Jesus Save Them

An Unfocused Picture taken on the Eve of X mas, Two Kiddos trying to Light up their stars by stealing the electricity from the wires passing over their house. Sigh It happens ONLY in India

Discovered Vijayawada; Now Back in Hyderabad !!!

On Sunday the 29th.

3 :55 PM Run all the way to the 10th platform, to learn that the train was delayed by 20 minutes, BUT Errr NO it came 40 minutes late. Well, somethings the westerners will tease us eternally about. I was just deaf to all the comments that followed.

Took an AC couch back to Hyderabad from Vijayawada which resembled nothing less to a general compartment, I was a lot more aware of burping uncles, the tobacco smells, chips packets thrown under the seat (coz under the seat it is safe ???) crying babies, specially coz of the company I was in aswell, maybe if it were all Indians with me, I would have felt less nauseous (???) all through the trip controlled the urge to puke, and no way I could have gotten out of the compartment to get fresh air as both sides were filled with standing passengers whose seats were not confirmed. Shared 2 seats between 3 people...

I just don't remember the last 2 hours of the ride, and spent the last 5 agonising minutes with people banging there bags against me... with the smell of pits of sticky aunties and stinky loo's.

Got back home, Mom is Happy, Pythogorianne runs fever !!!

Stepped out of the station and looked for the Auto guys, NO Ma'am out of Luck, Aaj tho Bandh hai, My luck took an "off" Finally find an auto guy after 20 minutes of standing there with my heavy back pack, and heavier hand-bag filled with laptop and papers from the research. Agreed to pay him 90/- to go to west marredpally first So I could pick my Dog up and then to east marredpally (Auto Guy keeps the 100 note I offered, Penalty That I didn't mention Mahindrahills. Glad to be back Home. Pepsi too.

But After a real good night's sleep, I woke up at 5 am like I was doing all the 10 days while I was in Vijayawada, and when I realised I had nothing lined up, no taking care of the logistics, no Interpretations, no endless spread sheets, No Emily (she is the best person to work with So focused and Just so very well planned) No one looking lost because I was on phone with my Dad, I felt pretty weak, and super unproductive.

So to resume my trip to you guys,

20th Nov: Mom woke me up at 5 and pushed me through the 40 minutes coz the train was at 6:05, She walked me down and it was still super dark, chilly, and NOTHING ON THE STREETS, NO AUTOS, and I live in Mahindrahills a place where it is difficult to find autos at 9 am on Monday's for a decent fare. And There was the messenger from Allah, My Musalman brother from the 1st floor, starting his bike, I wouldn't even have thought about it, but Mom just asked him as soon as he came out of the gate "please Bhayya auto tuk chod do" and He went to a mosque close to the railway station, dropped me at the mosque, and said " Happy journey" That was the only exchange of words between us. (I was filled with a new respect for my 1st floor brother, Only I am leaving this place in less than a month, sad isn't it?)

I get on train at 6:04 and it moves, Emily looked super RED, I knew why. The train ride (it seems to me now) went very fast with my naps, transmission (Hari Kunzru's) and chats with Emily + our exchange of notes on what is to be done.

1:00pm We get off on Vijayawada station, With the Board "HYDERABADI BIRYANI" welcoming us. I call the regional Manager to inform we arrived, he only speaks Telugu along with every one else we met through the course of our stay in Vijayawada, even those who entertained us, So all communication had to pass through me, I liked it, and I was more sure then that the Translation and Interpretation is the field I would love to work with the occasional dash of teaching and script writing or adventure sports instructing or film buffing or traveloguing or science fiction criticizing... (wait My list is endless sorry I used the word "SURE" too hastily)

1:15 The regional manager arrives and BOOM, The Boombastic schedule takes over.

The pattern of the day remained the same through out the visit "Branch visits, interviews with the staff, and then meeting the clients to interview them. Breakfasts Lunches Walks Tete a Tete's Shoppings and 2 movies found their place in between the super packed schedules.

With Me visiting various villages in Krishna district, I feel lucky now that I got to see my state so well, It is indeed a Beautiful place. I prayed to Mangalgiri Narsimha swamy to bless my family, and Everyone I know or have met even if it was for 5 minutes in my life. I went to Hanuman Junction, I thought the Hanuman there looked so primeval in a statue made of all silver, longest tail and best of all curly black hair. Hanuman was just reminding me of My Dad Ashwin and Gopi. Strangely that night I had a dream with Thatha and Hanuman. Maybe that was Hanuman's way of reminding me "hey look who you haven't thought of in a while".

Amidst my 5am to 7am or 8pm schedules, I managed to visit Kanaka Durga in Vijayawada. The weavers in Mangalgiri and Pedana, fish auctioning in fish market Machilipatnam; 6km walks on the treadmill combined with ab exercises... I just have soooo much more to write here, BUT I just will tell you more in person, Consider this a preview to my HIGH DECIBEL NARRATION of what I experienced.

You are my pillars of Support, No matter how far or close you are living now physically I love you all The MOST. I just want to tell you that I am learning the term "unconditional" from Pepsi. I adhere to exercise that.

PS: That last bit got way too senti than I wanted it, maybe coz I am running High fever (??)

Arya-2 a True Tribute to MJ

Yesterday I watched Arya-2, An experience of watching it in Vijayawada heightened the feel of the movie 3 folds more.

Saturday Night show, in a small theater called Jai hind with a brilliant seating capacity, the fans fixed on the walls beside oscillating with the same super enthusiasm as Allu Arjun's fans. A good Telugu film in a Telugu dominant city (where even Muslims or Christian's speak Pure Telugu unlike in Hyderabad where we can tell apart the religion of a certain person with the language he speaks) was an awesome experience.

The whistles just wouldn't stop through the songs. Impromptu applauds for Bunny man's moon walking as a tribute to MJ. I appreciate the many variations that the choreographers came up with moon-walking as base. Ohh MAN, I really enjoyed the dance and the raunchy song ringa ringa with a western lady clad in Indian vestments...

I was never a great fan of Allu, but with Arya-2, I turn myself in, I SAY Way to GO Bunny man, You kick ass.

Day 4 of the Field visits

Day 1 : Mylavaram

Day 2 : Ibrahimpatnam

Day Free : Sunday... Visit to Mangalagiri narsimha swamy Temple and Visit to the mangalagiri cotton Looms

Day 3 : 2 Local branches in Vijayawada

Day 4 : Visit to Machilipatnam Branch, Visit to the beautiful beach after the interview, Sighting the fishermen empty their nets and auctioning the fish.

Lunch at RK, inquiry about the Kalamkari and back to Spandana office for a brief interview with the CA's. Drive to Padena and visit the whole sale shop from where Dastakar Andhra gets its supply to sell in retail. and The grand great visit to the work shops to witness the amazing manufactering of the clothes from when they are threads.

Lilac time travel

So Here I am in Vijayawada, I visited 2 villages Mylawaram and Ibrahim patnam so far, This place is just 6 hours by train but it feels like time travel into 1996, There is just one major road MG Road, that is close to comparable to SD Road or SP Road in Hyderabad, but all the other places remain to be developped.

When I was taking this project up, with MIT and was told about villages, I expected to travel miles through a CITY every day in order to get to a village, But it is quite the contrary, 12 to 30 KM radius in all directions from Vijayawada there are soo many villages.

I am going to Mangalagiri tomorrow to see panakala narsimha swamy and cotton weavers and their shops tomorrow. That is my plan.

Shaking the Tail feathers...

I have been working on some translations for center for micro finance, and was so thrilled to discover various aspects that are involved when working with a translation from English to Telugu.

First off it is a survey that requires a lot of research on the terms, and second off the names that involve the translation are of some really interesting people working in the field, like Rachel Glennerster.

My previous work of translation involved Telugu to English and that was easy as I could just use my own net-book to work, but Telugu meant finding a reliable DTP person, Of which I had zero knowledge as to how it worked, So I finished translating a 80+30 page translation and took my piece of translation to a DTP guy after asking a friend where to find them. I though it would take an hour to type the Document out in Telugu, so I tell my client, That the document will be submitted that evening.

I go away happily having lunch with my mom and gala-wanting. I go at the time the document was promised to be DTP'ed and delivered... and what I see there is a HORROR, Just a single page done and the cursor was blinking at me. I ask him about what he can actually deliver and he says "Tomorrow come and get it by 12 30" A HUGE doubt packed with an apprehension takes over me and I call my client and tell her that I need more time.

Next day with a new hope I get to the DTP at 11 30, hoping to see him do my last pages... BUT what I see there instead is HORROR number 2, The DTP bacha (kid) was not there and the owner of the shop sipping on his tea and gives me a look that read "what the hell are you doing here"... and says to me "BUT you were not supposed to be here until 12 30 nah" ? I knew that the document was not done, I knew that.

I go and find an other guy... He looked like he knew what he was talking about and I asked him how long it might take and he says It will take a day. So after taking more time with my client I go back home. Next morning I call the DTP man and He asks me to come by 4pm and I convey same message to Client. I go at 4pm, and HORROR number 3 was waiting for me there... THE Guy there lost my translation that I wrote down in Telugu. I didn't know what to do... I was IN SUCH a STATE That I didn't even yell at the GUY, I just walked off from there to find an other DTP Guy, and Show him my translation that I did, Telugu written in Roman script.(Thank god I have Ashwin to caution me with work related concerns) My DTP man number 3 doesn't read English, So he asks me to write all that down in Telugu... And I think oh Cool I'll take a print out of the document and write telugu right below and TO MY HORROR Number 4 The site through which I received the document "yousendit.com" keeps the doc only for 7 days and after which it discards the document... So had to go get the document again from the client, I go there, get the document on my hard disk and go to the DTP and viola he starts off his work at 4... very deft and knows Telugu pretty well, working on page maker... I heaved a sigh of relief thinking I found a really good guy, So he was working with a dexterity that the other 3 DTP guys didn't have. So I tell him that I'll go and be back by when he would be finished. I tell him how urgently I needed this work, And he nods, and says you come back tomorrow morning at 9.

20 pages in hand, and Happy to deliver at least something... I go with a swing in my step.... BUT little I knew that there were copies wedding invitation in between. I discover that only the next morning and freak out flip out and Go to the DTP guy number 4 after regaining consciousness from my Horror number 5. I get there and see that my DTP guys office was still not open, BUT he said 9 o clock :(

I ask my friend and class mate from Asa bhanu Japanese center to come and help me by giving me moral support. My Class mate and friend Karthik San gets there at 10 30 but the DTP guy was still no where to be seen, I try calling him, he doesn't take my calls, I just didn't know what was happening. So I go back home around 1, and I get a call from the DTP man, asking me to pay him for 20 pages... WTH ??? I go there and show him the 20 pages that he copied and he says "that was a mistake I'll correct it" and he takes his time with the work, because this man is into shares, he just is too busy until 3 30 everyday checking what is happening in the stock market. I didn't think I could let him waste anymore time than we/he already wasted... I ask him to suggest any of his friends who would like to do this work, he suggests his friend Raju... Who lives further inside... I observed that the more interior I went the cheaper the prices got, from 65 to 50 to 45.

I went looking for Raju, he was not there and I see a board right beside that said Pragathi DTP and Printers... a small place that smells so strongly of paint, and there is a huge dog tied up inside. Nagnath a gutka chewing super skinny owner looked pretty reliable and I just thought if my insticnt lets me down this time I'll never ever trust it again, so I decided to give some work to this guy and see how he fares, He as promised finished the 2 pages I gave in 4 hours, and in the mean time Raju had come too, so I had this brilliant Idea, that I should just give Raju some papers too... So I gave Raju 2 papers and he did them fast enough, I felt some semblance of movement, one day 4 pages felt like an achievement.

20 pages done so far, proof read and was used for training. More pages to go...

In all This I have seen how our guys operate, they are not bad people, but they are people with highly bad dicsiples, they live always off schedules. and Almost always never keep up the time they promise. I can't correct it anyway so I feel I have no right to crib so much about it. Yet I couldn't help ranting. I had to vent out my frustration somewhere.

India and the rest of the world...

I asked about 3 of my American friends whether or not they saw Mackenna's Gold and it seems none of the 3 saw it, Such a surprise to my poor Indian brain, because it was soo popular in India and I went to see it with my dad twice. To me it felt like an Indian not knowing the movie Devdas new or Old

And somehow MJ's strange acts never touched how much India liked him...

In India we are like this ONLY !!!

Something something

I asked about 3 of my American friends whether or not they saw Mackenna's Gold and it seems none of them saw it, Such a surprise to my poor Indian brain.

New

I started a NEW Blog on all the places to go where you can eat or shop for most basic needs, and find good deals, also on some spots to chill, I super take pride in announcing to have seen most unusual spots in Hyderabad (Courtesy SOME WONDERFUL People) that are not Known to everyone, So I would Love to pay it forward and share my experiences with you would love to be your guide to my most favorite CITY IN THE WHOLE World, My Home.

Also I am glad to have found some brilliant places in other cities as well, I start this blog today to show my LOVE to my city no matter where I go and wherever I may settle in my tomorrow, Hyderabad remains to be my heart, then my other organs are Chennai and Mumbai, I love these 3 cities very dearly... The later 2 I only know them as a visitor and would love to live there for year at least...

A chronicle to not forget How amazing these places are... come rejoice with me, My first post on my 3rd blog took birth today... check out http://spotforshoppersandothers.blogspot.com/

I am sure most of you who are from Hyderabad must have already visited these places, and those of you from other cities I hope to discover your cities and find those hidden brilliances in them...

I am optimistic and hoping to keep this blog updated and add all my FAV places in there and also revisit them from time to time and see them evolve...

Hope you will enjoy going to these places I have been to and find what I found in these places...

Cheers to new beginnings and Sharing the cares :)

Snippets From My head...2

I like to walk in new streets, and to smile at strangers... I crave for a something, something better, something new... I want to meet those who will look at me curiously and have a string of questions. I want to respond to questions like where are you from? What do you eat there ? How do you like this ? or How do you do that ? God this desire now is almost Physical...

The ambivalence

It is my new favorite word.

I watched a film this morning on borderline personality disorder and I was thinking which one of us in this world is sane ? I see all the disorders in all people. When I said the same to a friend She said, anything that begins to cause trouble is INSANITY, and anything within the limits is SANITY. So how do we know what the limits are and our threshold to tolerate those who are still within limits?

So going back to Ambivalence, I read a brilliant post titled "of all the faces i have" by a co-blogger and I just couldn't help contemplate on those lines myself. It is so true how we just succumb at different occasions, not being able to voice the most simple things out of concern, of not wanting to hurt the person, or some strange reason we have told ourselves.

I read up on Pomeranian, it is the breed of dog I have, and something that I spoke to A about this 3 years ago walking on Korean streets, came back to me "That small dogs are the ones that bark a lot and make so much noise, acting like if they were not on a leash they would go and rip the big dog into pieces, but when you notice a small dog that is not on a leash, it's tail is in between it's legs.

So connecting this to an other thread of my thought; I feel, (It is just a feeling and observations mind you .) That people who are a lot weaker are the ones who criticize, call names first, get personal. where as the ones that are self assured I notice don't have too say much, they don't need to put others down in order to prove their worth. Or push themselves.

Yeah Ambivalence is omnipotent, I don't really know if God is...

My Doggie has a HUGE NAPOLIAN COMPLEX I love her Still.

Heart...

How we forget It until it starts to beat so hard that we feel it in our throat, or it collapses one day with too much pressure...

If Not It is Just beating on 90 beats a minute... hidden somewhere I don't even know on the left side of my chest or in the middle... BUT Right now I feel it right in my throat at times and the others in my head... and some other times in my belly...

I guess a loved one is compared to a HEART because of that... How we go about doing our thing and He/She is always there somewhere hidden away in the background, their presence may not be one of the most noticed but most important to survive...

Beat on my Heart :D

New soul

We welcomed a new soul into the family today, My brother's

daughter, we decided on when to bring her into the cold

November world, as it was a C-section.

We all were ready to welcome the baby, as planned,

But the baby being a Girl Child was a SURPRISE,

(Sex determination is illegal in India)

To me a really sweet one, To me

SHE is the BEST BABY in the WHOLE Universe.

But When I called some of my aunts, uncles and

extended family to inform about the wonderful news, their reactions

taught me 2 major things about them.

1. How narrow minded they are.

2. How they are stuck in "once upon a time" .

My crazy family I love them all nevertheless... But today somehow I was feeling very judgmental

and despised some of their comments specially the ones like

"it's OK lets hope the next time It is a boy",

"Oh my god we got to ask Gopi to go the temples to pray for a boy the next time" .

I was thinking what is this ?? BUT aren't we 2009 now and

aren't we living the times where they say equality and all that spiel ??

Such a Bitter sweet day today, Sweet as I enjoyed spending the day with my little niece

who sneezed on my right cheek and Pee'ed on my right palm, burped on my shoulder

after I fed her with FIVE spoons of milk... Whoa WHAT an awesome AWESOME DAY.

Bitter as I learnt How my family is still stuck somewhere in 1870's and

have to catch with current times.

I only hope that I will have enough courage to speak up and

shut them the next time we welcome another Daughter.

In between Times !!!

When you ask water cascading freely off of a water fall if it fits well in a beautiful porcelain bowl or in a pot to serve a hardworking family ? Wonder what the answer would be...

The house is being packed away and I feel like my skin is being taken off me...

Pot luck @ Parents in law

I get so tensed up when I have to cook something for my in laws, as I have this strong desire to please them, and they are never pleased with me, but I know I'll die trying but won't give up...

Well now that it's said; My Mom in law asked me to make Donda kaya fry and said it has to be sans onion or garlic... (Ahem... That is Brahmin's festival special)

So I frantically called Mom, and asked her to give me a Donda kaya fry recipe with no onion or garlic, there was a second's SILENCE on the other end of the line, after which I heard my Mom go into a fit of laughter and (I didn't know what amused her so much) after she recovered from her bouts of laughter she gave me this recipe.

For approximately 10 people.

Ingredients

1. Donda kaya

2. Kopra (just a small piece)

3. Thil ( half a table spoon full)

4. Pea-nuts (about 10 to 15)

5. Dhaniya (a table spoon full)

6. Green chillies ( 3 )

7. Kothimeer (one bunch)

8. Salt (Not too much)

9. Red chilli powder (Depending on the spice quotient of the family)

10. Thoda sa pyaar and now on to

Modus Operandi

Pre preparation

Slice Donda kayas into 4 keeping the whole intact, and boil (its always good to boil the veggies for making a fry curry, that way they won't take too much oil in when fried.)

Dry roast Kopra, thil, Pea-nuts, dhaniya and powder them in a mixer (make sure that the powder is dry)

Preparation

Light the stove put a Kadia on fire and put some oil in it (Remember though its fry the veggies are boiled so not much oil is required, the maximum is 2 table spoons full of oil) and put mustard seeds and that white daal, now put the boiled DK's and cover it with a plate ( my grand mom and my mom always pour water into the plate that's used as a lid, So I do too) you can too if you want... let it cook a bit, add salt and red chilli powder, cover it with that water containing lid, after 2 minutes add the powder, let it cook/fry whatever for an other 2 minutes and garnish with Kothimeer.

Post Preparation

Pray that in laws will be pleased with the result.

I have got the theory part well but tomorrow morning I hope that it comes out as it should when I make it amidst all the chaos, of convincing A to go to my parents for the early morning rituals and then to my grand mom, for the same ritual repeat... SIGH and then get to A's parents by 11 30 am.

Will put up a photo of the preparation and Comments critics and reactions on the curry here later tomorrow along with the reason why mom laughed. I forgot to ask her that as I was too concentrated on taking the recipe...

I wish me all the very best, and Wish you all a VERY HAPPY DIWALI :D

Spiel on Auto-walas

If any of you approached an auto guy in the last week in the Tank-bund area, you would have noticed how they proposition to take you to Moti bazar (pearl market) first and then to where ever you want to go and that too on METER price.

It came as such a surprise to me, especially because they demand extra money even if its required for them to take a U-Turn or a galli (a small lane) little away from the main road. So I asked an auto-wala on what was happening and he announces with a glee that the pearl shop owners give them 20 rupees for every customer who just walks in to the shop, a sweet box for every purchase and a sweet box along with a shirt and trousers for every 5 purchasers.

I really don't understand if this is for good or not but it felt Super incorrect to me, It was raining cats and dogs I was dead hungry and all I wanted to do was get to a warm dry place and calm the rats in my belly. To me at that vulnerable state the auto guy looked almost devilish, he knew my weakness and he gave me an option, I either go straight to where I had to go for a 30 extra rupees or I go to Moti Bazar first before he dropped me off for meter price. Maybe if it was not 10 pm and if I was not fully drenched in the rain shivering and hungry maybe I would have complied. BUT It was a Different story then.

I was thinking ohh Thank god for here is an other woe added to the already existing list of tribulations. As the saying goes; there were million reasons for Karna's death and there are equal number of reasons for the auto-men to turn street rakshasas.

I just wish all the westerners in Hyderabad a very good luck not just with the demanding auto-men, but also the looters who instructed the auto guys to bring the victims to their pearl lairs so even they can loot them in leisure.

The auto scene is becoming from bad to worse, I just forgot to see an Auto-man as an other human being. He looks at me like I was a walking talking "Rupee-Note" and I look at him as a hungry Vampire who feeds on my money.

SAD BUT TRUE What to do ?

Snippets From My head...

I like my house to be lit like on a stage, Lights where I am and the rest of the house to be Dark... So I feel the Spot light on me all the time...

HOME

I watched an awesome Documentary not so long ago called Home, and my today's talk with a friend kicked all the thoughts I had parked in my head while watching the Docu to the foreground and I see very clearly what Home really means...

If words could ware off then the phrase "Home is where the heart is" will be so worn out, yet I would like to remember the phrase once again to remind me what HOME really is for us Human beings. (I wonder where Homo erectus before turning into Homo sapiens felt most at home... probably where his food went).

I understand that home can mean different things to different species and to us its not just a place where the basic needs are addressed. It is the place that sets a platform to our future growth, a foundation where we learn to understand our strengths and weaknesses along with being linked to our family. Home also implies food, language, weather, clothing, as well as geographical features such as mountains beaches volcanoes and many others my over crowded brain can't think of right now.

Both me and A are not so at Home in either of our parents houses because of the simple fact that we can't be ourselves to be able to let our guards down, and be totally accepted... Well anyways thats a whole different chapter, as the complexity of what Home with family is too dense.

Even though Home is where we feel like we belong, not constantly feel like an outsider is Home just a community we once lived in ??? or the country that is our dream destination ??? Or is it just that feeling we carry within ourselves??? is it always a place where you feel at Home ??? I feel a sense of belonging and at Home with people too... Will that feeling remain with me if I recreate same surroundings and take the same people I love with me and resettle in say for example US ???
I don't know...

World didn't remain a simple place to understand simple things and have simple choices. Law of nature is that we undergo transformations that may require us to uproot ourselves from the actual situation to migrate to live in different circumstances.

The shock of contradictions brought forth by the new place may push us into a state of discomfort questioning everything about the very foundations we may have come to depend on... But does it always mean that we are losing something ??? why can't it be relearning a different way to be ? Do things ?

an alternate answer to the same question... before we fashion new memories, acquire new friends and warm the new abode in order to feel at home, it is a necessary change to become like a tree that gives shelter for the birds to build their nests in, to become and be the home we search for... it is merely a matter of staying grounded and centered, allowing and recognizing that the pleasures we enjoyed in one place will still touch our hearts in another.

As Earth our bed Sky as the shelter and nature as our sibling, Home is Everywhere... Wherever we are... Home is a place that you can leave behind with a detachment of a bird and care of a man who hopes that the place left behind by us will protect an other needy.

I just wish that You make peace with yourself and your surroundings to feel at Home in India in America or even in Timbuktu.

Recognizing the Unbefitting

However Self aware we are of our emotions… No one is beyond the first 6 basic emotions (Happiness Sadness Fear Anger Surprise and Disgust), and to me it was surprising to realize that LOVE and HATE are learnt or acquired emotions… along with Jealousy… deducing that it is possible for some Humans to lead a life free of some acquired emotions… Given a choice I would unlearn to be Jealous.
I cannot distance myself from the world around me, I strive to live harmoniously with all and it is beyond me to not be affected by how people around me act. I am unable to turn my brain off which constantly picks on signals off of people and I stop myself from acting on my compelling responses. It is easy to Hurt the person who always hurts you, EASY!!! Especially when we have a repertoire of justifications.
Humans (I like using that word “Humans” It helps me to distance myself from all that is human and see how Non-Humans or super humans would behave) have a natural tendency to ascribe meaning to all the experiences and then categorize them into GOOD EXPERIENCE and BAD EXPERIENCE and then HATE OR LIKE the people who caused those experiences… BUT is there a pattern in which we associate these experiences. The perception of these experiences real or projected from our previous learning’s rooted soo deep into us that we are unable to disassociate ourselves from these experiences? (When I start to think in these lines I feel like I am thousands of feet elevated above the ground and am ready to Jump off… with NO support at all… it is a proof that I am unable to keep my thoughts and emotions in separate compartments)
I wish to be a Non-Human and NOT REACT to people who deliberately go out of their way to be NASTY with me… but how many times will I be successful in doing so with people who are somehow entwined to my life? … This remains a 50 dollar question (as some said to me this morning).
I believe that every situation has the power to teach us about life because it is life’s way of exposing us to something unfamiliar, a lesson we overlooked...
However I think in a situation our responses become more and more programmed… I am used to getting scared of dark, a habit carried forth from childhood… I show my respects elders by touching their feet, action out of an osmosis I don’t analyse… I forgot the initial impressions of the experiences that evoke these emotions in me and in order to get to that, I have to peel off the, accumulated layers. (I am an onion now)
A crazy but fun experience of peeling away these layers to get to the original impressions to understand a larger story… To understand if the lion attacks the frightened or the attack causes the fright… To understand whether someone’s meanie behavior causes ill feelings in me or vice versa… IS IT THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG???
I still feel as confused as when I started to try and cast some light on these abstract feelings… The essence of all this churning still remains like the colour of summer sunset… Is it Bluish-Red? Bluish-Orange? Or Bluish-Yellow? And By the time I decipher… it is all grey…

4th Floor...

Missing out on a smallest detail makes me feel super afflicted. The wretchedness of the whole scenario may seem so trivial. But to me I don't even know why it is important to be part of these small details of the person I love.

A lived on the 4th floor whole of last year and I didn't even know that, when I spoke to him on phone and skyped with him, the images I used to create in my head now feel so rueful,EMPTY, Just because of one small detail being out of place.

Maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill... BUT How I feel is how I feel. *SIGH*

Close to Friday Midnight's Philosophy...

The date for my Man to come back to India is closer, I am tensed, nervous; Memories I forgot are coming back to me. Some really fun ones and some not so fun ones. I have been soaring the skies like a lone eagle this last one year and now I am going to be in marriage again, marriage implying mostly all the relationships that come with him as a package. I could afford to be reckless while alone, and I began to like that side of me so much. I was always that, only now I had the chance to really let that ME live. I wish He likes what I have become now.

I feel Happy, But today I feel more sad, as He is leaving a lot behind and coming too... one year of relationships, very new home that became familiar to him over a year, some people He passed by and some people He lived with... No I am not being empathetic here... Just very afraid that I may not be able to replace all that for him, and now I feel very Burdened thinking I have to help him miss them with out hurting and not feeling a huge vacuum where He had made place for those left behind.

Dear God, Give us both Strength for us both to help each other... we are both going to meet each other as new us, very familiar with each other but very new. I hope the new Us still find love in each other and trust each other to proceed into future, "Till death does us apart" .

http://www.vimeo.com/6413267

When The daughter in law is expected to become Holier than Thou'

Timing Can Be Everything

Where I Need To Be... My Daily dosage of Om!!!


Since human timetables quite often do not correspond with universal timetables, it’s common for people to feel that life is progressing too slowly or too quickly. We draft carefully composed plans only to find that they fall into place when we least expect. Or, conversely, we are thrust into roles we believe we are not prepared for and wonder how we will survive the demands imposed upon us by unfamiliar circumstances. When delays in our progress kindle pangs of disappointment within us or the pace of life seems overwhelming, peace can be found in the simple fact that we are exactly where we need to be at this moment.

Taking a walk to where the Earth Meets the Stars…

I saw the beauty of the Sky and Sea mate,
Heard the hissing Sun take a dip in the sea,
Before relaxing in the lap of welcoming Earth,
The beauty of their distance, the illusion of their closeness…

They all live miles apart from each other,

My feelings are profoundly influencing the perception of reality.
A constant craving for distance and closeness…
Clouds bend down to touch the waiting trees
Causing Shadows; similar to
Days and nights that cause havoc in my head.

Illusions are real when you have a stubborn point to view,
And the earth meets the stars while
Rainbow holds hands with the moon;
When it rains in space.

A Quickie... for the week-end

My brother swallowed jamun's (its a KIND of BERRY) seed, A Fruit Which has barely any flesh on top, makes the tongue go all purple, and it tastes kinda acidic, but is the most famous among Monkeys and children. We ran up to my grand dad, and he said... "Ayya NOW a JAMUN Tree will grow out of Gopi's head..."
I thought That was SOO COOL, Ran and swallowed some 3 or 4 seeds that night, and for a week I would put water to my feet and hope that The tree would grow out of me too... I checked everyday for the next week and Finally I decided to go check with my mom on the progress. and SHE JUST DIDN"T STOP LAUGHING.

I should also write about how much trouble I got into trying to make RUBBER with Pigeon Shit and goats Milk...

PS: I still wish I was a Tree That could fly far, and rooted DEEP.

What does how we treat other people say about us?

A Call to the Support System

I read some where that each one of us, whether we realize it or not, moves through life in the company of those who watch over us, and I think its true… Grand fathers, Moms, Best friends, Gods, spirit guides, angels, any one who we totally trust also can provide us security and serve as protectors and guides.

There is a saying in Telugu; “Adagandi Ammayinaa annam pettadu” (Even a mother doesn’t sense the hunger and serve the food if we don’t ask) even tho’ our protectors take pleasure in their roles yet cannot assist us without first being asked.

Since the origins of our sacred sentinels differ, we may choose whom we call upon for help based on the situation at hand, whether it’s about spirituality, health or emotional issues or plane human needs.

As the quote says God couldn’t be every where for ever body so He made Moms, But only guys in India remain with parents for the rest of their lives where as girls leave after the wedding and in Western countries girls and guys leave home at an young age and build a support system of their own…

However, in certain circumstances, particularly in which time we feel extremely vulnerable and when the world seems to be standing on the other side of the shore teasing us to swim upstream to catch up… we may feel the need for moral support, a kind word or just the combined presence will give us a sense of security that strengthens you and reminds you that you are never alone and giving us the strength of 10 elephants working on us thousand folds better than a blessed talisman..

I think though people around us are always ready to help us how easy is it for us to accept help and First and foremost ask for help in dangerous, chaotic, or confounding moments???

Asking for help does it make us feel small? No on the contrary… To understand the need for help and to seek it from some one who cares for us and in whom we trust and then to respect the fact that the person is willing to sit through the agonizingly slow process of giving us hand while we recuperate. Needs a lot of courage… It’s not so easy to give, but to ask and take is tougher, I think.

The roles of the supporters and the supported interchange; like when we were babies our Moms took care of us and when Moms get older we take care of them…

I wish the watchful guardians and the watched all the very best and a quick recovery from their emotional physical and spiritual short comings.

Today...

I asked one of my colleagues if he would like to go out for a walk with me and He said... Why ???

A walk with out a purpose according to me is the best kind there could be... No where to go... Not to exercise no looking for an auto...

JUST A WALK... Its a beautiful experience.

Bad Days...

Guess we all have days from time to time when it feels like the whole world is against us. The chaos I am experiencing will it ever end ?!?!?. One negative circumstance seems to lead to another.

These were the Thoughts That I went to bed with...

I wonder whether anything in my life will ever go right again. But Yesterday like any other bad day, was a gift. Having a bad day showed me that it is time to slow down, change course, or lighten up. Helped me to gather slowly and laboriously, bit by bit some wisdom I have overlooked or discounted. Yesterday certainly caused me to experience uncomfortable feelings I would prefer to avoid, yet it also gave me a potent means to learn about myself...

• I smile a lot and people find me easy to approach
• I am interested in people
• People are attracted to me, naturally
• I can get to know people really fast
• I can talk to anyone at their level.
• I am always in tune with reality
  
• I hate people who always ALWAYS find some one to blame.
• I know people who turn their backs on us will do it eventually.
  
• I get very easily angry but can apologise easily.
  
• I have a bad habit of keeping a count of how many times I excuse someone.
• I am very stubborn.
  
• I exercise mind flexibility and wish to stretch it to its full potential.
  
• I have a WISH and a WILL to better my life always.

Flexibility is the capacity to bend without breaking, as well as a continual willingness to change or be changed in order to accommodate new circumstances. I am attracted to such people with flexible minds, who are open to shifting their course when necessary or useful; some one who is not overly attached to things going the way they had planned is really My hero... This enables to anyone to take advantage of opportunities that a more rigid person would miss out on, making life a lot more fun. When we are flexible, we allow for situations we could not have planned, and so the world continues to surprise and delight us.

I think we are more in tune with reality when we are flexible. Being in tune enables us to adjust to the external environment and other people as they change and grow. When we are rigid or stuck in our ways, instead of adjusting to the world around us we hunker down, clinging to a concept of reality rather than reality itself. When we do this, we cut ourselves off from life, and we miss out on valuable opportunities, as well as a lot of joy.

So I promise myself that the way I create flexibility in my body by stretching physically, I am going to also create limberness in my mind by stretching mentally. Every day is a new day a new opportunity to exercise my flexibility.

Resolutions

• Implementing from Today on... I will avoid everyone and anyone who poses to be a friend/family or a well wisher So they can stay close enough to watch my misery and make me feel further guilty. I am the most important person to me... and what counts is MY happiness.

BUT will give yesterday an other chance.

• Will try with small things and in small ways.
  
• Take a different route from home to work
  
• Changing the exercise routine.
  
• Rearrange the furniture and redo a room.
• Will meditate in the morning.
  
• Won't be blind to the fact that each situation unfold into several different possibilities.
• I trust in life and its never been unfair to me.
  
• For how the next year will unfold makes me feel apprehensive exited and afraid, will welcome all the feelings with Open arms.
  
• I AM the channel as I do this making my mind more supple and open, when finally changes come my way I will accommodate and will flow with the new reality.
  

Blue-Guru-White-Fiction-one-Fire

Why did you do that ???
His skin fiery glossy reflecting the angry full moon light...
Hissing like a snake... He asked again...
WHY BUT why did you do that ???
Silence... NO words... Just bright loud moonlight... NO tears... Nothing.
The question resounding, each letter of the sentence flying in different directions to shatter against the walls cracking into thin sharp weapons to bounce back at her, tearing into her... leaving many tiny scratches on her...
Still the thick silence mocking him... instigating his anger to mount... "Tell me, why did you do it???"
She raised her eyes to look at him... silenced by the brilliance that stood in front of her... A man burning in his own anger... He is melting from inside and burnt flesh is oozing flowing down to form a puddle at his feet...
The coals he chose to swallow for an inexplicable reason... Burning him inside... making his insides glow a golden red like a Halloween Pumpkin...
Why did you do that ??? The words blew out of him like flames... now burning her, hurting her into a state of stubborn Silence...
Her lips closed tighter now... No words
Eyes still dry... No tears
Screaming Moonlight invaded the room... window accepted defeat, So did he... Burning up in flames...
His Ashes scattered by the wind... raised up and onto her... taking refuge in her torn and burnt skin...
"I want to be with you, please love me... I don't care what you did and why you did it..." a loud whisper screaming from zillions of tiny voices moved her.... in to FAT WET TEARS... She looked around for him... to confess... BUT where was he ?

In The wonderland... I am the redefined Alice...

Let The time solve the Mysteries... I am just content to live in the moment and laugh with you.

My last nights DREAM

Gently trickling fountains, the call of birds, the soothing drones of monks, harps, and strings... white silky clouds reaching down to earth...
A slight drizzle and a man running towards me... or away from me...
His cycle magically floating next to him...
Every time the peddle rotates to strike chord E, a cycle that's also an acoustic guitar...

What does my dream mean ??? DO dreams actually say something to me ??? or are they just plane jumbled thoughts manifested into images ???

I am on a Dream marathon...

Its Your Birthday...

P...

I don't remember how we met But remember to thank god that we met...
I remember how you made me a news paper cutting of all the crazy events that happened in the year we met and gave to it me on our first anniversary...

I remember how you introduced me to the man of my life and How you were there for me every time I needed you...

All My birthdays You made them special with little surprise parties :) your cakes and such thoughtful presents; I love the kajal box with all my heart :)

I feel so small today that ALL I COULD DO today is miss you real BAD and yearn for your company, Miss your warm hugs Miss seeing you heave those long sighs after you hug me...

I wish You a great GREAT BIRTHDAY, and I pray to god That your each year becomes richer and Richer with every passing year, I wish you make more friends See more places go through intense metamorphism lots and lots of introspection, and walk back into my house with them to enrichen me as you have always with the experiences with a dash of your own perspective to it.

I am such a selfish person that on your birthday I pray to god for me... To reduce the distance between us and to keep you in my life forever. I pray to God that he brings me smiles when I look at the happy life you lead...

:D I love you P... and I thank God, the nature and the source that brought you into this world to brighten My life :D Ummmmaaahhhh

Dot dot dot

Dalai lama with a gun... The only dream He remembers... I wish I could sketch to see how D Lama looks with a Gun.

I think a man who experienced peace in his privacy uses any tool even be it a gun as a means to achieve what he knows is possible... thus becoming not just more an efficient soldier but also more dangerous than any terrorist who never knows the glory of peace.

I had so much fun today going out with 3 A's and an N and an other L ... Girls Just had Fun. We danced our butts on a Karaoke night :D What fun :)

Meeting My Shiva

Boasting Nature reflecting in His eyes...
A perpetual smile causing a Pink rainbow on his face...
When He touches my heart; my soul and my body He rains a pearl drop at a time...
His being ablaze with the thoughts about here to eternity...
His shimmering arrogance...
His third eye invisible to the commoner...
His silvery confidence...
Worldly questions creasing his moon like brows...

I met my Shiva...
Boosting My confidence even Shiva is not perfect

The beauty of imperfection...
The concept...
The illusion...
The Nothingness...
The Infinite...
The grandiose...
The luck in coincidence...

All and nothing at the same time... Promises of nothing to cause the happiness to peak.
I met Shiva this morning... a dream I experience and an experience I dreamt of...

My Tomorrow morning's Tasteless coffee with Extra Sugar

A lonely bed at night and a hot cup of coffee in the morning by myself... When life offered me a beautiful day I forgot to think what follows...

Here I am sitting and typing to myself, after a super long day filled with beautiful people, intense rush...

My heart feels so full yet there is a spot that feels emptier than before... tears trickle down my smiling cheeks.

Clouded by the overwhelming Gratitude, even though there is a huge pit in my heart drawing more and more tears; missing those beautiful hugs and kisses...

What can I say about the disappointment that there is no one I can offer coffee to tomorrow morning but myself, my nose wrinkling up thinking how tasteless it could feel...

Cine Talk...

I watched Shri 420, a retro Raj kapoor film made in 1975 yesterday... in a theater that is not in a MULTIPLEX...

The experience was brilliant with the audience singing along loudly with full enthu for a second show film... ( maybe its a strategy that they came up with to not fall asleep)

Raj kapoor was getting to me with his COPY CAT STYLE... it was like watching a 3rd rate street imitation of Charlie Chaplin.

I think Indian movie-makers just aim the actual audience and never consider future audience. A movie made in 1975 when watched in the 2009, it should still be able to offer something to the audience.

Where as with some of Indian films (specially Hindi ones... as most Telugu movies made before 80's had either mythological or family stories.) half the time I was irritated with the fake 3rd rate charlie.

It makes me wonder what the film-makers thought of the audience. Hollywood offered in Indi style... Tsk tsk...

and yet such brilliant lyrics... "dil ka haal sune dil wala" wah wah...

Not that copying doesn't happen now and not that southies don't... it happens every where and It is a big shame... specially coz we have soo many stories to tell from our own back yard.

and continuing on...

Did you ever think of voyeurism ??? I think everyone is a Voyeur at some level to a certain degree. Curiosity taken to an other level.

I irritate myself by Say things that I don't mean and not saying things I mean out of fear of "I don't know"
The former happens because it will get you some advantage? WHAT ADVANTAGE "I don't know" and the Latter because of some disadvantage... AGAIN, some unknown name less fear gripping us...

Lately with my severe introspection, I am discovering traits that I am ashamed of and irritated with in others.

Today I have been doing that a lot, with H. I don't feel the way he wants me to feel, but I just say these things, and then I cringe... I cringe inside deeply because I am being fake..and false, and not true to my honest feelings...

I don't like to be Rude with people and HATE Hurting people's feelings in any which way, but it feels strange to desire to Please... Its a horrible HORRIBLE FEELING.

Yet I am afraid of throwing that mask away. Afraid what I may expose to the world.

Confused head and a Python tummy !!!

Today...

I don't even know myself anymore.
I think it might be a good thing, and not a bad thing. I look back through my journal, and I slowly see this change. I feel like I am waking up a very different Person...

I eat too much some days and too less on some others... I am just tired of telling myself about the importance of following a routine as far as food is concerned, BUT my head and heart take turns to rule my days and I just let them.

The weather is confusing, now rain and now sun shine... BUT the summer rain is more than welcome... and my plants look happy and one of them even gave me a surprise by flowering... didn't know it was a flowering type...

Love these little surprises... like my parents visit on Sunday. I just love it when they visit me ...
Every one should walk half way to meet in a relationship, it is tiring to do the full lap all alone... It feels like the other doesn't care enough...

*SIGH* some times it pains to think that my parents in law didn't visit me even once from the time B left. Maybe they don't care enough, or maybe just too caught up.

I looked in the mirror and was amased at what I saw... skin around my nose is peeling again, result of the Sunday swim and last nights exposure to the cool breeze...

I sat with my furry companion in the balcony and noticed she has a tiny growth on her nose... I get very scared and begin to imagine the worst... have to take her to the vet tomorrow.

Last night's sleep was filled with dreams... I dreamt of my first room-mate, a friend called Aditya, about Pepz's strange growth...

I keep thinking of why I love the people I love, some don't even care for it, and some others don't need me to love them...

I scribbled off all the thoughts passing through my head now in this super drowsy head and stuffed belly.

The Praise of folly...

Only look at those heavy, solemn fellows who've devoted themselves to philosophic studies or to serious and difficult business -- they have started to grow old even before their youth, their vital spirits and animal juices all dried up as a result of constant worry and the pressure of painful, intensive cogitation. But my morons are all plump, with sleek and glistening skins. . .never feeling any of the sorrows of old age unless by chance they pick up some trouble by contagion from the wise.




Desiderius Erasmus Roterodamus

DARK WAS THE NIGHT

Yesterday, I worked almost till 1am I dozed of in the cab... But when I got Home I was feeling fresh again and felt like a long walk, I used to do that a lot as a teenager, sneak out of the house around 2 am and walk the streets just to feel free... That old urge to feel free dawned on me last night, my ever Enthu cutlet Pepsi already sensed my thoughts ( ESP I guess) and she was jumping around...

I freshened up and set out for a walk, The night was beautiful and everything was freshly washed by the rain in the evening... The smell of wet mud was pushing me back in to my past and I was flipping my mental album, places and people were dominantly present in them, The experiences I shared with them, the emotions they evoked in me had me gripped in the past I began to miss some of my dear friends, my friends from School; my friend in high school through college, My colony friends in marredpally, then teenage friends and friends I hung out when I did some plays or a brief trek or a work shop or many many many such... SIGH

I read some where that we meet people for a reason a season and a lifetime... It is beyond choice, we are just attracted to that person because or in spite of what we think.

Every person that passes through our lives makes a contribution to our autobiographies. There are those who play large roles and make deep impressions, becoming full chapters of our autobiographies, but sometimes a brief special appearance worth mentioning in a page, before life takes them in another direction and yet they create a meaningful connection with us.

The world is full of more people we get more interested in them than the ones we already know, I strongly believe that we are often drawn to people with similar energy, which brings us together time and time again.

When we meet a person it is as if we have known him all our lives we shared similar life stories or lived just around the corner from each other but never met until now... That is fate bringing these people into our lives, there is always a reason.

They probably are here to pass on a message, to remind us of a part of ourselves we have forgotten to nurture. They might appear to give us a chance to react in a new way to an old situation. They may even bring up unresolved issues so that we may complete them, giving us the chance to move forward on our life path. They may never know what they bring into our lives, but the contact is a gift.

I had a strong urge to not just take up a old habit of walking in the quiet of the night but also to seek out my old friends. I went to bed with all these thoughts buzzing in my head and I dreamt of my dear friend Jaisi from high school, she named her daughter Vishnu, she loves me that much... Then how come I am unable to get back in touch... I don't know.

I associate some places with some people and all my plants are called by my friends names... My closest friends are in my bed room where as the rest of them are all in the rest of the house.

I don't know what these dreams mean But I know I am being given a message by the nature to rekindle my old relationships to use their appearance as an excuse to get in touch. to reach out to share the gift of renewed contact. I know that this circle of connection and reconnection, will surely make me look beyond the surprise of the moment to enjoy the deeper gift that this revelation brings.

All those dear ones are here for a reason and their names are engraved in my memory for a lifetime.

AMEN

My plants My babies !!!

Do you know the feeling of sitting around with just the plants for company and the only source of light is from the moon, and the cool breeze carrying the kisses blown by the plants ?

When I moved in to this apartment I brought the green soul into existence in a broken cup, a bucket and wine bottle, the plant in the bucket died on me; I cried, and I still feel sad that I neglected that baby... I don't know what happened.

You know I came to understand that there is a single soul that lives in all the plants, but has many hearts. Think in every house that has plants this green soul exists. I would always encourage my friends to have plants, I gifted my friend Leena a plant and she now has about 30 pots of various plants. That is what this soul does, it comes and multiplies it self as it wants more and more of the attention we can give it.

The green soul shows its affection to me by originating a new leaf in one of the plants. Or by sprouting roots on a plant that is completely dried up...

I have planted myself happiness in my balcony. I offer my prayers by serving the plants. they are my silver thread to the nature. Sometimes they help me symbolize the meaning of life and death, The harmony of relationships. The green soul teaches me lessons through its many forms... the slow but steady growth of Bamboos, the "take it easy at times" attitude of certain bulbs in winters, and How some Annuals broadcast seeds before they completely perish... there is a lesson in every pot, plant and leaf, in the difference one living thing, plant or person, can make, and how their presence resonates long after they're gone is a big lesson to me.

To tune into the divine timing of the gardening, is a form of meditation. Green soul resides with me.

calvin again

Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles!

Says CALVIN... I am so like him.

Sleep !!!

Its Monday morning and my shift changed from night to second. The first few days of the night shift it was sooo difficult for me to not fall asleep on my key board, And to be nice to people, to smile at the operators when I was imagining poking pencils in their eyes that my assistant leaves well sharpened in my office is a big Rorsharch test.

My assistant, Oh my GOD !!! if you knew the feeling of arriving at a junction hurriedly and the traffic light turning from green to orange... you know she is always in that mode, always rushing, its fun to watch her eat Ice cream. she is good at what she does, I am great full for what she does for me, yet, with her little girlie squeaky voice, and the traffic signal attitude is too much to handle when I am sleep deprived, and she really can bring out the lurking killer in me every night shift. Her unlimited enthusiasm to teach me to write Tamil and for me to correct her French makes me want to unsubscribe.

And to come back to this every night , after laying in the bed waiting to fall into a deep dark hole, a state of REM where no one hurts, remains only a dream, with the back drenched in sweat, Pepsi's bell in her neck ringing as she wanders around the house , door bell ringing, friends buzzing sms to make plans, Pepsi's barking, maid cleaning; All of that seems like TORTURE.

Nothing is in my control.

when you work at a certain level in a company its expected that you write your life off. well I did, in a way... I work close to 15 hours some times.

BUT

To write one's life off is easy BUT to write one's sleep off ???

Bah!!!


You must have already noticed that my mind just didn't wander off but totally left me...
Well all thanks to the shift that changed again, and am going through the same wretchedness taking me over as I didn't sleep enough neither on Saturday nor yesterday... the beautiful lunch and the hot ride up to work and the relief welcome softness of my chair, all this is making me Yawn and stretch making me ignore the usual 30,000,000,000,000,000 pages document I have to translate and to my fuzzy head it feels like a pile that's ever growing like mount Everest,

I have done 3 training sessions, and I had to constantly keep my temper in check, as any tiny thing which I normally won't even notice is triggering me off. My patience is wearing off.

My sleepless brain is looking at life through the magnifying glass blowing up the daemons under my bed. Well the side effects of sleep deprivation, eyes are ready to shut down anytime I allow them to. But the pressure of work where I have to divert my attention to do something else in order to not fall asleep, My body is unsteady.

GOD I just can give up everything for my sleep... I saw in a film how the police tortures the bad guy by not letting him sleep, he is given everything, food, water, bath, clean clothes BUT NO SLEEP...

If I were that interrogated prisoner, I would have given up all else for the sole desire of SLEEPING.

I now understand the look of bliss on the destitute s on the street even when their bodies are exposed to the world but they are enjoying absolute privacy behind their shut lids, cocooned in a world that is very VERY private.

I look at them longingly as I have experienced this desire and I can assure you not hunger or even thirst are comparable to SLEEP.

signing off...
woes of a Diurnal eyeritated creature.

"the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." THOUREAU !!!

Ha ha You know It just occurred to me that Writing is like Putting a pen on paper and moving it around to make rhythmic patterns !!!

It happened again !!!

Its the last week of my night shift and I am walking down my no electricity moon-lit street down to get an auto to get to work, its about 10 pm I just checked my Phone for time...

Whhhhaaaaaaaammmmmm !!!!!

A hard hand touched my left "stuff" a guy walking past me with his buddy took advantage of my being lost... he looked back to see my reactions, I stood there still frozen for a second, Then something came over me... DON'T KNOW what it was, BUT I ran behind to get him, picked a stone and hurled at him... my aim is not always great but some how this time it hit him... I FELT GOOD... VERY VERY GOOD. He was walking off faster and I yelled saying "stop him" a couple coming down that road on a bike stopped him and I RAN UP TO HIM. His companion abandoned him and vanished into one of the dark alleys.

All Alone his face pale, he must be 30, he was trembling like me... I slapped him first and pushed him down and kicked him again... I was getting more and more angry...SO MUCH VIOLENCE IN ME... God!!! I kicked him again...The by standing lady understood the situation and started yelling at him abusing him, guess she was using him as the object to get back to all those who tormented her in the past.

I was still burning where he had touched me earlier memories that I buried from the time I started to show signs of womanhood were buzzing out of the coffin and that was making me more and more ANGRY. I kept saying I'll kill you bastard if you ever touch AN OTHER WOMAN again. I kicked him again, with audience around me I was becoming more and more a MOB and I kicked where it hurts the most for guys. It FELT GOOD to hurt him.

It was time for me to calm down... I should not kill some one for touching me.. JUST TEACH HIM A STRONG ENOUGH LESSON... BUT WHY DID I WANT TO KILL HIM... I WAS ENRAGED. Thank god for the people around that he is alive.
I kicked him again in his face, for all my friends who got spat on by pan or were touched and every women who silently learnt to hunch to hide away from the street predators.

Its not the first time this happened to me, it happened to me a hundred times before... it happened in the darkness of the theaters in the crowded bazars, It feels like a mini rape, NOT PUNISHABLE BY THE LAW, SO IT is ENCOURAGING TO THESE SNEAKY SON OF BASKETS.

I have hit guys before; to be precise twice before...

BUT this evening I felt really really HURT that it just continues to be SAME in spite of the development around us, in spite of the MNC's and international exposure... and the screaming MEDIA about woman's liberation and all that.

I got very late to work... and couldn't give the reason for me being late. HEAVY WITH SHAME !!!

I sit here feeling a huge DISAPPOINTMENT.

AND

I don't know HOW TO STOP THESE GUYS from being mini rapists... I don't even know how to stop the auto guys who set their rear view mirrors to see my face and touch themselves, The medical shop guy, The water guy... I just feel like Punching them all in the face, and give them a bonus punch if they say anything about MY DRESSING BEING PROVOCATIVE... wish there was some way to show you all what I was wearing today. A PLANE SALWAR KAMEEZ with a DUPATTA that can cover 3 women.

I will hit all the guys who touch whats mine and mine alone with out MY permission. EVERY TIME. My Body is not the street wall that anyone can touch.

ITS A PROMISE TO MYSELF, GOD FORBID IF I SEE THIS HAPPEN AGAIN, NOT JUST TO ME BUT TO ANY WOMAN I'LL KILL THE GUY.

Lin Yutang

How many of us are able to distinguish between the odours of noon and midnight, or of winter and summer, or of a windy spell and a still one? If man is so generally less happy in the cities than in the country, it is because all these variations and nuances of sight and smell and sound are less clearly marked and lost in the general monotony of gray walls and cement pavements.

I love this quote !!!

ME

Right after a TRANSFORMATION took me nine amazing years and just two blows !!!

I am "E" and He is "A"

I am as simple as You perceive me and as Complicated as you estimate.

I Love my dog, I love to cook, I enjoy watching Movies... I watch at least 2 films a day. I don't have TV and don't ever Intend to have one. I don't like to tell people about My age.

MY WEAKNESSES...

I TAKE NO PRIDE IN THEM...
THEY DON'T HINDER MY CONFIDENCE...
BUT THEY CAN'T BE IGNORED AS THEY POP OUT ONCE IN A WHILE TO REMIND ME...
'HERE WE ARE... EVEN WE INSPITE OF BEING WEAK CAN HUMBLE YOU, BUT YOUR CONFIDENCE IS YOUR ENEMY DON'T TRUST IT, IT LETS YOU DOWN WHEN YOU MOST NEED IT.'

CALVIN'S POEM ON MOM AND DAD !!!

My mom and my dad are not what they seem.
Their dull appearance is part of their scheme.
I know of their plans. I know their techniques.
My parents are outer space alien freaks!

They landed on earth in spaceships humongous.
Posing as grownups, they now walk among us.
My parents deny this, but I know the truth.
They're here to enslave me and spoil my youth.

Early each morning, as the sun rises,
Mom and dad put on their earthling disguises.
I knew right away their masks weren't legit.
Their faces are lined - they sag and don't fit.

The earth's gravity makes them sluggish and slow.
They say not to run, wherever I go.
They live by the clock. They're slaves to routines.
They work the year 'round. They're almost machines.

They deny that TV and fried food have much worth.
They cannot be human. They're not of this earth.
I cannot escape their alien gaze,
And they're warping my mind with their alien ways.
For sinister plots, this one is a gem.
They're bringing me up to turn me into them!

CALVIN IS ADORABLE !!!

Ahhhhhh, The Transmogrifier.

I LOVE IT WHEN CALVIN GOES IN AND COMES OUT AS KUTTI TIGER... GOD HE IS SO UMMAAAAAAABLE. AND WHEN HE GOES FOR SWIMMING LESSONS IN SCHOOL AND WHEN TOLD ABOUT DEAD MAN FLOAT HE JUST SCREAMS HIS GUTS OUT.
I HAD SIMILAR REACTION WHEN TOLD ABOUT THE DEAD MAN'S FLOAT. I IDENTIFY WITH CALVIN BANG ON. CALVIN MAKES ME FEEL THAT THE PROBLEMS I GO THROUGH ARE SHARED BY SOME ONE ELSE, AND THAT GIVES ME A STRANGE STRENGTH. I TAKE SOLACE IN THE FACT THAT I RELATE TO CALVIN AND HOBBES AND AM NOT ALONE THINKING ABOUT HOW HORRIBLE SOMETHINGS AROUND ME ARE.

YOU KNOW TODAY I ALSO REALISED THAT ALL CALVIN AND HOBBES STRIPS WERE WRITTEN IN ALL-CAPS.

favoritism shown by Parents

You must have seen in friends how Ross is the favorite child and can be excused for anything and everything where as Monica always has to work to even get a tiny bit of warmth...

Well Its super funny to watch on T.V; But to watch some thing like that in real life happen to some one in close proximity to you is NOT A BIT FUNNY. Already In some families there preferences like a boy or a girl, dark or fair, thin or plump, slow or intelligent.

I really can't understand how parents do that to their own children, can you imagine what the child must go through silently by himself, he may not actually realise as elaborately on how he is being treated unequally but it will certainly reflect in his relation with his sibling and how he could perform in school, outside with friends. causing parents to further dislike him... Thus they get caught in the vicious circle.

The one being treated like the "APPLE OF THE EYE" will become more and more over confident and the other will become more and more Under confident and What parents can never realise is that they will both Suffer.

I am witnessing this everyday in my building and don't understand how to explain it to the parents. Both their children are unique in their own way, already its not fair to compare them constantly it is a BIG BIG SIN more over kiss hug over indulge one child and cuss the other one out is DISGUSTING. ITS HORRIBLE. sometimes I see how one of the child looks hungrily for some of the hugs that her sibling gets and can't ask because of some fear, is SAD.

I wish Parents can understand that it is a way of conditioning the child to think that he doesn't deserve the good things in life or be timid and inexpressive in life, THIS IS HORRIBLE.

I am just getting carried away and taking this personally. I am very HURT right now. and I am empathetic to that child.

After thoughts : Its also funny to read calvin say that he is glad that he doesn't have siblings coz he doesn't want to be a killer...

JUST A QUESTION... WHY DO PARENTS DO THIS ??? WEREN'T THEY ONCE CHILDREN WHO SUFFERED THIS ???

Calvin and hobbes...

I bought my first copy of Calvin and Hobbes...
GOD I love Bill waterson soo much. I was thinking of him so much coz of what has been happening at work and today with elections...

CALVIN mirrors the society around us so wonderfully and it is hilarious in the comic strip but can you imagine how unbearable he can be and at the other times how wonderful he is.

I just keep thinking of Calvin as a real person.

Fly away now !!!

I am now ready to let the BUTTERFLY FLY away ...

I had it closed with my fingers entwined almost suffocating it... BUT now I sing to it saying "Go my dear fly fly fly away, here I open my palms and my heart... take all the colours away WITH YOU...

How boring are all the colours you had flashing at me... My life in Black and white is more interesting.

I say my last goodbyes to you... and blow the last trace of colour you left on my palms... AND saw the plainness of my hands glint back at me.

Did you say Good bye or See You Soon ???

I picked up the pieces of my Broken heart...

My support system in place, all well engineered to imitate the times of pleasure. They know why I go to them, so They make me laugh, hug me and show me how special I am...

I am reminded of something, someone, and I look over my shoulder, I felt you standing behind me.

NOTHING, NOONE.

AND a dark shadow marred my smile.

THEY make me look forward to my week-ends... I have them packed so I have no time to miss you, at the end of a tired day, I sigh my tears out and sleep.

I still don't remember if you murmured A good bye or a See you again to me, was lost in that Half Hug. I sigh again, no more supply of tears... STILL busy picking up those shattered pieces of my heart, and SMILE.

I love the beauty of BROKEN hearts and I made friends with Misery, Funny Misery gave up on me too and I LAUGH SO loud.

SOME FUNNY THINGS ABOUT ME THAT MY COLLEAGUES NOTICE..

I conducted a tiny work shop this afternoon for team building and FOR me it was JUST a FUN THING TO DO at work, BUT my team participated with such gusto that it had become SERIOUS FUN.

Its a simple game, everyone stands in a circle with one person in between, this person is like the bottle in "SPIN THE BOTTLE", where he turns with an out stretched hand and closed eyes while I (in charge of the game counts) and stops turning when I stop counting. who ever the bottle person points everyone in the circle has to tell the first thing that occurs to us about the person. So after the game was over they wanted me to participate as they wanted to tell me somethings they notice about me. and here are some real FUNNY things THAT I wouldn't ever have noticed about myself...

1. I always TALK as if am teaching.
2. That I have funny obsession with lip gloss.
3. I walk extremely gracefully when I wear salwar kameez or sari and skip hop dance-walk when I wear jeans.
4. When I am angry I talk so low that I almost whisper.. ( I don't know which one of them were at the receiving end of my ANGER... I AM SO ASHAMED for that AND I apologised)
5. I smile and laugh out loud when working ( ahem ahem... that's when I am chatting with my friends) and I knew I laughed loud, BUT didn't know I smiled too.
6. WHEN I make EYE contact with out smiling THEY are scared. ( I never thought of myself as some one scary... in fact I keep thinking I should be a LITTLE more stern)
7. I always match all my accessories... ( I used to pay a lot of attention to my dressing when in college now its just become mechanical and I like that they notice it. )
8. I talk to everyone at work, including the house keeping staff and the security staff. ( some of my seniors actually find it offensive that I prefer to speak to security and house keeping staff and not them. ) THAT IS An interesting snippet about me.
9. When I ask for something ( like bring a bottle of water from outside) my voice becomes like a little child's.
10. I remember a LOT of their personal details. ( I really didn't think I did, BUT I am happy that I can cover up so smoothly.
and Finally
11. After I got my head shaved I touch my hair/head too much. (I gotta stop doing that. I am sometimes self conscious now.)

SOMETHING that they don't know and I knew this morning is that IF not for my team I would hate working here. THEY are JUST amazing bunch of engineers, very unexposed to the world outside and so are impressed by someone as simple as me. THEY should rightfully be doing graduation and not working. the eldest with 6 years of work experience is 24. I find it UNJUST.

SIGH SIGH SPIDER