FEELIE FEELERS

I feel a feel , a funny feel , a funny feel I feel, if you feel the feel I feel, is the feel you feel is what I feel?

Not so long ago everything was different, She was part of the world and the world was part of her. The dreams would make her smile, the peace brought by the slumber making her face glow, though she would get off the bed halfheartedly, reluctant to stop dreaming the beautiful dreams, she would stretch languidly and open her lazy eyes to the hasty day, smile after smile creasing her face, an indication of welcome to a new day. Of course there were always botherations of life, various bewilderments about living, stress and doubt of future all ganged up and waiting outside the door about to ring her doorbell, not far, STILL LIFE felt good.

Though the pressures of life still danced in her mind when the sight of pillows slept in... sheets thrown aside, and more than one empty coffee mug in the sink greeted her, she smiled

Peace.

NOW, EVERYTHING is different.

Now she gets up to a day that seems like pretty much same as any other day, similar rigmarole, same fan making asymmetrical patterns on the ceiling... same boring taste of the toothpaste, same scenes through the window... Everything around seems effortless and mind numbing...

A lizard chases its prey, gulps it down, "Yuck" escapes her lips and tears flow out... same pain, same emptiness. with a weightless Heart, she stops an other second to look at the trace of life that existed a minute ago... a splash of colour that's looking paler than black and white. fragrance from the garden only reminding the death used in the compost... Blue clouds making morbid patterns in the sky. flowers that sway in the cool breeze look teasingly unnatural and plastic. NOTHING TOUCHES HER... she is more infertile than a land that is abused and is promising to soon turn into desert dust.

She heads out making no eye contact with faceless People on the street... hissing out sighs each time random memories, and more random emotions run like reels in her head... times of tears and laughter, both spill onto her cheeks as big fat tears... leaving her feeling like an old abandoned coat, that's still hanging.

Everything around is frozen into a picture that needs dusting, her gaze always searching never focused, walk deliberate as if walking on a tight rope. smile mechanical eyes careful to hide their glassiness, she touches a new leaf, an intense desire to feel the beauty with her hungry fingers... NOTHING, JUST same numbness...and her heart beats on ... ache, amusement, pain, hilarity, sadness, joy, agony everything feels same NUMB.

A sudden shift of mood and it almost looks like things would change, smell of spring and something in her stirs causing her to smile, spreading it to her eyes... and second later she realises that she dare not dream, hope and dreams were bottled up and thrown away, she sees the whimsicality of it all... a short gasp escapes her from deep within her chest expelling the last traces of courage she had and she wakes up... shaking with an unknown fear, a fear of choice, a gripping dull prolonged pain, certain to loose someone... the day Continues... so does she.