.

20 pages in hand, and Happy to deliver at least something... I go with a swing in my step.... BUT little I knew that there were copies wedding invitation in between. I discover that only the next morning and freak out flip out and Go to the DTP guy number 4 after regaining consciousness from my Horror number 5. I get there and see that my DTP guys office was still not open, BUT he said 9 o clock :(

I ask my friend and class mate from Asa bhanu Japanese center to come and help me by giving me moral support. My Class mate and friend Karthik San gets there at 10 30 but the DTP guy was still no where to be seen, I try calling him, he doesn't take my calls, I just didn't know what was happening. So I go back home around 1, and I get a call from the DTP man, asking me to pay him for 20 pages... WTH ??? I go there and show him the 20 pages that he copied and he says "that was a mistake I'll correct it" and he takes his time with the work, because this man is into shares, he just is too busy until 3 30 everyday checking what is happening in the stock market. I didn't think I could let him waste anymore time than we/he already wasted... I ask him to suggest any of his friends who would like to do this work, he suggests his friend Raju... Who lives further inside... I observed that the more interior I went the cheaper the prices got, from 65 to 50 to 45.

I went looking for Raju, he was not there and I see a board right beside that said Pragathi DTP and Printers... a small place that smells so strongly of paint, and there is a huge dog tied up inside. Nagnath a gutka chewing super skinny owner looked pretty reliable and I just thought if my insticnt lets me down this time I'll never ever trust it again, so I decided to give some work to this guy and see how he fares, He as promised finished the 2 pages I gave in 4 hours, and in the mean time Raju had come too, so I had this brilliant Idea, that I should just give Raju some papers too... So I gave Raju 2 papers and he did them fast enough, I felt some semblance of movement, one day 4 pages felt like an achievement.

20 pages done so far, proof read and was used for training. More pages to go...

In all This I have seen how our guys operate, they are not bad people, but they are people with highly bad dicsiples, they live always off schedules. and Almost always never keep up the time they promise. I can't correct it anyway so I feel I have no right to crib so much about it. Yet I couldn't help ranting. I had to vent out my frustration somewhere.

India and the rest of the world...

2009-11-15T19:00:00.000-08:00

I asked about 3 of my American friends whether or not they saw Mackenna's Gold and it seems none of the 3 saw it, Such a surprise to my poor Indian brain, because it was soo popular in India and I went to see it with my dad twice. To me it felt like an Indian not knowing the movie Devdas new or Old

And somehow MJ's strange acts never touched how much India liked him...

In India we are like this ONLY !!!

Something something

2009-11-15T08:55:00.000-08:00

I asked about 3 of my American friends whether or not they saw Mackenna's Gold and it seems none of them saw it, Such a surprise to my poor Indian brain.

New

2009-11-13T10:48:00.000-08:00

I started a NEW Blog on all the places to go where you can eat or shop for most basic needs, and find good deals, also on some spots to chill, I super take pride in announcing to have seen most unusual spots in Hyderabad (Courtesy SOME WONDERFUL People) that are not Known to everyone, So I would Love to pay it forward and share my experiences with you would love to be your guide to my most favorite CITY IN THE WHOLE World, My Home.

Also I am glad to have found some brilliant places in other cities as well, I start this blog today to show my LOVE to my city no matter where I go and wherever I may settle in my tomorrow, Hyderabad remains to be my heart, then my other organs are Chennai and Mumbai, I love these 3 cities very dearly... The later 2 I only know them as a visitor and would love to live there for year at least...

A chronicle to not forget How amazing these places are... come rejoice with me, My first post on my 3rd blog took birth today... check out http://spotforshoppersandothers.blogspot.com/

I am sure most of you who are from Hyderabad must have already visited these places, and those of you from other cities I hope to discover your cities and find those hidden brilliances in them...

I am optimistic and hoping to keep this blog updated and add all my FAV places in there and also revisit them from time to time and see them evolve...

Hope you will enjoy going to these places I have been to and find what I found in these places...

Cheers to new beginnings and Sharing the cares :)

Snippets From My head...2

2009-11-09T03:48:00.000-08:00

I like to walk in new streets, and to smile at strangers... I crave for a something, something better, something new... I want to meet those who will look at me curiously and have a string of questions. I want to respond to questions like where are you from? What do you eat there ? How do you like this ? or How do you do that ? God this desire now is almost Physical...

The ambivalence

2009-11-08T10:07:00.000-08:00

It is my new favorite word.

I watched a film this morning on borderline personality disorder and I was thinking which one of us in this world is sane ? I see all the disorders in all people. When I said the same to a friend She said, anything that begins to cause trouble is INSANITY, and anything within the limits is SANITY. So how do we know what the limits are and our threshold to tolerate those who are still within limits?

So going back to Ambivalence, I read a brilliant post titled "of all the faces i have" by a co-blogger and I just couldn't help contemplate on those lines myself. It is so true how we just succumb at different occasions, not being able to voice the most simple things out of concern, of not wanting to hurt the person, or some strange reason we have told ourselves.

I read up on Pomeranian, it is the breed of dog I have, and something that I spoke to A about this 3 years ago walking on Korean streets, came back to me "That small dogs are the ones that bark a lot and make so much noise, acting like if they were not on a leash they would go and rip the big dog into pieces, but when you notice a small dog that is not on a leash, it's tail is in between it's legs.

So connecting this to an other thread of my thought; I feel, (It is just a feeling and observations mind you .) That people who are a lot weaker are the ones who criticize, call names first, get personal. where as the ones that are self assured I notice don't have too say much, they don't need to put others down in order to prove their worth. Or push themselves.

Yeah Ambivalence is omnipotent, I don't really know if God is...

My Doggie has a HUGE NAPOLIAN COMPLEX I love her Still.

Heart...

2009-11-02T22:29:00.000-08:00

How we forget It until it starts to beat so hard that we feel it in our throat, or it collapses one day with too much pressure...

If Not It is Just beating on 90 beats a minute... hidden somewhere I don't even know on the left side of my chest or in the middle... BUT Right now I feel it right in my throat at times and the others in my head... and some other times in my belly...

I guess a loved one is compared to a HEART because of that... How we go about doing our thing and He/She is always there somewhere hidden away in the background, their presence may not be one of the most noticed but most important to survive...

Beat on my Heart :D

New soul

2009-10-28T08:18:00.000-07:00

We welcomed a new soul into the family today, My brother's

daughter, we decided on when to bring her into the cold

November world, as it was a C-section.

We all were ready to welcome the baby, as planned,

But the baby being a Girl Child was a SURPRISE,

(Sex determination is illegal in India)

To me a really sweet one, To me

SHE is the BEST BABY in the WHOLE Universe.

But When I called some of my aunts, uncles and

extended family to inform about the wonderful news, their reactions

taught me 2 major things about them.

1. How narrow minded they are.

2. How they are stuck in "once upon a time" .

My crazy family I love them all nevertheless... But today somehow I was feeling very judgmental

and despised some of their comments specially the ones like

"it's OK lets hope the next time It is a boy",

"Oh my god we got to ask Gopi to go the temples to pray for a boy the next time" .

I was thinking what is this ?? BUT aren't we 2009 now and

aren't we living the times where they say equality and all that spiel ??

Such a Bitter sweet day today, Sweet as I enjoyed spending the day with my little niece

who sneezed on my right cheek and Pee'ed on my right palm, burped on my shoulder

after I fed her with FIVE spoons of milk... Whoa WHAT an awesome AWESOME DAY.

Bitter as I learnt How my family is still stuck somewhere in 1870's and

have to catch with current times.

I only hope that I will have enough courage to speak up and

shut them the next time we welcome another Daughter.

In between Times !!!

2009-10-24T07:15:00.000-07:00

When you ask water cascading freely off of a water fall if it fits well in a beautiful porcelain bowl or in a pot to serve a hardworking family ? Wonder what the answer would be...

The house is being packed away and I feel like my skin is being taken off me...

Pot luck @ Parents in law

2009-10-16T08:49:00.000-07:00

I get so tensed up when I have to cook something for my in laws, as I have this strong desire to please them, and they are never pleased with me, but I know I'll die trying but won't give up...

Well now that it's said; My Mom in law asked me to make Donda kaya fry and said it has to be sans onion or garlic... (Ahem... That is Brahmin's festival special)

So I frantically called Mom, and asked her to give me a Donda kaya fry recipe with no onion or garlic, there was a second's SILENCE on the other end of the line, after which I heard my Mom go into a fit of laughter and (I didn't know what amused her so much) after she recovered from her bouts of laughter she gave me this recipe.

For approximately 10 people.

Ingredients

1. Donda kaya

2. Kopra (just a small piece)

3. Thil ( half a table spoon full)

4. Pea-nuts (about 10 to 15)

5. Dhaniya (a table spoon full)

6. Green chillies ( 3 )

7. Kothimeer (one bunch)

8. Salt (Not too much)

9. Red chilli powder (Depending on the spice quotient of the family)

10. Thoda sa pyaar and now on to

Modus Operandi

Pre preparation

Slice Donda kayas into 4 keeping the whole intact, and boil (its always good to boil the veggies for making a fry curry, that way they won't take too much oil in when fried.)

Dry roast Kopra, thil, Pea-nuts, dhaniya and powder them in a mixer (make sure that the powder is dry)

Preparation

Light the stove put a Kadia on fire and put some oil in it (Remember though its fry the veggies are boiled so not much oil is required, the maximum is 2 table spoons full of oil) and put mustard seeds and that white daal, now put the boiled DK's and cover it with a plate ( my grand mom and my mom always pour water into the plate that's used as a lid, So I do too) you can too if you want... let it cook a bit, add salt and red chilli powder, cover it with that water containing lid, after 2 minutes add the powder, let it cook/fry whatever for an other 2 minutes and garnish with Kothimeer.

Post Preparation

Pray that in laws will be pleased with the result.

I have got the theory part well but tomorrow morning I hope that it comes out as it should when I make it amidst all the chaos, of convincing A to go to my parents for the early morning rituals and then to my grand mom, for the same ritual repeat... SIGH and then get to A's parents by 11 30 am.

Will put up a photo of the preparation and Comments critics and reactions on the curry here later tomorrow along with the reason why mom laughed. I forgot to ask her that as I was too concentrated on taking the recipe...

I wish me all the very best, and Wish you all a VERY HAPPY DIWALI :D

Spiel on Auto-walas

2009-10-12T00:03:00.000-07:00

If any of you approached an auto guy in the last week in the Tank-bund area, you would have noticed how they proposition to take you to Moti bazar (pearl market) first and then to where ever you want to go and that too on METER price.

It came as such a surprise to me, especially because they demand extra money even if its required for them to take a U-Turn or a galli (a small lane) little away from the main road. So I asked an auto-wala on what was happening and he announces with a glee that the pearl shop owners give them 20 rupees for every customer who just walks in to the shop, a sweet box for every purchase and a sweet box along with a shirt and trousers for every 5 purchasers.

I really don't understand if this is for good or not but it felt Super incorrect to me, It was raining cats and dogs I was dead hungry and all I wanted to do was get to a warm dry place and calm the rats in my belly. To me at that vulnerable state the auto guy looked almost devilish, he knew my weakness and he gave me an option, I either go straight to where I had to go for a 30 extra rupees or I go to Moti Bazar first before he dropped me off for meter price. Maybe if it was not 10 pm and if I was not fully drenched in the rain shivering and hungry maybe I would have complied. BUT It was a Different story then.

I was thinking ohh Thank god for here is an other woe added to the already existing list of tribulations. As the saying goes; there were million reasons for Karna's death and there are equal number of reasons for the auto-men to turn street rakshasas.

I just wish all the westerners in Hyderabad a very good luck not just with the demanding auto-men, but also the looters who instructed the auto guys to bring the victims to their pearl lairs so even they can loot them in leisure.

The auto scene is becoming from bad to worse, I just forgot to see an Auto-man as an other human being. He looks at me like I was a walking talking "Rupee-Note" and I look at him as a hungry Vampire who feeds on my money.

SAD BUT TRUE What to do ?

Snippets From My head...

2009-10-02T01:06:00.000-07:00

I like my house to be lit like on a stage, Lights where I am and the rest of the house to be Dark... So I feel the Spot light on me all the time...

HOME

2009-10-01T03:24:00.000-07:00

I watched an awesome Documentary not so long ago called Home, and my today's talk with a friend kicked all the thoughts I had parked in my head while watching the Docu to the foreground and I see very clearly what Home really means...

If words could ware off then the phrase "Home is where the heart is" will be so worn out, yet I would like to remember the phrase once again to remind me what HOME really is for us Human beings. (I wonder where Homo erectus before turning into Homo sapiens felt most at home... probably where his food went).

I understand that home can mean different things to different species and to us its not just a place where the basic needs are addressed. It is the place that sets a platform to our future growth, a foundation where we learn to understand our strengths and weaknesses along with being linked to our family. Home also implies food, language, weather, clothing, as well as geographical features such as mountains beaches volcanoes and many others my over crowded brain can't think of right now.

Both me and A are not so at Home in either of our parents houses because of the simple fact that we can't be ourselves to be able to let our guards down, and be totally accepted... Well anyways thats a whole different chapter, as the complexity of what Home with family is too dense.

Even though Home is where we feel like we belong, not constantly feel like an outsider is Home just a community we once lived in ??? or the country that is our dream destination ??? Or is it just that feeling we carry within ourselves??? is it always a place where you feel at Home ??? I feel a sense of belonging and at Home with people too... Will that feeling remain with me if I recreate same surroundings and take the same people I love with me and resettle in say for example US ???
I don't know...

World didn't remain a simple place to understand simple things and have simple choices. Law of nature is that we undergo transformations that may require us to uproot ourselves from the actual situation to migrate to live in different circumstances.

The shock of contradictions brought forth by the new place may push us into a state of discomfort questioning everything about the very foundations we may have come to depend on... But does it always mean that we are losing something ??? why can't it be relearning a different way to be ? Do things ?

an alternate answer to the same question... before we fashion new memories, acquire new friends and warm the new abode in order to feel at home, it is a necessary change to become like a tree that gives shelter for the birds to build their nests in, to become and be the home we search for... it is merely a matter of staying grounded and centered, allowing and recognizing that the pleasures we enjoyed in one place will still touch our hearts in another.

As Earth our bed Sky as the shelter and nature as our sibling, Home is Everywhere... Wherever we are... Home is a place that you can leave behind with a detachment of a bird and care of a man who hopes that the place left behind by us will protect an other needy.

I just wish that You make peace with yourself and your surroundings to feel at Home in India in America or even in Timbuktu.

Recognizing the Unbefitting

2009-09-22T02:08:00.000-07:00

However Self aware we are of our emotions… No one is beyond the first 6 basic emotions (Happiness Sadness Fear Anger Surprise and Disgust), and to me it was surprising to realize that LOVE and HATE are learnt or acquired emotions… along with Jealousy… deducing that it is possible for some Humans to lead a life free of some acquired emotions… Given a choice I would unlearn to be Jealous.
I cannot distance myself from the world around me, I strive to live harmoniously with all and it is beyond me to not be affected by how people around me act. I am unable to turn my brain off which constantly picks on signals off of people and I stop myself from acting on my compelling responses. It is easy to Hurt the person who always hurts you, EASY!!! Especially when we have a repertoire of justifications.
Humans (I like using that word “Humans” It helps me to distance myself from all that is human and see how Non-Humans or super humans would behave) have a natural tendency to ascribe meaning to all the experiences and then categorize them into GOOD EXPERIENCE and BAD EXPERIENCE and then HATE OR LIKE the people who caused those experiences… BUT is there a pattern in which we associate these experiences. The perception of these experiences real or projected from our previous learning’s rooted soo deep into us that we are unable to disassociate ourselves from these experiences? (When I start to think in these lines I feel like I am thousands of feet elevated above the ground and am ready to Jump off… with NO support at all… it is a proof that I am unable to keep my thoughts and emotions in separate compartments)
I wish to be a Non-Human and NOT REACT to people who deliberately go out of their way to be NASTY with me… but how many times will I be successful in doing so with people who are somehow entwined to my life? … This remains a 50 dollar question (as some said to me this morning).
I believe that every situation has the power to teach us about life because it is life’s way of exposing us to something unfamiliar, a lesson we overlooked...
However I think in a situation our responses become more and more programmed… I am used to getting scared of dark, a habit carried forth from childhood… I show my respects elders by touching their feet, action out of an osmosis I don’t analyse… I forgot the initial impressions of the experiences that evoke these emotions in me and in order to get to that, I have to peel off the, accumulated layers. (I am an onion now)
A crazy but fun experience of peeling away these layers to get to the original impressions to understand a larger story… To understand if the lion attacks the frightened or the attack causes the fright… To understand whether someone’s meanie behavior causes ill feelings in me or vice versa… IS IT THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG???
I still feel as confused as when I started to try and cast some light on these abstract feelings… The essence of all this churning still remains like the colour of summer sunset… Is it Bluish-Red? Bluish-Orange? Or Bluish-Yellow? And By the time I decipher… it is all grey…

4th Floor...

2009-09-19T23:11:00.000-07:00

Missing out on a smallest detail makes me feel super afflicted. The wretchedness of the whole scenario may seem so trivial. But to me I don't even know why it is important to be part of these small details of the person I love.

A lived on the 4th floor whole of last year and I didn't even know that, when I spoke to him on phone and skyped with him, the images I used to create in my head now feel so rueful,EMPTY, Just because of one small detail being out of place.

Maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill... BUT How I feel is how I feel. *SIGH*

Close to Friday Midnight's Philosophy...

2009-09-04T11:10:00.000-07:00

The date for my Man to come back to India is closer, I am tensed, nervous; Memories I forgot are coming back to me. Some really fun ones and some not so fun ones. I have been soaring the skies like a lone eagle this last one year and now I am going to be in marriage again, marriage implying mostly all the relationships that come with him as a package. I could afford to be reckless while alone, and I began to like that side of me so much. I was always that, only now I had the chance to really let that ME live. I wish He likes what I have become now.

I feel Happy, But today I feel more sad, as He is leaving a lot behind and coming too... one year of relationships, very new home that became familiar to him over a year, some people He passed by and some people He lived with... No I am not being empathetic here... Just very afraid that I may not be able to replace all that for him, and now I feel very Burdened thinking I have to help him miss them with out hurting and not feeling a huge vacuum where He had made place for those left behind.

Dear God, Give us both Strength for us both to help each other... we are both going to meet each other as new us, very familiar with each other but very new. I hope the new Us still find love in each other and trust each other to proceed into future, "Till death does us apart" .

http://www.vimeo.com/6413267

When The daughter in law is expected to become Holier than Thou'

2009-08-26T09:18:00.000-07:00

Timing Can Be Everything

2009-08-03T18:28:00.000-07:00

Where I Need To Be... My Daily dosage of Om!!!

Since human timetables quite often do not correspond with universal timetables, it’s common for people to feel that life is progressing too slowly or too quickly. We draft carefully composed plans only to find that they fall into place when we least expect. Or, conversely, we are thrust into roles we believe we are not prepared for and wonder how we will survive the demands imposed upon us by unfamiliar circumstances. When delays in our progress kindle pangs of disappointment within us or the pace of life seems overwhelming, peace can be found in the simple fact that we are exactly where we need to be at this moment.

Taking a walk to where the Earth Meets the Stars…

2009-07-28T09:31:00.000-07:00

I saw the beauty of the Sky and Sea mate,
Heard the hissing Sun take a dip in the sea,
Before relaxing in the lap of welcoming Earth,
The beauty of their distance, the illusion of their closeness…

They all live miles apart from each other,

My feelings are profoundly influencing the perception of reality.
A constant craving for distance and closeness…
Clouds bend down to touch the waiting trees
Causing Shadows; similar to
Days and nights that cause havoc in my head.

Illusions are real when you have a stubborn point to view,
And the earth meets the stars while
Rainbow holds hands with the moon;
When it rains in space.

A Quickie... for the week-end

2009-07-24T08:14:00.000-07:00

My brother swallowed jamun's (its a KIND of BERRY) seed, A Fruit Which has barely any flesh on top, makes the tongue go all purple, and it tastes kinda acidic, but is the most famous among Monkeys and children. We ran up to my grand dad, and he said... "Ayya NOW a JAMUN Tree will grow out of Gopi's head..."
I thought That was SOO COOL, Ran and swallowed some 3 or 4 seeds that night, and for a week I would put water to my feet and hope that The tree would grow out of me too... I checked everyday for the next week and Finally I decided to go check with my mom on the progress. and SHE JUST DIDN"T STOP LAUGHING.

I should also write about how much trouble I got into trying to make RUBBER with Pigeon Shit and goats Milk...

PS: I still wish I was a Tree That could fly far, and rooted DEEP.

What does how we treat other people say about us?

2009-07-15T07:30:00.000-07:00

A Call to the Support System

2009-07-15T04:35:00.000-07:00

I read some where that each one of us, whether we realize it or not, moves through life in the company of those who watch over us, and I think its true… Grand fathers, Moms, Best friends, Gods, spirit guides, angels, any one who we totally trust also can provide us security and serve as protectors and guides.

There is a saying in Telugu; “Adagandi Ammayinaa annam pettadu” (Even a mother doesn’t sense the hunger and serve the food if we don’t ask) even tho’ our protectors take pleasure in their roles yet cannot assist us without first being asked.

Since the origins of our sacred sentinels differ, we may choose whom we call upon for help based on the situation at hand, whether it’s about spirituality, health or emotional issues or plane human needs.

As the quote says God couldn’t be every where for ever body so He made Moms, But only guys in India remain with parents for the rest of their lives where as girls leave after the wedding and in Western countries girls and guys leave home at an young age and build a support system of their own…

However, in certain circumstances, particularly in which time we feel extremely vulnerable and when the world seems to be standing on the other side of the shore teasing us to swim upstream to catch up… we may feel the need for moral support, a kind word or just the combined presence will give us a sense of security that strengthens you and reminds you that you are never alone and giving us the strength of 10 elephants working on us thousand folds better than a blessed talisman..

I think though people around us are always ready to help us how easy is it for us to accept help and First and foremost ask for help in dangerous, chaotic, or confounding moments???

Asking for help does it make us feel small? No on the contrary… To understand the need for help and to seek it from some one who cares for us and in whom we trust and then to respect the fact that the person is willing to sit through the agonizingly slow process of giving us hand while we recuperate. Needs a lot of courage… It’s not so easy to give, but to ask and take is tougher, I think.

The roles of the supporters and the supported interchange; like when we were babies our Moms took care of us and when Moms get older we take care of them…

I wish the watchful guardians and the watched all the very best and a quick recovery from their emotional physical and spiritual short comings.

Today...

2009-07-14T06:48:00.000-07:00

I asked one of my colleagues if he would like to go out for a walk with me and He said... Why ???

A walk with out a purpose according to me is the best kind there could be... No where to go... Not to exercise no looking for an auto...

JUST A WALK... Its a beautiful experience.

Bad Days...

2009-07-13T03:33:00.000-07:00

Guess we all have days from time to time when it feels like the whole world is against us. The chaos I am experiencing will it ever end ?!?!?. One negative circumstance seems to lead to another.

These were the Thoughts That I went to bed with...

I wonder whether anything in my life will ever go right again. But Yesterday like any other bad day, was a gift. Having a bad day showed me that it is time to slow down, change course, or lighten up. Helped me to gather slowly and laboriously, bit by bit some wisdom I have overlooked or discounted. Yesterday certainly caused me to experience uncomfortable feelings I would prefer to avoid, yet it also gave me a potent means to learn about myself...

I smile a lot and people find me easy to approach
I am interested in people
People are attracted to me, naturally
I can get to know people really fast
I can talk to anyone at their level.
I am always in tune with reality
I hate people who always ALWAYS find some one to blame.
I know people who turn their backs on us will do it eventually.
I get very easily angry but can apologise easily.
I have a bad habit of keeping a count of how many times I excuse someone.
I am very stubborn.
I exercise mind flexibility and wish to stretch it to its full potential.
I have a WISH and a WILL to better my life always.

Flexibility is the capacity to bend without breaking, as well as a continual willingness to change or be changed in order to accommodate new circumstances. I am attracted to such people with flexible minds, who are open to shifting their course when necessary or useful; some one who is not overly attached to things going the way they had planned is really My hero... This enables to anyone to take advantage of opportunities that a more rigid person would miss out on, making life a lot more fun. When we are flexible, we allow for situations we could not have planned, and so the world continues to surprise and delight us.

I think we are more in tune with reality when we are flexible. Being in tune enables us to adjust to the external environment and other people as they change and grow. When we are rigid or stuck in our ways, instead of adjusting to the world around us we hunker down, clinging to a concept of reality rather than reality itself. When we do this, we cut ourselves off from life, and we miss out on valuable opportunities, as well as a lot of joy.

So I promise myself that the way I create flexibility in my body by stretching physically, I am going to also create limberness in my mind by stretching mentally. Every day is a new day a new opportunity to exercise my flexibility.

Resolutions

Implementing from Today on... I will avoid everyone and anyone who poses to be a friend/family or a well wisher So they can stay close enough to watch my misery and make me feel further guilty. I am the most important person to me... and what counts is MY happiness.

BUT will give yesterday an other chance.

Will try with small things and in small ways.
Take a different route from home to work
Changing the exercise routine.
Rearrange the furniture and redo a room.
Will meditate in the morning.
Won't be blind to the fact that each situation unfold into several different possibilities.
I trust in life and its never been unfair to me.
For how the next year will unfold makes me feel apprehensive exited and afraid, will welcome all the feelings with Open arms.
I AM the channel as I do this making my mind more supple and open, when finally changes come my way I will accommodate and will flow with the new reality.

Blue-Guru-White-Fiction-one-Fire

2009-07-06T00:52:00.000-07:00

Why did you do that ???
His skin fiery glossy reflecting the angry full moon light...
Hissing like a snake... He asked again...
WHY BUT why did you do that ???
Silence... NO words... Just bright loud moonlight... NO tears... Nothing.
The question resounding, each letter of the sentence flying in different directions to shatter against the walls cracking into thin sharp weapons to bounce back at her, tearing into her... leaving many tiny scratches on her...
Still the thick silence mocking him... instigating his anger to mount... "Tell me, why did you do it???"
She raised her eyes to look at him... silenced by the brilliance that stood in front of her... A man burning in his own anger... He is melting from inside and burnt flesh is oozing flowing down to form a puddle at his feet...
The coals he chose to swallow for an inexplicable reason... Burning him inside... making his insides glow a golden red like a Halloween Pumpkin...
Why did you do that ??? The words blew out of him like flames... now burning her, hurting her into a state of stubborn Silence...
Her lips closed tighter now... No words
Eyes still dry... No tears
Screaming Moonlight invaded the room... window accepted defeat, So did he... Burning up in flames...
His Ashes scattered by the wind... raised up and onto her... taking refuge in her torn and burnt skin...
"I want to be with you, please love me... I don't care what you did and why you did it..." a loud whisper screaming from zillions of tiny voices moved her.... in to FAT WET TEARS... She looked around for him... to confess... BUT where was he ?

In The wonderland... I am the redefined Alice...

2009-07-02T10:34:00.000-07:00

Let The time solve the Mysteries... I am just content to live in the moment and laugh with you.

My last nights DREAM

2009-06-29T19:08:00.000-07:00

Gently trickling fountains, the call of birds, the soothing drones of monks, harps, and strings... white silky clouds reaching down to earth...
A slight drizzle and a man running towards me... or away from me...
His cycle magically floating next to him...
Every time the peddle rotates to strike chord E, a cycle that's also an acoustic guitar...

What does my dream mean ??? DO dreams actually say something to me ??? or are they just plane jumbled thoughts manifested into images ???

I am on a Dream marathon...

Its Your Birthday...

2009-06-26T01:34:00.000-07:00

P...

I don't remember how we met But remember to thank god that we met...
I remember how you made me a news paper cutting of all the crazy events that happened in the year we met and gave to it me on our first anniversary...

I remember how you introduced me to the man of my life and How you were there for me every time I needed you...

All My birthdays You made them special with little surprise parties :) your cakes and such thoughtful presents; I love the kajal box with all my heart :)

I feel so small today that ALL I COULD DO today is miss you real BAD and yearn for your company, Miss your warm hugs Miss seeing you heave those long sighs after you hug me...

I wish You a great GREAT BIRTHDAY, and I pray to god That your each year becomes richer and Richer with every passing year, I wish you make more friends See more places go through intense metamorphism lots and lots of introspection, and walk back into my house with them to enrichen me as you have always with the experiences with a dash of your own perspective to it.

I am such a selfish person that on your birthday I pray to god for me... To reduce the distance between us and to keep you in my life forever. I pray to God that he brings me smiles when I look at the happy life you lead...

:D I love you P... and I thank God, the nature and the source that brought you into this world to brighten My life :D Ummmmaaahhhh

Dot dot dot

2009-06-25T12:07:00.000-07:00

Dalai lama with a gun... The only dream He remembers... I wish I could sketch to see how D Lama looks with a Gun.

I think a man who experienced peace in his privacy uses any tool even be it a gun as a means to achieve what he knows is possible... thus becoming not just more an efficient soldier but also more dangerous than any terrorist who never knows the glory of peace.

I had so much fun today going out with 3 A's and an N and an other L ... Girls Just had Fun. We danced our butts on a Karaoke night :D What fun :)

Meeting My Shiva

2009-06-19T06:22:00.000-07:00

Boasting Nature reflecting in His eyes...
A perpetual smile causing a Pink rainbow on his face...
When He touches my heart; my soul and my body He rains a pearl drop at a time...
His being ablaze with the thoughts about here to eternity...
His shimmering arrogance...
His third eye invisible to the commoner...
His silvery confidence...
Worldly questions creasing his moon like brows...

I met my Shiva...
Boosting My confidence even Shiva is not perfect

The beauty of imperfection...
The concept...
The illusion...
The Nothingness...
The Infinite...
The grandiose...
The luck in coincidence...

All and nothing at the same time... Promises of nothing to cause the happiness to peak.
I met Shiva this morning... a dream I experience and an experience I dreamt of...

My Tomorrow morning's Tasteless coffee with Extra Sugar

2009-06-11T11:05:00.000-07:00

A lonely bed at night and a hot cup of coffee in the morning by myself... When life offered me a beautiful day I forgot to think what follows...

Here I am sitting and typing to myself, after a super long day filled with beautiful people, intense rush...

My heart feels so full yet there is a spot that feels emptier than before... tears trickle down my smiling cheeks.

Clouded by the overwhelming Gratitude, even though there is a huge pit in my heart drawing more and more tears; missing those beautiful hugs and kisses...

What can I say about the disappointment that there is no one I can offer coffee to tomorrow morning but myself, my nose wrinkling up thinking how tasteless it could feel...

Cine Talk...

2009-05-28T04:32:00.001-07:00

I watched Shri 420, a retro Raj kapoor film made in 1975 yesterday... in a theater that is not in a MULTIPLEX...

The experience was brilliant with the audience singing along loudly with full enthu for a second show film... ( maybe its a strategy that they came up with to not fall asleep)

Raj kapoor was getting to me with his COPY CAT STYLE... it was like watching a 3rd rate street imitation of Charlie Chaplin.

I think Indian movie-makers just aim the actual audience and never consider future audience. A movie made in 1975 when watched in the 2009, it should still be able to offer something to the audience.

Where as with some of Indian films (specially Hindi ones... as most Telugu movies made before 80's had either mythological or family stories.) half the time I was irritated with the fake 3rd rate charlie.

It makes me wonder what the film-makers thought of the audience. Hollywood offered in Indi style... Tsk tsk...

and yet such brilliant lyrics... "dil ka haal sune dil wala" wah wah...

Not that copying doesn't happen now and not that southies don't... it happens every where and It is a big shame... specially coz we have soo many stories to tell from our own back yard.

and continuing on...

Did you ever think of voyeurism ??? I think everyone is a Voyeur at some level to a certain degree. Curiosity taken to an other level.

I irritate myself by Say things that I don't mean and not saying things I mean out of fear of "I don't know"
The former happens because it will get you some advantage? WHAT ADVANTAGE "I don't know" and the Latter because of some disadvantage... AGAIN, some unknown name less fear gripping us...

Lately with my severe introspection, I am discovering traits that I am ashamed of and irritated with in others.

Today I have been doing that a lot, with H. I don't feel the way he wants me to feel, but I just say these things, and then I cringe... I cringe inside deeply because I am being fake..and false, and not true to my honest feelings...

I don't like to be Rude with people and HATE Hurting people's feelings in any which way, but it feels strange to desire to Please... Its a horrible HORRIBLE FEELING.

Yet I am afraid of throwing that mask away. Afraid what I may expose to the world.

Confused head and a Python tummy !!!

2009-05-26T03:29:00.000-07:00

Today...

I don't even know myself anymore.
I think it might be a good thing, and not a bad thing. I look back through my journal, and I slowly see this change. I feel like I am waking up a very different Person...

I eat too much some days and too less on some others... I am just tired of telling myself about the importance of following a routine as far as food is concerned, BUT my head and heart take turns to rule my days and I just let them.

The weather is confusing, now rain and now sun shine... BUT the summer rain is more than welcome... and my plants look happy and one of them even gave me a surprise by flowering... didn't know it was a flowering type...

Love these little surprises... like my parents visit on Sunday. I just love it when they visit me ...
Every one should walk half way to meet in a relationship, it is tiring to do the full lap all alone... It feels like the other doesn't care enough...

*SIGH* some times it pains to think that my parents in law didn't visit me even once from the time B left. Maybe they don't care enough, or maybe just too caught up.

I looked in the mirror and was amased at what I saw... skin around my nose is peeling again, result of the Sunday swim and last nights exposure to the cool breeze...

I sat with my furry companion in the balcony and noticed she has a tiny growth on her nose... I get very scared and begin to imagine the worst... have to take her to the vet tomorrow.

Last night's sleep was filled with dreams... I dreamt of my first room-mate, a friend called Aditya, about Pepz's strange growth...

I keep thinking of why I love the people I love, some don't even care for it, and some others don't need me to love them...

I scribbled off all the thoughts passing through my head now in this super drowsy head and stuffed belly.

The Praise of folly...

2009-05-20T03:18:00.000-07:00

Only look at those heavy, solemn fellows who've devoted themselves to philosophic studies or to serious and difficult business -- they have started to grow old even before their youth, their vital spirits and animal juices all dried up as a result of constant worry and the pressure of painful, intensive cogitation. But my morons are all plump, with sleek and glistening skins. . .never feeling any of the sorrows of old age unless by chance they pick up some trouble by contagion from the wise.

Desiderius Erasmus Roterodamus

DARK WAS THE NIGHT

2009-05-20T00:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I worked almost till 1am I dozed of in the cab... But when I got Home I was feeling fresh again and felt like a long walk, I used to do that a lot as a teenager, sneak out of the house around 2 am and walk the streets just to feel free... That old urge to feel free dawned on me last night, my ever Enthu cutlet Pepsi already sensed my thoughts ( ESP I guess) and she was jumping around...

I freshened up and set out for a walk, The night was beautiful and everything was freshly washed by the rain in the evening... The smell of wet mud was pushing me back in to my past and I was flipping my mental album, places and people were dominantly present in them, The experiences I shared with them, the emotions they evoked in me had me gripped in the past I began to miss some of my dear friends, my friends from School; my friend in high school through college, My colony friends in marredpally, then teenage friends and friends I hung out when I did some plays or a brief trek or a work shop or many many many such... SIGH

I read some where that we meet people for a reason a season and a lifetime... It is beyond choice, we are just attracted to that person because or in spite of what we think.

Every person that passes through our lives makes a contribution to our autobiographies. There are those who play large roles and make deep impressions, becoming full chapters of our autobiographies, but sometimes a brief special appearance worth mentioning in a page, before life takes them in another direction and yet they create a meaningful connection with us.

The world is full of more people we get more interested in them than the ones we already know, I strongly believe that we are often drawn to people with similar energy, which brings us together time and time again.

When we meet a person it is as if we have known him all our lives we shared similar life stories or lived just around the corner from each other but never met until now... That is fate bringing these people into our lives, there is always a reason.

They probably are here to pass on a message, to remind us of a part of ourselves we have forgotten to nurture. They might appear to give us a chance to react in a new way to an old situation. They may even bring up unresolved issues so that we may complete them, giving us the chance to move forward on our life path. They may never know what they bring into our lives, but the contact is a gift.

I had a strong urge to not just take up a old habit of walking in the quiet of the night but also to seek out my old friends. I went to bed with all these thoughts buzzing in my head and I dreamt of my dear friend Jaisi from high school, she named her daughter Vishnu, she loves me that much... Then how come I am unable to get back in touch... I don't know.

I associate some places with some people and all my plants are called by my friends names... My closest friends are in my bed room where as the rest of them are all in the rest of the house.

I don't know what these dreams mean But I know I am being given a message by the nature to rekindle my old relationships to use their appearance as an excuse to get in touch. to reach out to share the gift of renewed contact. I know that this circle of connection and reconnection, will surely make me look beyond the surprise of the moment to enjoy the deeper gift that this revelation brings.

All those dear ones are here for a reason and their names are engraved in my memory for a lifetime.

AMEN

My plants My babies !!!

2009-05-12T08:58:00.000-07:00

Do you know the feeling of sitting around with just the plants for company and the only source of light is from the moon, and the cool breeze carrying the kisses blown by the plants ?

When I moved in to this apartment I brought the green soul into existence in a broken cup, a bucket and wine bottle, the plant in the bucket died on me; I cried, and I still feel sad that I neglected that baby... I don't know what happened.

You know I came to understand that there is a single soul that lives in all the plants, but has many hearts. Think in every house that has plants this green soul exists. I would always encourage my friends to have plants, I gifted my friend Leena a plant and she now has about 30 pots of various plants. That is what this soul does, it comes and multiplies it self as it wants more and more of the attention we can give it.

The green soul shows its affection to me by originating a new leaf in one of the plants. Or by sprouting roots on a plant that is completely dried up...

I have planted myself happiness in my balcony. I offer my prayers by serving the plants. they are my silver thread to the nature. Sometimes they help me symbolize the meaning of life and death, The harmony of relationships. The green soul teaches me lessons through its many forms... the slow but steady growth of Bamboos, the "take it easy at times" attitude of certain bulbs in winters, and How some Annuals broadcast seeds before they completely perish... there is a lesson in every pot, plant and leaf, in the difference one living thing, plant or person, can make, and how their presence resonates long after they're gone is a big lesson to me.

To tune into the divine timing of the gardening, is a form of meditation. Green soul resides with me.

calvin again

2009-05-12T08:56:00.000-07:00

Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles!

Says CALVIN... I am so like him.

Sleep !!!

2009-05-11T01:39:00.000-07:00

Its Monday morning and my shift changed from night to second. The first few days of the night shift it was sooo difficult for me to not fall asleep on my key board, And to be nice to people, to smile at the operators when I was imagining poking pencils in their eyes that my assistant leaves well sharpened in my office is a big Rorsharch test.

My assistant, Oh my GOD !!! if you knew the feeling of arriving at a junction hurriedly and the traffic light turning from green to orange... you know she is always in that mode, always rushing, its fun to watch her eat Ice cream. she is good at what she does, I am great full for what she does for me, yet, with her little girlie squeaky voice, and the traffic signal attitude is too much to handle when I am sleep deprived, and she really can bring out the lurking killer in me every night shift. Her unlimited enthusiasm to teach me to write Tamil and for me to correct her French makes me want to unsubscribe.

And to come back to this every night , after laying in the bed waiting to fall into a deep dark hole, a state of REM where no one hurts, remains only a dream, with the back drenched in sweat, Pepsi's bell in her neck ringing as she wanders around the house , door bell ringing, friends buzzing sms to make plans, Pepsi's barking, maid cleaning; All of that seems like TORTURE.

Nothing is in my control.

when you work at a certain level in a company its expected that you write your life off. well I did, in a way... I work close to 15 hours some times.

BUT

To write one's life off is easy BUT to write one's sleep off ???

Bah!!!

You must have already noticed that my mind just didn't wander off but totally left me...
Well all thanks to the shift that changed again, and am going through the same wretchedness taking me over as I didn't sleep enough neither on Saturday nor yesterday... the beautiful lunch and the hot ride up to work and the relief welcome softness of my chair, all this is making me Yawn and stretch making me ignore the usual 30,000,000,000,000,000 pages document I have to translate and to my fuzzy head it feels like a pile that's ever growing like mount Everest,

I have done 3 training sessions, and I had to constantly keep my temper in check, as any tiny thing which I normally won't even notice is triggering me off. My patience is wearing off.

My sleepless brain is looking at life through the magnifying glass blowing up the daemons under my bed. Well the side effects of sleep deprivation, eyes are ready to shut down anytime I allow them to. But the pressure of work where I have to divert my attention to do something else in order to not fall asleep, My body is unsteady.

GOD I just can give up everything for my sleep... I saw in a film how the police tortures the bad guy by not letting him sleep, he is given everything, food, water, bath, clean clothes BUT NO SLEEP...

If I were that interrogated prisoner, I would have given up all else for the sole desire of SLEEPING.

I now understand the look of bliss on the destitute s on the street even when their bodies are exposed to the world but they are enjoying absolute privacy behind their shut lids, cocooned in a world that is very VERY private.

I look at them longingly as I have experienced this desire and I can assure you not hunger or even thirst are comparable to SLEEP.

signing off...
woes of a Diurnal eyeritated creature.

"the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." THOUREAU !!!

2009-05-08T12:50:00.001-07:00

Ha ha You know It just occurred to me that Writing is like Putting a pen on paper and moving it around to make rhythmic patterns !!!

2009-05-07T11:28:00.000-07:00

It happened again !!!

2009-05-06T12:42:00.000-07:00

Its the last week of my night shift and I am walking down my no electricity moon-lit street down to get an auto to get to work, its about 10 pm I just checked my Phone for time...

Whhhhaaaaaaaammmmmm !!!!!

A hard hand touched my left "stuff" a guy walking past me with his buddy took advantage of my being lost... he looked back to see my reactions, I stood there still frozen for a second, Then something came over me... DON'T KNOW what it was, BUT I ran behind to get him, picked a stone and hurled at him... my aim is not always great but some how this time it hit him... I FELT GOOD... VERY VERY GOOD. He was walking off faster and I yelled saying "stop him" a couple coming down that road on a bike stopped him and I RAN UP TO HIM. His companion abandoned him and vanished into one of the dark alleys.

All Alone his face pale, he must be 30, he was trembling like me... I slapped him first and pushed him down and kicked him again... I was getting more and more angry...SO MUCH VIOLENCE IN ME... God!!! I kicked him again...The by standing lady understood the situation and started yelling at him abusing him, guess she was using him as the object to get back to all those who tormented her in the past.

I was still burning where he had touched me earlier memories that I buried from the time I started to show signs of womanhood were buzzing out of the coffin and that was making me more and more ANGRY. I kept saying I'll kill you bastard if you ever touch AN OTHER WOMAN again. I kicked him again, with audience around me I was becoming more and more a MOB and I kicked where it hurts the most for guys. It FELT GOOD to hurt him.

It was time for me to calm down... I should not kill some one for touching me.. JUST TEACH HIM A STRONG ENOUGH LESSON... BUT WHY DID I WANT TO KILL HIM... I WAS ENRAGED. Thank god for the people around that he is alive.
I kicked him again in his face, for all my friends who got spat on by pan or were touched and every women who silently learnt to hunch to hide away from the street predators.

Its not the first time this happened to me, it happened to me a hundred times before... it happened in the darkness of the theaters in the crowded bazars, It feels like a mini rape, NOT PUNISHABLE BY THE LAW, SO IT is ENCOURAGING TO THESE SNEAKY SON OF BASKETS.

I have hit guys before; to be precise twice before...

BUT this evening I felt really really HURT that it just continues to be SAME in spite of the development around us, in spite of the MNC's and international exposure... and the screaming MEDIA about woman's liberation and all that.

I got very late to work... and couldn't give the reason for me being late. HEAVY WITH SHAME !!!

I sit here feeling a huge DISAPPOINTMENT.

AND

I don't know HOW TO STOP THESE GUYS from being mini rapists... I don't even know how to stop the auto guys who set their rear view mirrors to see my face and touch themselves, The medical shop guy, The water guy... I just feel like Punching them all in the face, and give them a bonus punch if they say anything about MY DRESSING BEING PROVOCATIVE... wish there was some way to show you all what I was wearing today. A PLANE SALWAR KAMEEZ with a DUPATTA that can cover 3 women.

I will hit all the guys who touch whats mine and mine alone with out MY permission. EVERY TIME. My Body is not the street wall that anyone can touch.

ITS A PROMISE TO MYSELF, GOD FORBID IF I SEE THIS HAPPEN AGAIN, NOT JUST TO ME BUT TO ANY WOMAN I'LL KILL THE GUY.

Lin Yutang

2009-05-06T04:25:00.000-07:00

How many of us are able to distinguish between the odours of noon and midnight, or of winter and summer, or of a windy spell and a still one? If man is so generally less happy in the cities than in the country, it is because all these variations and nuances of sight and smell and sound are less clearly marked and lost in the general monotony of gray walls and cement pavements.

I love this quote !!!

ME

2009-05-05T12:53:00.000-07:00

Right after a TRANSFORMATION took me nine amazing years and just two blows !!!

I am "E" and He is "A"

2009-04-30T15:17:00.001-07:00

I am as simple as You perceive me and as Complicated as you estimate.

I Love my dog, I love to cook, I enjoy watching Movies... I watch at least 2 films a day. I don't have TV and don't ever Intend to have one. I don't like to tell people about My age.

MY WEAKNESSES...

2009-04-26T23:35:00.000-07:00

I TAKE NO PRIDE IN THEM...
THEY DON'T HINDER MY CONFIDENCE...
BUT THEY CAN'T BE IGNORED AS THEY POP OUT ONCE IN A WHILE TO REMIND ME...
'HERE WE ARE... EVEN WE INSPITE OF BEING WEAK CAN HUMBLE YOU, BUT YOUR CONFIDENCE IS YOUR ENEMY DON'T TRUST IT, IT LETS YOU DOWN WHEN YOU MOST NEED IT.'

CALVIN'S POEM ON MOM AND DAD !!!

2009-04-23T15:35:00.001-07:00

My mom and my dad are not what they seem.
Their dull appearance is part of their scheme.
I know of their plans. I know their techniques.
My parents are outer space alien freaks!

They landed on earth in spaceships humongous.
Posing as grownups, they now walk among us.
My parents deny this, but I know the truth.
They're here to enslave me and spoil my youth.

Early each morning, as the sun rises,
Mom and dad put on their earthling disguises.
I knew right away their masks weren't legit.
Their faces are lined - they sag and don't fit.

The earth's gravity makes them sluggish and slow.
They say not to run, wherever I go.
They live by the clock. They're slaves to routines.
They work the year 'round. They're almost machines.

They deny that TV and fried food have much worth.
They cannot be human. They're not of this earth.
I cannot escape their alien gaze,
And they're warping my mind with their alien ways.
For sinister plots, this one is a gem.
They're bringing me up to turn me into them!

CALVIN IS ADORABLE !!!

2009-04-22T15:06:00.001-07:00

Ahhhhhh, The Transmogrifier.

I LOVE IT WHEN CALVIN GOES IN AND COMES OUT AS KUTTI TIGER... GOD HE IS SO UMMAAAAAAABLE. AND WHEN HE GOES FOR SWIMMING LESSONS IN SCHOOL AND WHEN TOLD ABOUT DEAD MAN FLOAT HE JUST SCREAMS HIS GUTS OUT.
I HAD SIMILAR REACTION WHEN TOLD ABOUT THE DEAD MAN'S FLOAT. I IDENTIFY WITH CALVIN BANG ON. CALVIN MAKES ME FEEL THAT THE PROBLEMS I GO THROUGH ARE SHARED BY SOME ONE ELSE, AND THAT GIVES ME A STRANGE STRENGTH. I TAKE SOLACE IN THE FACT THAT I RELATE TO CALVIN AND HOBBES AND AM NOT ALONE THINKING ABOUT HOW HORRIBLE SOMETHINGS AROUND ME ARE.

YOU KNOW TODAY I ALSO REALISED THAT ALL CALVIN AND HOBBES STRIPS WERE WRITTEN IN ALL-CAPS.

favoritism shown by Parents

2009-04-22T14:27:00.000-07:00

You must have seen in friends how Ross is the favorite child and can be excused for anything and everything where as Monica always has to work to even get a tiny bit of warmth...

Well Its super funny to watch on T.V; But to watch some thing like that in real life happen to some one in close proximity to you is NOT A BIT FUNNY. Already In some families there preferences like a boy or a girl, dark or fair, thin or plump, slow or intelligent.

I really can't understand how parents do that to their own children, can you imagine what the child must go through silently by himself, he may not actually realise as elaborately on how he is being treated unequally but it will certainly reflect in his relation with his sibling and how he could perform in school, outside with friends. causing parents to further dislike him... Thus they get caught in the vicious circle.

The one being treated like the "APPLE OF THE EYE" will become more and more over confident and the other will become more and more Under confident and What parents can never realise is that they will both Suffer.

I am witnessing this everyday in my building and don't understand how to explain it to the parents. Both their children are unique in their own way, already its not fair to compare them constantly it is a BIG BIG SIN more over kiss hug over indulge one child and cuss the other one out is DISGUSTING. ITS HORRIBLE. sometimes I see how one of the child looks hungrily for some of the hugs that her sibling gets and can't ask because of some fear, is SAD.

I wish Parents can understand that it is a way of conditioning the child to think that he doesn't deserve the good things in life or be timid and inexpressive in life, THIS IS HORRIBLE.

I am just getting carried away and taking this personally. I am very HURT right now. and I am empathetic to that child.

After thoughts : Its also funny to read calvin say that he is glad that he doesn't have siblings coz he doesn't want to be a killer...

JUST A QUESTION... WHY DO PARENTS DO THIS ??? WEREN'T THEY ONCE CHILDREN WHO SUFFERED THIS ???

Calvin and hobbes...

2009-04-16T12:54:00.000-07:00

I bought my first copy of Calvin and Hobbes...
GOD I love Bill waterson soo much. I was thinking of him so much coz of what has been happening at work and today with elections...

CALVIN mirrors the society around us so wonderfully and it is hilarious in the comic strip but can you imagine how unbearable he can be and at the other times how wonderful he is.

I just keep thinking of Calvin as a real person.

Fly away now !!!

2009-04-13T11:09:00.000-07:00

I am now ready to let the BUTTERFLY FLY away ...

I had it closed with my fingers entwined almost suffocating it... BUT now I sing to it saying "Go my dear fly fly fly away, here I open my palms and my heart... take all the colours away WITH YOU...

How boring are all the colours you had flashing at me... My life in Black and white is more interesting.

I say my last goodbyes to you... and blow the last trace of colour you left on my palms... AND saw the plainness of my hands glint back at me.

Did you say Good bye or See You Soon ???

2009-04-11T08:54:00.000-07:00

I picked up the pieces of my Broken heart...

My support system in place, all well engineered to imitate the times of pleasure. They know why I go to them, so They make me laugh, hug me and show me how special I am...

I am reminded of something, someone, and I look over my shoulder, I felt you standing behind me.

NOTHING, NOONE.

AND a dark shadow marred my smile.

THEY make me look forward to my week-ends... I have them packed so I have no time to miss you, at the end of a tired day, I sigh my tears out and sleep.

I still don't remember if you murmured A good bye or a See you again to me, was lost in that Half Hug. I sigh again, no more supply of tears... STILL busy picking up those shattered pieces of my heart, and SMILE.

I love the beauty of BROKEN hearts and I made friends with Misery, Funny Misery gave up on me too and I LAUGH SO loud.

SOME FUNNY THINGS ABOUT ME THAT MY COLLEAGUES NOTICE..

2009-04-09T08:32:00.000-07:00

I conducted a tiny work shop this afternoon for team building and FOR me it was JUST a FUN THING TO DO at work, BUT my team participated with such gusto that it had become SERIOUS FUN.

Its a simple game, everyone stands in a circle with one person in between, this person is like the bottle in "SPIN THE BOTTLE", where he turns with an out stretched hand and closed eyes while I (in charge of the game counts) and stops turning when I stop counting. who ever the bottle person points everyone in the circle has to tell the first thing that occurs to us about the person. So after the game was over they wanted me to participate as they wanted to tell me somethings they notice about me. and here are some real FUNNY things THAT I wouldn't ever have noticed about myself...

1. I always TALK as if am teaching.
2. That I have funny obsession with lip gloss.
3. I walk extremely gracefully when I wear salwar kameez or sari and skip hop dance-walk when I wear jeans.
4. When I am angry I talk so low that I almost whisper.. ( I don't know which one of them were at the receiving end of my ANGER... I AM SO ASHAMED for that AND I apologised)
5. I smile and laugh out loud when working ( ahem ahem... that's when I am chatting with my friends) and I knew I laughed loud, BUT didn't know I smiled too.
6. WHEN I make EYE contact with out smiling THEY are scared. ( I never thought of myself as some one scary... in fact I keep thinking I should be a LITTLE more stern)
7. I always match all my accessories... ( I used to pay a lot of attention to my dressing when in college now its just become mechanical and I like that they notice it. )
8. I talk to everyone at work, including the house keeping staff and the security staff. ( some of my seniors actually find it offensive that I prefer to speak to security and house keeping staff and not them. ) THAT IS An interesting snippet about me.
9. When I ask for something ( like bring a bottle of water from outside) my voice becomes like a little child's.
10. I remember a LOT of their personal details. ( I really didn't think I did, BUT I am happy that I can cover up so smoothly.
and Finally
11. After I got my head shaved I touch my hair/head too much. (I gotta stop doing that. I am sometimes self conscious now.)

SOMETHING that they don't know and I knew this morning is that IF not for my team I would hate working here. THEY are JUST amazing bunch of engineers, very unexposed to the world outside and so are impressed by someone as simple as me. THEY should rightfully be doing graduation and not working. the eldest with 6 years of work experience is 24. I find it UNJUST.

SIGH SIGH SPIDER

PEPPY PEPSI Pep's Up my LIFE

2009-04-08T02:18:00.000-07:00

I talk to her and she is so attentive, when I'm lonesome she smiles at me with her tail,expressing more with her tail in seconds than I could ever express with my tongue in hours. She understands my moods and obeys my commands, When I am in the Room she sees nothing BUT me, When she looks at me so attentively, and gently licks my hands and my face it feels like I have conquered the world, Such adoration and such unconditional love...
Her dragon breath wakes me up every morning. EVERY TIME I come back home, even if I had to have left for a few minutes she shows HOW much she missed me...
the way she greets me... and then rubs her nose on my new clothes, For the good Lord knows what I did to get PEPSI, MY heartbeat she is.

She is like a compass only she points to ME not to North...

HE IS NO ONE WE KNOW

2009-04-07T01:15:00.000-07:00

Did you ever experience being lost and have a very familiar looking stranger who looks you straight into your eyes with a smile dancing in his own eyes and give you directions ?

I went out with a friend to look at old furniture, we are both real big fans of furniture that is NOT made in 21st century. And she knew a shop where there was furniture from when the English were in India.

But when we went to where the shop was originally supposed to be... IT WAS NOT THERE. we both look at each other with utter disappointment as its quite normal for shops like this to disappear, run by real old men driven by the passion for what they do.

KYA HUA MADAM JI... ( what happened Madam ?) words rung from behind us, voice like rusted iron,he was a man with used up body filled with pounds and pounds of optimism, that shines through his eyes... propelling so much positivity... That I was dumbstruck. HE to me looked honest, I couldn't guess his age, he could be anything between 45 and 60.

My friend explained the situation to him and asked if he knew anything about the shop, He knew of course... My instinct gave me the answer even before he said yes. He patiently explained how to get to the changed address... it just moved on to the other side...

BUT lanes in generalbazar are extremely confusing and their shakal (facade) keeps changing everyday faster than the lines on the palms. we thank him trying to look confident, as we are both disoriented, and head off...

MADAME ji MADAME ji... again rings the now almost familiar voice... we turn back to see the Strange man walking fast as if the road was made of burning coal, he approached us and took a minute to catch his breath and said "hum ko maaloom tha ki aap shop ko miss karke jaoge" (I knew you'll miss the shop and go past)
And then he said he'll guide us...

So he was following us, my friend found this pretty dicey and was apprehensive of the man's motives... and I was doubtful too for a moment... HE didn't notice any of our perplexity, walking a step ahead to turn and look over his shoulder now and then with a half smile, while talking away about when he first came to Hyderabad in 1960's as a boy...

His Enthusiasm was super duper contagious, Both of us reflected the spring in his step, and walking behind him we both exchanged a knowing glance that conveyed "if he asks for money at the end of it all... we GIVE" simple !!!

Doubts erased LIFE GOT SIMPLER we began to enjoy his company, asked him questions... about the city he came from, reasons for his emigration, about Hyd... his family and how he could still retain the way he spoke north Indian hindi and not speak like a Hyderababi... Our questions were numerous and he had hilarious responses to them all. I liked him more and more.

Ai dekhiye madam ji, aap ka Dukhan... (Viola Madam the your shop) HE flashed us his teeth ranging from off white to yellow... HIS smile is like a lightning that gets embedded forever in the heart. I smiled back at him. felt like a bulb in the sunlight.

We were happy to find our shop and make a friend, My friend rushed into the shop, and I put my hand into my bag to pull out my wallet with my eyes turned away just a second to look at the object I was pulling out, I found my wallet and opened it to see notes various denomination peeping out, I had a moments hesitation before I pulled a 50 out, ashamed to tag his time with such little sum... I looked up to where he was... NOT THERE... WHERE was HE ??? I saw him at the end of the lane walking away as if the ROAD was MADE of COAL, from where I stood it looked like he was dancing away into sunset.

His company that day was priceless... I thought of him as I went to that OLD FURNITURE shop again today.

I am still ashamed to have entertained that people do things as they expect something in return, NO there STILL are some brilliant angels with smiling eyes and rusted Iron voice laced with Chewing tobacco, and THUNDER bolt smiles.

Wish to Spot him again so I could just have chai with him and ask him more questions about his life. AND HIS NAME !

euphony or cacaphony ???

2009-04-06T06:52:00.000-07:00

Is there a Time machine that can transport me to when I had my feet flying 3 inches above the ground ???

when the hell did I get down to earth ???

I miss me who could JUST do all the radical stuff without thinking parents, parents in law, uncles aunts or neighbors, didn't care two hoots for anybody... NOW any new thought that I fancy doing I think of ALL the people I know and care for and THINK of what they think... I was wiser when younger I guess 'cause how the hell does what I do effect them in anyway? it JUST serves as a piece of gossip, so I was actually helping to pep up their boring lives. I didn't quite think shaving my head was radical, yet someones OLD STUCK UP TRADITIONAL sentiments are hurt so I can't go visit them until my hair grows back... hmmpphh. I hate this me who is getting sucked up into the same societal norms that I ridiculed all others for.

I JUST want to take off and TRAVEL on to never come back maybe I'll get news about home, hope that everyone I know will be fine and wish for everything to be same. BUT don't want to stay here supervising.

I JUST want to go to never come back until I crave for my mom's lap.

BUT I am worried about what "they" say about staying away for so long from my husband, what "they" say about not still having children... "THEY" are slowly taking over my life to turn it into a life that resembled theirs... to reassure themselves in some sorts.

I JUST have to find courage to float again, and stay afloat.

I JUST want to live a life with a practical heart and a Romantic mind.

FEELIE FEELERS

2009-04-01T02:06:00.000-07:00

I feel a feel , a funny feel , a funny feel I feel, if you feel the feel I feel, is the feel you feel is what I feel?

Not so long ago everything was different, She was part of the world and the world was part of her. The dreams would make her smile, the peace brought by the slumber making her face glow, though she would get off the bed halfheartedly, reluctant to stop dreaming the beautiful dreams, she would stretch languidly and open her lazy eyes to the hasty day, smile after smile creasing her face, an indication of welcome to a new day. Of course there were always botherations of life, various bewilderments about living, stress and doubt of future all ganged up and waiting outside the door about to ring her doorbell, not far, STILL LIFE felt good.

Though the pressures of life still danced in her mind when the sight of pillows slept in... sheets thrown aside, and more than one empty coffee mug in the sink greeted her, she smiled

Peace.

NOW, EVERYTHING is different.

Now she gets up to a day that seems like pretty much same as any other day, similar rigmarole, same fan making asymmetrical patterns on the ceiling... same boring taste of the toothpaste, same scenes through the window... Everything around seems effortless and mind numbing...

A lizard chases its prey, gulps it down, "Yuck" escapes her lips and tears flow out... same pain, same emptiness. with a weightless Heart, she stops an other second to look at the trace of life that existed a minute ago... a splash of colour that's looking paler than black and white. fragrance from the garden only reminding the death used in the compost... Blue clouds making morbid patterns in the sky. flowers that sway in the cool breeze look teasingly unnatural and plastic. NOTHING TOUCHES HER... she is more infertile than a land that is abused and is promising to soon turn into desert dust.

She heads out making no eye contact with faceless People on the street... hissing out sighs each time random memories, and more random emotions run like reels in her head... times of tears and laughter, both spill onto her cheeks as big fat tears... leaving her feeling like an old abandoned coat, that's still hanging.

Everything around is frozen into a picture that needs dusting, her gaze always searching never focused, walk deliberate as if walking on a tight rope. smile mechanical eyes careful to hide their glassiness, she touches a new leaf, an intense desire to feel the beauty with her hungry fingers... NOTHING, JUST same numbness...and her heart beats on ... ache, amusement, pain, hilarity, sadness, joy, agony everything feels same NUMB.

A sudden shift of mood and it almost looks like things would change, smell of spring and something in her stirs causing her to smile, spreading it to her eyes... and second later she realises that she dare not dream, hope and dreams were bottled up and thrown away, she sees the whimsicality of it all... a short gasp escapes her from deep within her chest expelling the last traces of courage she had and she wakes up... shaking with an unknown fear, a fear of choice, a gripping dull prolonged pain, certain to loose someone... the day Continues... so does she.

There it was...

2009-03-31T08:05:00.000-07:00

A golden deer with green eyes,

I wanted to own it,

From where I stood it was perfection,

Deaf ear to a friend’s warnings

I began to run to capture the beauty…

The Chase was Incredible,

Deer looked like it wanted to be hunted down…

Enthusiasm on top gear

Sling tightened; arrows sharpened

Raised my bow with the arrow aimed…

Not knowing my arrow was a boomerang

I let go…

I have hurt the Deer, the Bowyer and the Fletcher

We all formed a throbbing circle,

Vicious and poisonous like a snake eating its own tail…

Spitting poison on itself; Hungry for more…

I was still standing there…

Poison slowing down my reflexes…

Not wanting to kill the Deer

Wanting to undo the pain

Wasn’t the deer hurt by the arrow?

Then how come my heart is bleeding?

I still see that Golden Deer standing there…

Mesmerizing me with its magic…

All I still see is Perfection…

What kind of a mirage is this?

The thirst feels real,

So does the quenched thirst.

Only; to be thirsty for more… and some more…

Deer’s face glowing

Reflecting the golden lights

Me dumbfound staring

In to the mirage that’s holding up like a mirror

Showing me images of what I can’t have,

What I should not desire

My most favorite moments

Haunting me down…

I thought I aimed the arrow at the deer

But the sharp end was turned to me.

I LOVE TO DANCE !!!

2009-03-30T06:40:00.000-07:00

I have restarted my Salsa classes...

I love to dance because it requires a calm mind and an absolute composed body. To move my body in front of many others needs me to quit so many inhibitions I had acquired as each year went by; and to now finally dance means to go back in time when what anyone thought didn't matter, and if they laughed at how I danced I could have laughed at it too...

Dance makes me stretch my body like elastic; and it calms my mind, I like being there. It makes me feel like a bird in flight, with my wings moving rhythmically going in the direction of sunset.

When I Dance I feel like I am dusting cobwebs accumulated in my head... and after that CLEANING, I resurface fresh as though I helped my brain to take a NAP, It feels like I have I have aligned everything in me to move in a particular way, totally in sync and perpendicular to OUTSIDE...

A new confidence in me... a new spring in my step... My new LOVE !!!

I dance and my body and mind become totally in accord with each to be part of everything around causing me to bond and then to strengthen that BOND.
I love to DANCE, as It makes me feel like a sexy peacock luring its potential mate, and it also makes me feel like a wet dog shaking water off its back.

I really ENJOY using the ONLY tool I have... MY BODY; and to teach it a language to express itself.

I learned KUCHIPUDI as a child, for a long time and All I remember of that is how my dance teacher would beat us so hard on our knees with a thick stick, so until very recently I associated learning to dance to fear and pain whereas now its quite the contrary as I have been super happy doing that every week-end, I have a partner who learns his steps really fast and then our pace matches so well, apart from that I am finally having the time to get to know a friend whom I have known (!!!) forever now. I enjoy our INTENSE conversations after the intense dancing. we are a crazy group of 4 with age group ranging from 22 24 27 and 30.

I JUST ENJOY DANCING... I love it...

It makes me identify with Ripples caused by a drop of a pebble in a pond, with my mom's beautifully patterned Sari pallu flying to the tunes of wind, with the bounce of my little nieces hair when let loose wild when she is jumping around, with the smile which dances casting lights in the eyes of a strange mad man when he sees me in the middle of the night, with well fed Lion cub's in the wild playing with their siblings, with possessive elephants at the time of a female elephant in labour, with my heartbeat thats quickened when I know the pleasure I'll receive from my lover... and Finally with myself.

Dance makes me understand myself... I recognise grace and awkwardness of my body; my strengths and my flaws... my demure and my confidence... all the contradictions that exists in me that manifest in my body are churned up and are made to surface by DANCE.