Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Recognizing the Unbefitting

However Self aware we are of our emotions… No one is beyond the first 6 basic emotions (Happiness Sadness Fear Anger Surprise and Disgust), and to me it was surprising to realize that LOVE and HATE are learnt or acquired emotions… along with Jealousy… deducing that it is possible for some Humans to lead a life free of some acquired emotions… Given a choice I would unlearn to be Jealous.
I cannot distance myself from the world around me, I strive to live harmoniously with all and it is beyond me to not be affected by how people around me act. I am unable to turn my brain off which constantly picks on signals off of people and I stop myself from acting on my compelling responses. It is easy to Hurt the person who always hurts you, EASY!!! Especially when we have a repertoire of justifications.
Humans (I like using that word “Humans” It helps me to distance myself from all that is human and see how Non-Humans or super humans would behave) have a natural tendency to ascribe meaning to all the experiences and then categorize them into GOOD EXPERIENCE and BAD EXPERIENCE and then HATE OR LIKE the people who caused those experiences… BUT is there a pattern in which we associate these experiences. The perception of these experiences real or projected from our previous learning’s rooted soo deep into us that we are unable to disassociate ourselves from these experiences? (When I start to think in these lines I feel like I am thousands of feet elevated above the ground and am ready to Jump off… with NO support at all… it is a proof that I am unable to keep my thoughts and emotions in separate compartments)
I wish to be a Non-Human and NOT REACT to people who deliberately go out of their way to be NASTY with me… but how many times will I be successful in doing so with people who are somehow entwined to my life? … This remains a 50 dollar question (as some said to me this morning).
I believe that every situation has the power to teach us about life because it is life’s way of exposing us to something unfamiliar, a lesson we overlooked...
However I think in a situation our responses become more and more programmed… I am used to getting scared of dark, a habit carried forth from childhood… I show my respects elders by touching their feet, action out of an osmosis I don’t analyse… I forgot the initial impressions of the experiences that evoke these emotions in me and in order to get to that, I have to peel off the, accumulated layers. (I am an onion now)
A crazy but fun experience of peeling away these layers to get to the original impressions to understand a larger story… To understand if the lion attacks the frightened or the attack causes the fright… To understand whether someone’s meanie behavior causes ill feelings in me or vice versa… IS IT THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG???
I still feel as confused as when I started to try and cast some light on these abstract feelings… The essence of all this churning still remains like the colour of summer sunset… Is it Bluish-Red? Bluish-Orange? Or Bluish-Yellow? And By the time I decipher… it is all grey…

Saturday, September 19, 2009

4th Floor...

Missing out on a smallest detail makes me feel super afflicted. The wretchedness of the whole scenario may seem so trivial. But to me I don't even know why it is important to be part of these small details of the person I love.

A lived on the 4th floor whole of last year and I didn't even know that, when I spoke to him on phone and skyped with him, the images I used to create in my head now feel so rueful,EMPTY, Just because of one small detail being out of place.

Maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill... BUT How I feel is how I feel. *SIGH*

Friday, September 4, 2009

Close to Friday Midnight's Philosophy...

The date for my Man to come back to India is closer, I am tensed, nervous; Memories I forgot are coming back to me. Some really fun ones and some not so fun ones. I have been soaring the skies like a lone eagle this last one year and now I am going to be in marriage again, marriage implying mostly all the relationships that come with him as a package. I could afford to be reckless while alone, and I began to like that side of me so much. I was always that, only now I had the chance to really let that ME live. I wish He likes what I have become now.

I feel Happy, But today I feel more sad, as He is leaving a lot behind and coming too... one year of relationships, very new home that became familiar to him over a year, some people He passed by and some people He lived with... No I am not being empathetic here... Just very afraid that I may not be able to replace all that for him, and now I feel very Burdened thinking I have to help him miss them with out hurting and not feeling a huge vacuum where He had made place for those left behind.

Dear God, Give us both Strength for us both to help each other... we are both going to meet each other as new us, very familiar with each other but very new. I hope the new Us still find love in each other and trust each other to proceed into future, "Till death does us apart" .