Friday, December 25, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
I like to walk in new streets, and to smile at strangers... I crave for a something, something better, something new... I want to meet those who will look at me curiously and have a string of questions. I want to respond to questions like where are you from? What do you eat there ? How do you like this ? or How do you do that ? God this desire now is almost Physical...
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
If words could ware off then the phrase "Home is where the heart is" will be so worn out, yet I would like to remember the phrase once again to remind me what HOME really is for us Human beings. (I wonder where Homo erectus before turning into Homo sapiens felt most at home... probably where his food went).
I understand that home can mean different things to different species and to us its not just a place where the basic needs are addressed. It is the place that sets a platform to our future growth, a foundation where we learn to understand our strengths and weaknesses along with being linked to our family. Home also implies food, language, weather, clothing, as well as geographical features such as mountains beaches volcanoes and many others my over crowded brain can't think of right now.
Both me and A are not so at Home in either of our parents houses because of the simple fact that we can't be ourselves to be able to let our guards down, and be totally accepted... Well anyways thats a whole different chapter, as the complexity of what Home with family is too dense.
Even though Home is where we feel like we belong, not constantly feel like an outsider is Home just a community we once lived in ??? or the country that is our dream destination ??? Or is it just that feeling we carry within ourselves??? is it always a place where you feel at Home ??? I feel a sense of belonging and at Home with people too... Will that feeling remain with me if I recreate same surroundings and take the same people I love with me and resettle in say for example US ???
I don't know...
World didn't remain a simple place to understand simple things and have simple choices. Law of nature is that we undergo transformations that may require us to uproot ourselves from the actual situation to migrate to live in different circumstances.
The shock of contradictions brought forth by the new place may push us into a state of discomfort questioning everything about the very foundations we may have come to depend on... But does it always mean that we are losing something ??? why can't it be relearning a different way to be ? Do things ?
an alternate answer to the same question... before we fashion new memories, acquire new friends and warm the new abode in order to feel at home, it is a necessary change to become like a tree that gives shelter for the birds to build their nests in, to become and be the home we search for... it is merely a matter of staying grounded and centered, allowing and recognizing that the pleasures we enjoyed in one place will still touch our hearts in another.
As Earth our bed Sky as the shelter and nature as our sibling, Home is Everywhere... Wherever we are... Home is a place that you can leave behind with a detachment of a bird and care of a man who hopes that the place left behind by us will protect an other needy.
I just wish that You make peace with yourself and your surroundings to feel at Home in India in America or even in Timbuktu.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I cannot distance myself from the world around me, I strive to live harmoniously with all and it is beyond me to not be affected by how people around me act. I am unable to turn my brain off which constantly picks on signals off of people and I stop myself from acting on my compelling responses. It is easy to Hurt the person who always hurts you, EASY!!! Especially when we have a repertoire of justifications.
Humans (I like using that word “Humans” It helps me to distance myself from all that is human and see how Non-Humans or super humans would behave) have a natural tendency to ascribe meaning to all the experiences and then categorize them into GOOD EXPERIENCE and BAD EXPERIENCE and then HATE OR LIKE the people who caused those experiences… BUT is there a pattern in which we associate these experiences. The perception of these experiences real or projected from our previous learning’s rooted soo deep into us that we are unable to disassociate ourselves from these experiences? (When I start to think in these lines I feel like I am thousands of feet elevated above the ground and am ready to Jump off… with NO support at all… it is a proof that I am unable to keep my thoughts and emotions in separate compartments)
I wish to be a Non-Human and NOT REACT to people who deliberately go out of their way to be NASTY with me… but how many times will I be successful in doing so with people who are somehow entwined to my life? … This remains a 50 dollar question (as some said to me this morning).
I believe that every situation has the power to teach us about life because it is life’s way of exposing us to something unfamiliar, a lesson we overlooked...
However I think in a situation our responses become more and more programmed… I am used to getting scared of dark, a habit carried forth from childhood… I show my respects elders by touching their feet, action out of an osmosis I don’t analyse… I forgot the initial impressions of the experiences that evoke these emotions in me and in order to get to that, I have to peel off the, accumulated layers. (I am an onion now)
A crazy but fun experience of peeling away these layers to get to the original impressions to understand a larger story… To understand if the lion attacks the frightened or the attack causes the fright… To understand whether someone’s meanie behavior causes ill feelings in me or vice versa… IS IT THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG???
I still feel as confused as when I started to try and cast some light on these abstract feelings… The essence of all this churning still remains like the colour of summer sunset… Is it Bluish-Red? Bluish-Orange? Or Bluish-Yellow? And By the time I decipher… it is all grey…
Saturday, September 19, 2009
A lived on the 4th floor whole of last year and I didn't even know that, when I spoke to him on phone and skyped with him, the images I used to create in my head now feel so rueful,EMPTY, Just because of one small detail being out of place.
Maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill... BUT How I feel is how I feel. *SIGH*
Friday, September 4, 2009
I feel Happy, But today I feel more sad, as He is leaving a lot behind and coming too... one year of relationships, very new home that became familiar to him over a year, some people He passed by and some people He lived with... No I am not being empathetic here... Just very afraid that I may not be able to replace all that for him, and now I feel very Burdened thinking I have to help him miss them with out hurting and not feeling a huge vacuum where He had made place for those left behind.
Dear God, Give us both Strength for us both to help each other... we are both going to meet each other as new us, very familiar with each other but very new. I hope the new Us still find love in each other and trust each other to proceed into future, "Till death does us apart" .
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Since human timetables quite often do not correspond with universal timetables, it’s common for people to feel that life is progressing too slowly or too quickly. We draft carefully composed plans only to find that they fall into place when we least expect. Or, conversely, we are thrust into roles we believe we are not prepared for and wonder how we will survive the demands imposed upon us by unfamiliar circumstances. When delays in our progress kindle pangs of disappointment within us or the pace of life seems overwhelming, peace can be found in the simple fact that we are exactly where we need to be at this moment.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Heard the hissing Sun take a dip in the sea,
Before relaxing in the lap of welcoming Earth,
The beauty of their distance, the illusion of their closeness…
They all live miles apart from each other,
My feelings are profoundly influencing the perception of reality.
A constant craving for distance and closeness…
Clouds bend down to touch the waiting trees
Causing Shadows; similar to
Days and nights that cause havoc in my head.
Illusions are real when you have a stubborn point to view,
And the earth meets the stars while
Rainbow holds hands with the moon;
When it rains in space.
Friday, July 24, 2009
I thought That was SOO COOL, Ran and swallowed some 3 or 4 seeds that night, and for a week I would put water to my feet and hope that The tree would grow out of me too... I checked everyday for the next week and Finally I decided to go check with my mom on the progress. and SHE JUST DIDN"T STOP LAUGHING.
I should also write about how much trouble I got into trying to make RUBBER with Pigeon Shit and goats Milk...
PS: I still wish I was a Tree That could fly far, and rooted DEEP.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
There is a saying in Telugu; “Adagandi Ammayinaa annam pettadu” (Even a mother doesn’t sense the hunger and serve the food if we don’t ask) even tho’ our protectors take pleasure in their roles yet cannot assist us without first being asked.
Since the origins of our sacred sentinels differ, we may choose whom we call upon for help based on the situation at hand, whether it’s about spirituality, health or emotional issues or plane human needs.
As the quote says God couldn’t be every where for ever body so He made Moms, But only guys in India remain with parents for the rest of their lives where as girls leave after the wedding and in Western countries girls and guys leave home at an young age and build a support system of their own…
However, in certain circumstances, particularly in which time we feel extremely vulnerable and when the world seems to be standing on the other side of the shore teasing us to swim upstream to catch up… we may feel the need for moral support, a kind word or just the combined presence will give us a sense of security that strengthens you and reminds you that you are never alone and giving us the strength of 10 elephants working on us thousand folds better than a blessed talisman..
I think though people around us are always ready to help us how easy is it for us to accept help and First and foremost ask for help in dangerous, chaotic, or confounding moments???
Asking for help does it make us feel small? No on the contrary… To understand the need for help and to seek it from some one who cares for us and in whom we trust and then to respect the fact that the person is willing to sit through the agonizingly slow process of giving us hand while we recuperate. Needs a lot of courage… It’s not so easy to give, but to ask and take is tougher, I think.
The roles of the supporters and the supported interchange; like when we were babies our Moms took care of us and when Moms get older we take care of them…
I wish the watchful guardians and the watched all the very best and a quick recovery from their emotional physical and spiritual short comings.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
A walk with out a purpose according to me is the best kind there could be... No where to go... Not to exercise no looking for an auto...
JUST A WALK... Its a beautiful experience.
Monday, July 13, 2009
These were the Thoughts That I went to bed with...
I wonder whether anything in my life will ever go right again. But Yesterday like any other bad day, was a gift. Having a bad day showed me that it is time to slow down, change course, or lighten up. Helped me to gather slowly and laboriously, bit by bit some wisdom I have overlooked or discounted. Yesterday certainly caused me to experience uncomfortable feelings I would prefer to avoid, yet it also gave me a potent means to learn about myself...
- I smile a lot and people find me easy to approach
- I am interested in people
- People are attracted to me, naturally
- I can get to know people really fast
- I can talk to anyone at their level.
- I am always in tune with reality
- I hate people who always ALWAYS find some one to blame.
- I know people who turn their backs on us will do it eventually.
- I get very easily angry but can apologise easily.
- I have a bad habit of keeping a count of how many times I excuse someone.
- I am very stubborn.
- I exercise mind flexibility and wish to stretch it to its full potential.
- I have a WISH and a WILL to better my life always.
Flexibility is the capacity to bend without breaking, as well as a continual willingness to change or be changed in order to accommodate new circumstances. I am attracted to such people with flexible minds, who are open to shifting their course when necessary or useful; some one who is not overly attached to things going the way they had planned is really My hero... This enables to anyone to take advantage of opportunities that a more rigid person would miss out on, making life a lot more fun. When we are flexible, we allow for situations we could not have planned, and so the world continues to surprise and delight us.
I think we are more in tune with reality when we are flexible. Being in tune enables us to adjust to the external environment and other people as they change and grow. When we are rigid or stuck in our ways, instead of adjusting to the world around us we hunker down, clinging to a concept of reality rather than reality itself. When we do this, we cut ourselves off from life, and we miss out on valuable opportunities, as well as a lot of joy.
So I promise myself that the way I create flexibility in my body by stretching physically, I am going to also create limberness in my mind by stretching mentally. Every day is a new day a new opportunity to exercise my flexibility.
- Implementing from Today on... I will avoid everyone and anyone who poses to be a friend/family or a well wisher So they can stay close enough to watch my misery and make me feel further guilty. I am the most important person to me... and what counts is MY happiness.
BUT will give yesterday an other chance.
- Will try with small things and in small ways.
- Take a different route from home to work
- Changing the exercise routine.
- Rearrange the furniture and redo a room.
- Will meditate in the morning.
- Won't be blind to the fact that each situation unfold into several different possibilities.
- I trust in life and its never been unfair to me.
- For how the next year will unfold makes me feel apprehensive exited and afraid, will welcome all the feelings with Open arms.
- I AM the channel as I do this making my mind more supple and open, when finally changes come my way I will accommodate and will flow with the new reality.
Monday, July 6, 2009
His skin fiery glossy reflecting the angry full moon light...
Hissing like a snake... He asked again...
WHY BUT why did you do that ???
Silence... NO words... Just bright loud moonlight... NO tears... Nothing.
The question resounding, each letter of the sentence flying in different directions to shatter against the walls cracking into thin sharp weapons to bounce back at her, tearing into her... leaving many tiny scratches on her...
Still the thick silence mocking him... instigating his anger to mount... "Tell me, why did you do it???"
She raised her eyes to look at him... silenced by the brilliance that stood in front of her... A man burning in his own anger... He is melting from inside and burnt flesh is oozing flowing down to form a puddle at his feet...
The coals he chose to swallow for an inexplicable reason... Burning him inside... making his insides glow a golden red like a Halloween Pumpkin...
Why did you do that ??? The words blew out of him like flames... now burning her, hurting her into a state of stubborn Silence...
Her lips closed tighter now... No words
Eyes still dry... No tears
Screaming Moonlight invaded the room... window accepted defeat, So did he... Burning up in flames...
His Ashes scattered by the wind... raised up and onto her... taking refuge in her torn and burnt skin...
"I want to be with you, please love me... I don't care what you did and why you did it..." a loud whisper screaming from zillions of tiny voices moved her.... in to FAT WET TEARS... She looked around for him... to confess... BUT where was he ?
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
A slight drizzle and a man running towards me... or away from me...
His cycle magically floating next to him...
Every time the peddle rotates to strike chord E, a cycle that's also an acoustic guitar...
What does my dream mean ??? DO dreams actually say something to me ??? or are they just plane jumbled thoughts manifested into images ???
I am on a Dream marathon...
Friday, June 26, 2009
I don't remember how we met But remember to thank god that we met...
I remember how you made me a news paper cutting of all the crazy events that happened in the year we met and gave to it me on our first anniversary...
I remember how you introduced me to the man of my life and How you were there for me every time I needed you...
All My birthdays You made them special with little surprise parties :) your cakes and such thoughtful presents; I love the kajal box with all my heart :)
I feel so small today that ALL I COULD DO today is miss you real BAD and yearn for your company, Miss your warm hugs Miss seeing you heave those long sighs after you hug me...
I wish You a great GREAT BIRTHDAY, and I pray to god That your each year becomes richer and Richer with every passing year, I wish you make more friends See more places go through intense metamorphism lots and lots of introspection, and walk back into my house with them to enrichen me as you have always with the experiences with a dash of your own perspective to it.
I am such a selfish person that on your birthday I pray to god for me... To reduce the distance between us and to keep you in my life forever. I pray to God that he brings me smiles when I look at the happy life you lead...
:D I love you P... and I thank God, the nature and the source that brought you into this world to brighten My life :D Ummmmaaahhhh
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I think a man who experienced peace in his privacy uses any tool even be it a gun as a means to achieve what he knows is possible... thus becoming not just more an efficient soldier but also more dangerous than any terrorist who never knows the glory of peace.
I had so much fun today going out with 3 A's and an N and an other L ... Girls Just had Fun. We danced our butts on a Karaoke night :D What fun :)
Friday, June 19, 2009
A perpetual smile causing a Pink rainbow on his face...
When He touches my heart; my soul and my body He rains a pearl drop at a time...
His being ablaze with the thoughts about here to eternity...
His shimmering arrogance...
His third eye invisible to the commoner...
His silvery confidence...
Worldly questions creasing his moon like brows...
I met my Shiva...
Boosting My confidence even Shiva is not perfect
The beauty of imperfection...
The luck in coincidence...
All and nothing at the same time... Promises of nothing to cause the happiness to peak.
I met Shiva this morning... a dream I experience and an experience I dreamt of...
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Here I am sitting and typing to myself, after a super long day filled with beautiful people, intense rush...
My heart feels so full yet there is a spot that feels emptier than before... tears trickle down my smiling cheeks.
Clouded by the overwhelming Gratitude, even though there is a huge pit in my heart drawing more and more tears; missing those beautiful hugs and kisses...
What can I say about the disappointment that there is no one I can offer coffee to tomorrow morning but myself, my nose wrinkling up thinking how tasteless it could feel...
Thursday, May 28, 2009
The experience was brilliant with the audience singing along loudly with full enthu for a second show film... ( maybe its a strategy that they came up with to not fall asleep)
Raj kapoor was getting to me with his COPY CAT STYLE... it was like watching a 3rd rate street imitation of Charlie Chaplin.
I think Indian movie-makers just aim the actual audience and never consider future audience. A movie made in 1975 when watched in the 2009, it should still be able to offer something to the audience.
Where as with some of Indian films (specially Hindi ones... as most Telugu movies made before 80's had either mythological or family stories.) half the time I was irritated with the fake 3rd rate charlie.
It makes me wonder what the film-makers thought of the audience. Hollywood offered in Indi style... Tsk tsk...
and yet such brilliant lyrics... "dil ka haal sune dil wala" wah wah...
Not that copying doesn't happen now and not that southies don't... it happens every where and It is a big shame... specially coz we have soo many stories to tell from our own back yard.
and continuing on...
Did you ever think of voyeurism ??? I think everyone is a Voyeur at some level to a certain degree. Curiosity taken to an other level.
I irritate myself by Say things that I don't mean and not saying things I mean out of fear of "I don't know"
The former happens because it will get you some advantage? WHAT ADVANTAGE "I don't know" and the Latter because of some disadvantage... AGAIN, some unknown name less fear gripping us...
Lately with my severe introspection, I am discovering traits that I am ashamed of and irritated with in others.
Today I have been doing that a lot, with H. I don't feel the way he wants me to feel, but I just say these things, and then I cringe... I cringe inside deeply because I am being fake..and false, and not true to my honest feelings...
I don't like to be Rude with people and HATE Hurting people's feelings in any which way, but it feels strange to desire to Please... Its a horrible HORRIBLE FEELING.
Yet I am afraid of throwing that mask away. Afraid what I may expose to the world.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
I don't even know myself anymore.
I think it might be a good thing, and not a bad thing. I look back through my journal, and I slowly see this change. I feel like I am waking up a very different Person...
I eat too much some days and too less on some others... I am just tired of telling myself about the importance of following a routine as far as food is concerned, BUT my head and heart take turns to rule my days and I just let them.
The weather is confusing, now rain and now sun shine... BUT the summer rain is more than welcome... and my plants look happy and one of them even gave me a surprise by flowering... didn't know it was a flowering type...
Love these little surprises... like my parents visit on Sunday. I just love it when they visit me ...
Every one should walk half way to meet in a relationship, it is tiring to do the full lap all alone... It feels like the other doesn't care enough...
*SIGH* some times it pains to think that my parents in law didn't visit me even once from the time B left. Maybe they don't care enough, or maybe just too caught up.
I looked in the mirror and was amased at what I saw... skin around my nose is peeling again, result of the Sunday swim and last nights exposure to the cool breeze...
I sat with my furry companion in the balcony and noticed she has a tiny growth on her nose... I get very scared and begin to imagine the worst... have to take her to the vet tomorrow.
Last night's sleep was filled with dreams... I dreamt of my first room-mate, a friend called Aditya, about Pepz's strange growth...
I keep thinking of why I love the people I love, some don't even care for it, and some others don't need me to love them...
I scribbled off all the thoughts passing through my head now in this super drowsy head and stuffed belly.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Desiderius Erasmus Roterodamus
I freshened up and set out for a walk, The night was beautiful and everything was freshly washed by the rain in the evening... The smell of wet mud was pushing me back in to my past and I was flipping my mental album, places and people were dominantly present in them, The experiences I shared with them, the emotions they evoked in me had me gripped in the past I began to miss some of my dear friends, my friends from School; my friend in high school through college, My colony friends in marredpally, then teenage friends and friends I hung out when I did some plays or a brief trek or a work shop or many many many such... SIGH
I read some where that we meet people for a reason a season and a lifetime... It is beyond choice, we are just attracted to that person because or in spite of what we think.
Every person that passes through our lives makes a contribution to our autobiographies. There are those who play large roles and make deep impressions, becoming full chapters of our autobiographies, but sometimes a brief special appearance worth mentioning in a page, before life takes them in another direction and yet they create a meaningful connection with us.
The world is full of more people we get more interested in them than the ones we already know, I strongly believe that we are often drawn to people with similar energy, which brings us together time and time again.
When we meet a person it is as if we have known him all our lives we shared similar life stories or lived just around the corner from each other but never met until now... That is fate bringing these people into our lives, there is always a reason.
They probably are here to pass on a message, to remind us of a part of ourselves we have forgotten to nurture. They might appear to give us a chance to react in a new way to an old situation. They may even bring up unresolved issues so that we may complete them, giving us the chance to move forward on our life path. They may never know what they bring into our lives, but the contact is a gift.
I had a strong urge to not just take up a old habit of walking in the quiet of the night but also to seek out my old friends. I went to bed with all these thoughts buzzing in my head and I dreamt of my dear friend Jaisi from high school, she named her daughter Vishnu, she loves me that much... Then how come I am unable to get back in touch... I don't know.
I associate some places with some people and all my plants are called by my friends names... My closest friends are in my bed room where as the rest of them are all in the rest of the house.
I don't know what these dreams mean But I know I am being given a message by the nature to rekindle my old relationships to use their appearance as an excuse to get in touch. to reach out to share the gift of renewed contact. I know that this circle of connection and reconnection, will surely make me look beyond the surprise of the moment to enjoy the deeper gift that this revelation brings.
All those dear ones are here for a reason and their names are engraved in my memory for a lifetime.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
When I moved in to this apartment I brought the green soul into existence in a broken cup, a bucket and wine bottle, the plant in the bucket died on me; I cried, and I still feel sad that I neglected that baby... I don't know what happened.
You know I came to understand that there is a single soul that lives in all the plants, but has many hearts. Think in every house that has plants this green soul exists. I would always encourage my friends to have plants, I gifted my friend Leena a plant and she now has about 30 pots of various plants. That is what this soul does, it comes and multiplies it self as it wants more and more of the attention we can give it.
The green soul shows its affection to me by originating a new leaf in one of the plants. Or by sprouting roots on a plant that is completely dried up...
I have planted myself happiness in my balcony. I offer my prayers by serving the plants. they are my silver thread to the nature. Sometimes they help me symbolize the meaning of life and death, The harmony of relationships. The green soul teaches me lessons through its many forms... the slow but steady growth of Bamboos, the "take it easy at times" attitude of certain bulbs in winters, and How some Annuals broadcast seeds before they completely perish... there is a lesson in every pot, plant and leaf, in the difference one living thing, plant or person, can make, and how their presence resonates long after they're gone is a big lesson to me.
To tune into the divine timing of the gardening, is a form of meditation. Green soul resides with me.
Says CALVIN... I am so like him.
Monday, May 11, 2009
My assistant, Oh my GOD !!! if you knew the feeling of arriving at a junction hurriedly and the traffic light turning from green to orange... you know she is always in that mode, always rushing, its fun to watch her eat Ice cream. she is good at what she does, I am great full for what she does for me, yet, with her little girlie squeaky voice, and the traffic signal attitude is too much to handle when I am sleep deprived, and she really can bring out the lurking killer in me every night shift. Her unlimited enthusiasm to teach me to write Tamil and for me to correct her French makes me want to unsubscribe.
And to come back to this every night , after laying in the bed waiting to fall into a deep dark hole, a state of REM where no one hurts, remains only a dream, with the back drenched in sweat, Pepsi's bell in her neck ringing as she wanders around the house , door bell ringing, friends buzzing sms to make plans, Pepsi's barking, maid cleaning; All of that seems like TORTURE.
Nothing is in my control.
when you work at a certain level in a company its expected that you write your life off. well I did, in a way... I work close to 15 hours some times.
To write one's life off is easy BUT to write one's sleep off ???
You must have already noticed that my mind just didn't wander off but totally left me...
Well all thanks to the shift that changed again, and am going through the same wretchedness taking me over as I didn't sleep enough neither on Saturday nor yesterday... the beautiful lunch and the hot ride up to work and the relief welcome softness of my chair, all this is making me Yawn and stretch making me ignore the usual 30,000,000,000,000,000 pages document I have to translate and to my fuzzy head it feels like a pile that's ever growing like mount Everest,
I have done 3 training sessions, and I had to constantly keep my temper in check, as any tiny thing which I normally won't even notice is triggering me off. My patience is wearing off.
My sleepless brain is looking at life through the magnifying glass blowing up the daemons under my bed. Well the side effects of sleep deprivation, eyes are ready to shut down anytime I allow them to. But the pressure of work where I have to divert my attention to do something else in order to not fall asleep, My body is unsteady.
GOD I just can give up everything for my sleep... I saw in a film how the police tortures the bad guy by not letting him sleep, he is given everything, food, water, bath, clean clothes BUT NO SLEEP...
If I were that interrogated prisoner, I would have given up all else for the sole desire of SLEEPING.
I now understand the look of bliss on the destitute s on the street even when their bodies are exposed to the world but they are enjoying absolute privacy behind their shut lids, cocooned in a world that is very VERY private.
I look at them longingly as I have experienced this desire and I can assure you not hunger or even thirst are comparable to SLEEP.
woes of a Diurnal eyeritated creature.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
A hard hand touched my left "stuff" a guy walking past me with his buddy took advantage of my being lost... he looked back to see my reactions, I stood there still frozen for a second, Then something came over me... DON'T KNOW what it was, BUT I ran behind to get him, picked a stone and hurled at him... my aim is not always great but some how this time it hit him... I FELT GOOD... VERY VERY GOOD. He was walking off faster and I yelled saying "stop him" a couple coming down that road on a bike stopped him and I RAN UP TO HIM. His companion abandoned him and vanished into one of the dark alleys.
All Alone his face pale, he must be 30, he was trembling like me... I slapped him first and pushed him down and kicked him again... I was getting more and more angry...SO MUCH VIOLENCE IN ME... God!!! I kicked him again...The by standing lady understood the situation and started yelling at him abusing him, guess she was using him as the object to get back to all those who tormented her in the past.
I was still burning where he had touched me earlier memories that I buried from the time I started to show signs of womanhood were buzzing out of the coffin and that was making me more and more ANGRY. I kept saying I'll kill you bastard if you ever touch AN OTHER WOMAN again. I kicked him again, with audience around me I was becoming more and more a MOB and I kicked where it hurts the most for guys. It FELT GOOD to hurt him.
It was time for me to calm down... I should not kill some one for touching me.. JUST TEACH HIM A STRONG ENOUGH LESSON... BUT WHY DID I WANT TO KILL HIM... I WAS ENRAGED. Thank god for the people around that he is alive.
I kicked him again in his face, for all my friends who got spat on by pan or were touched and every women who silently learnt to hunch to hide away from the street predators.
Its not the first time this happened to me, it happened to me a hundred times before... it happened in the darkness of the theaters in the crowded bazars, It feels like a mini rape, NOT PUNISHABLE BY THE LAW, SO IT is ENCOURAGING TO THESE SNEAKY SON OF BASKETS.
I have hit guys before; to be precise twice before...
BUT this evening I felt really really HURT that it just continues to be SAME in spite of the development around us, in spite of the MNC's and international exposure... and the screaming MEDIA about woman's liberation and all that.
I got very late to work... and couldn't give the reason for me being late. HEAVY WITH SHAME !!!
I sit here feeling a huge DISAPPOINTMENT.
I don't know HOW TO STOP THESE GUYS from being mini rapists... I don't even know how to stop the auto guys who set their rear view mirrors to see my face and touch themselves, The medical shop guy, The water guy... I just feel like Punching them all in the face, and give them a bonus punch if they say anything about MY DRESSING BEING PROVOCATIVE... wish there was some way to show you all what I was wearing today. A PLANE SALWAR KAMEEZ with a DUPATTA that can cover 3 women.
I will hit all the guys who touch whats mine and mine alone with out MY permission. EVERY TIME. My Body is not the street wall that anyone can touch.
ITS A PROMISE TO MYSELF, GOD FORBID IF I SEE THIS HAPPEN AGAIN, NOT JUST TO ME BUT TO ANY WOMAN I'LL KILL THE GUY.
I love this quote !!!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
I Love my dog, I love to cook, I enjoy watching Movies... I watch at least 2 films a day. I don't have TV and don't ever Intend to have one. I don't like to tell people about My age.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
THEY DON'T HINDER MY CONFIDENCE...
BUT THEY CAN'T BE IGNORED AS THEY POP OUT ONCE IN A WHILE TO REMIND ME...
'HERE WE ARE... EVEN WE INSPITE OF BEING WEAK CAN HUMBLE YOU, BUT YOUR CONFIDENCE IS YOUR ENEMY DON'T TRUST IT, IT LETS YOU DOWN WHEN YOU MOST NEED IT.'
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Their dull appearance is part of their scheme.
I know of their plans. I know their techniques.
My parents are outer space alien freaks!
They landed on earth in spaceships humongous.
Posing as grownups, they now walk among us.
My parents deny this, but I know the truth.
They're here to enslave me and spoil my youth.
Early each morning, as the sun rises,
Mom and dad put on their earthling disguises.
I knew right away their masks weren't legit.
Their faces are lined - they sag and don't fit.
The earth's gravity makes them sluggish and slow.
They say not to run, wherever I go.
They live by the clock. They're slaves to routines.
They work the year 'round. They're almost machines.
They deny that TV and fried food have much worth.
They cannot be human. They're not of this earth.
I cannot escape their alien gaze,
And they're warping my mind with their alien ways.
For sinister plots, this one is a gem.
They're bringing me up to turn me into them!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I LOVE IT WHEN CALVIN GOES IN AND COMES OUT AS KUTTI TIGER... GOD HE IS SO UMMAAAAAAABLE. AND WHEN HE GOES FOR SWIMMING LESSONS IN SCHOOL AND WHEN TOLD ABOUT DEAD MAN FLOAT HE JUST SCREAMS HIS GUTS OUT.
I HAD SIMILAR REACTION WHEN TOLD ABOUT THE DEAD MAN'S FLOAT. I IDENTIFY WITH CALVIN BANG ON. CALVIN MAKES ME FEEL THAT THE PROBLEMS I GO THROUGH ARE SHARED BY SOME ONE ELSE, AND THAT GIVES ME A STRANGE STRENGTH. I TAKE SOLACE IN THE FACT THAT I RELATE TO CALVIN AND HOBBES AND AM NOT ALONE THINKING ABOUT HOW HORRIBLE SOMETHINGS AROUND ME ARE.
YOU KNOW TODAY I ALSO REALISED THAT ALL CALVIN AND HOBBES STRIPS WERE WRITTEN IN ALL-CAPS.
Well Its super funny to watch on T.V; But to watch some thing like that in real life happen to some one in close proximity to you is NOT A BIT FUNNY. Already In some families there preferences like a boy or a girl, dark or fair, thin or plump, slow or intelligent.
I really can't understand how parents do that to their own children, can you imagine what the child must go through silently by himself, he may not actually realise as elaborately on how he is being treated unequally but it will certainly reflect in his relation with his sibling and how he could perform in school, outside with friends. causing parents to further dislike him... Thus they get caught in the vicious circle.
The one being treated like the "APPLE OF THE EYE" will become more and more over confident and the other will become more and more Under confident and What parents can never realise is that they will both Suffer.
I am witnessing this everyday in my building and don't understand how to explain it to the parents. Both their children are unique in their own way, already its not fair to compare them constantly it is a BIG BIG SIN more over kiss hug over indulge one child and cuss the other one out is DISGUSTING. ITS HORRIBLE. sometimes I see how one of the child looks hungrily for some of the hugs that her sibling gets and can't ask because of some fear, is SAD.
I wish Parents can understand that it is a way of conditioning the child to think that he doesn't deserve the good things in life or be timid and inexpressive in life, THIS IS HORRIBLE.
I am just getting carried away and taking this personally. I am very HURT right now. and I am empathetic to that child.
After thoughts : Its also funny to read calvin say that he is glad that he doesn't have siblings coz he doesn't want to be a killer...
JUST A QUESTION... WHY DO PARENTS DO THIS ??? WEREN'T THEY ONCE CHILDREN WHO SUFFERED THIS ???
Thursday, April 16, 2009
GOD I love Bill waterson soo much. I was thinking of him so much coz of what has been happening at work and today with elections...
CALVIN mirrors the society around us so wonderfully and it is hilarious in the comic strip but can you imagine how unbearable he can be and at the other times how wonderful he is.
I just keep thinking of Calvin as a real person.
Monday, April 13, 2009
I had it closed with my fingers entwined almost suffocating it... BUT now I sing to it saying "Go my dear fly fly fly away, here I open my palms and my heart... take all the colours away WITH YOU...
How boring are all the colours you had flashing at me... My life in Black and white is more interesting.
I say my last goodbyes to you... and blow the last trace of colour you left on my palms... AND saw the plainness of my hands glint back at me.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
My support system in place, all well engineered to imitate the times of pleasure. They know why I go to them, so They make me laugh, hug me and show me how special I am...
I am reminded of something, someone, and I look over my shoulder, I felt you standing behind me.
AND a dark shadow marred my smile.
THEY make me look forward to my week-ends... I have them packed so I have no time to miss you, at the end of a tired day, I sigh my tears out and sleep.
I still don't remember if you murmured A good bye or a See you again to me, was lost in that Half Hug. I sigh again, no more supply of tears... STILL busy picking up those shattered pieces of my heart, and SMILE.
I love the beauty of BROKEN hearts and I made friends with Misery, Funny Misery gave up on me too and I LAUGH SO loud.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Its a simple game, everyone stands in a circle with one person in between, this person is like the bottle in "SPIN THE BOTTLE", where he turns with an out stretched hand and closed eyes while I (in charge of the game counts) and stops turning when I stop counting. who ever the bottle person points everyone in the circle has to tell the first thing that occurs to us about the person. So after the game was over they wanted me to participate as they wanted to tell me somethings they notice about me. and here are some real FUNNY things THAT I wouldn't ever have noticed about myself...
1. I always TALK as if am teaching.
2. That I have funny obsession with lip gloss.
3. I walk extremely gracefully when I wear salwar kameez or sari and skip hop dance-walk when I wear jeans.
4. When I am angry I talk so low that I almost whisper.. ( I don't know which one of them were at the receiving end of my ANGER... I AM SO ASHAMED for that AND I apologised)
5. I smile and laugh out loud when working ( ahem ahem... that's when I am chatting with my friends) and I knew I laughed loud, BUT didn't know I smiled too.
6. WHEN I make EYE contact with out smiling THEY are scared. ( I never thought of myself as some one scary... in fact I keep thinking I should be a LITTLE more stern)
7. I always match all my accessories... ( I used to pay a lot of attention to my dressing when in college now its just become mechanical and I like that they notice it. )
8. I talk to everyone at work, including the house keeping staff and the security staff. ( some of my seniors actually find it offensive that I prefer to speak to security and house keeping staff and not them. ) THAT IS An interesting snippet about me.
9. When I ask for something ( like bring a bottle of water from outside) my voice becomes like a little child's.
10. I remember a LOT of their personal details. ( I really didn't think I did, BUT I am happy that I can cover up so smoothly.
11. After I got my head shaved I touch my hair/head too much. (I gotta stop doing that. I am sometimes self conscious now.)
SOMETHING that they don't know and I knew this morning is that IF not for my team I would hate working here. THEY are JUST amazing bunch of engineers, very unexposed to the world outside and so are impressed by someone as simple as me. THEY should rightfully be doing graduation and not working. the eldest with 6 years of work experience is 24. I find it UNJUST.
SIGH SIGH SPIDER